willpower DOES NOT WORK IN THE LONG RUN. You must lose the desire. The Big Book says, and Im paraphrasing, "the desire has been lifted from these men." Or removed. Whatever. Work the steps, hang out with your HP, go to meetings, and eventually, the desire will be lifted. And once the desire is gone, it's easy as pie. (Apple, with cinnamon on top, Pappy). Willpower only works for so long, no matter what it is you're trying to give up. Eventually, you will give in. In the beginning of sobriety, willpower helps, but what were really after is for that desire to be gone. And it will happen. Sure, every once in a while, after a long hot day at work, I might think about a cold beer. And that's not very often. But that's usually because I'm thirsty, and hungry, and after an ice cold non-alcoholic beverage, and maybe a little snack (pie?), I'm good to go. I don't even desire the effect of alcohol, just something cold to drink, and, well, beer was what I drank after work. The desire for the effect of alcohol is gone. It's a miracle. I never thought I would ever lose the desire, especially in the beginning, but it happened. And I'm grateful. i don't need willpower anymore, because I have no desire. And if, for some reason, that desire shows back up, I just need to remember not to take even 1 sip. And 10 minutes later, I will have forgotten that I was even thinking about it.
Yup the desire, compulsion, obsession must be taken away. Normal human defences, will power, memory etc are not reliable in the long term even though people often appear to manage long stints through shear determination and meetings alone. The thing is it can be relatively easy to stay sober without the steps, after you get through the really hard bit at the start, as long as life doesn't throw you any curve balls. I have seen people rock along quite comfortably for many years,then out of no where comes one of the "certain trials and low spots ahead", and they fall. Why? Because they never found the solution in the first place, and when the wheels fell off the obsession returned and that was that. Great post Baba. Very thought provoking.
I think one of the things that helps me to never go back, is the fact that I know, without a doubt, if I go back out, it's the end. I'm convinced of it. I may even be wrong, who knows? But as long as I'm convinced of it, it works for me. I haven't been thrown any major, major curveballs yet, a couple of sliders, but nothing that would make me go back. I'm sure the day will come, when it happens. But I know that drinking isn't going to solve the problem, or cure the heartbreak, of whatever happens. It will only make it worse. My mind is getting clearer, and I have good friends and programmers around me now. I know that alcohol is cunning and gunning for me, so I know to be on my toes. You can't get complacent with your program. When you do, that's when you're gonna fall. I think about some of the people with years of long term sobriety, who go back out, and it's sad, but it's just a reminder to never let yer guard down.
I am in the same boat. I might have another drink in me, but I dont have another recovery. That knowledge doesn't help me with any direct confrontation with drinking because I lost the power of choice and I never got it back. Instead I was placed in a position of neutrality where I dont even have to make that choice, it doesn't come up. This in turn is contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition which in turn requires me to continue living in steps ten through twelve on a daily basis. I had this complete psychic change that makes drinking redundant, and my job today is to ensure I don't reverse that psychic change, and I can do that by growing spiritually.
In my drinking days, I had lost the power of choice in drink. I drank against my will, against logic, against the knowledge of consequences. I thought every body drank like I did, I thought the grotty bars I hung out in were the centre of the universe where real life happened, I lost the ability to function without alcohol, and in the end I lost the ability to see reality at all. That is a rough outline an inability to relate to the world of what the obsession of the mind meant to me. Add to that the emotional and mental consequences and there is not much sanity in the picture.
If that obsession returns, suddenly drinking looks relatively attractive, all the reasons for not drinking are easily swept aside, all human defences are down and the alcoholic will do the most insane thing he could possibly do, which is pick up a drink.
I think there is often a misconception about the state of mind preceeding a slip. Many beleive they will be consciously aware of what is happening, that there will be some kind of debate on the matter during which memories and knowledge will intervene, they will call their sponsor, and they will be saved. Certainly this kind of thing does happen, but this is not the obession returning. There is a lot of sanity in this picture. What it illustrates is the truth of the promise "when tempted we recoil as if from a hot flame" In other words we are tempted but our defences still work. We were never going to drink. Temptation is not the same as obsession or plain insanity.
When the insanity returns, that means the desire to drink has returned full force, denial justifies the situation. The guy who was your AA soul mate last week seems to have entirely different beliefs today. He wont call you because he knows you will try and talk him out of drinking, and that is the last thing his insane mind wants. He might call after he has taken a drink. I had a friend who was ten years sober who did that. He rang everyone after he began drinking. We thought we could save him. We thought the knowledge and experiene he had picked up with ten years in AA sober would save him. We thought this would be an easy 12 step job. We couldn't have been more wrong. The obsession was back, his AA hard drive had been wiped. There was nothing left of his AA experience. Literally dozens of us tried to help him. We lacked the necessary power. He was dead in three months.
I think this is why the book suggests "The spiritual life is not a theory, we have to live it". In my experience people trying to do that may be tempted from time to time, but they will have an effective defence. If they don't develop a spiritual life through the steps the obsession can return and often they just disappear. It happens so often we hardly notice.
Some days, I want to analyze everything about my sobriety, and my non-sobriety years. Other days, I'm just grateful. Today, I'm extremely grateful. I'm grateful that I got out of that mess.
I made a phone call yesterday, to a girl I met last year. She owns a restaurant/bar down in the Florida Keys, were I was living last year when I decided Id had enough. She was in the program, and she spoke with me a little about her life, her drinking years, and now, her sober years. She s got about 10 years. She didn't preach. She just told me how bad she was, and how much better her life is now. Anyhow, I called the restaurant last night, and spoke with her. I hadn't seen her or spoke with her since I left the Keys. When I left, I had about a month under my belt. So, I told her that 2 days ago, I got my first year under my belt. And I told her that she didn't know it, but she was actually a big part of my success. Talking with her was a big inspiration, and she didn't need to preach. She showed me by example. She was very happy to hear about my 1year, and I think it made her feel really good that she actually had a lot to do with my early sobriety. This stuff really works, the whole fellowship thing. It helps the newcomers, and it helps the old timers. It's nice to know that yer not alone, and that other people have gone through, and are going through the same deal. Normies don't get it. It's a waste of time trying to explain anything to them about our situation. Good thing we got each other.
You seem to be pretty smart. I like reading your posts. You put a lot of thought into them.
Thanks Baba. That is a very nice thing to say, but I have to own up and say that I am still waiting to have my first original thought in AA. I have learnt it all from others and the book of course, which seems to take on new meanings every time I have a look. Congratulations on your first year. I found the first two years to be quite exciting because that was when a lot of the major changes (miracles) happened. And it was a very cool thing to ring your friend. I can guarantee that a call like that is about the greatest reward we can receive. It is such a great feeling to know that someone we have worked with is now well on the path to recovery, not that we deserve any credit, its just a wonderful thing to have been a part of.
Actually, far from being smart, when I came in I really think I must have been one of the most stupid people ever to come to AA. My IQ was reduced to my shoe size. I was too stupid to argue about the program, I just stupidly did what was suggested without question. Within a short time I had recovered. I dont know about being smart, but I do know that being stupid is no barrier to recovery, it may even be an advantage.
