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Post Info TOPIC: Stress and guilt


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Stress and guilt
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Tomorrow is our town's Tuesday night meeting.  I'm anxiously waiting.  I'll be there unless mom is having a bad day.  Every time I leave the house for a short time something happens.  Or she's fine when i leave but stressed out when I get back.  The things I've been doing the last few days are necessary to get moved into the new house.  The meetings are just "me time" and not an absolute necessity.   She has no idea how necessary. The meetings are to me.  I go on her good days and on her bad days I'm right by her side and thankful to be with her...but I feel a little resentment within myself because I wait for Tuesday night meetings that strengthen me and keep me balanced for another week.  I can't in good conscience think the motto To Thine Own Self Be True while I leave mom home feeling miserably.  She won't allow me to get someone to sit with her and says she would rather sit home alone.  I cancel medical and dental appointment often to stay with her.  I'd give up anything to help her, I know our time together is limited.   I can take care of my stuff later.  I respect her position as Mother and at 81 she outranks me.  There used to be a bottle on my shelf that would put me in a easygoing silly mood when I drank from it...that's no longer an option.  She demands so very little, she only asks not to be left alone.  Sounds simple enough but not always possible.  I'm thinking of being selfish tomorrow and going to the meeting knowing what her reaction will be.  To Thine Own Self Be True?...or deal with the resentment?   I've learned decisions are just as hard to make while sober!  Thanks for letting me vent.

jerricka

 

 



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Let me get this right, the meetings are or are not necessary?

And the resentment is of your mom or of yourself?

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The meetings are necessary. I guess the resentment is for myself... Uhh... Because I can't be in more than one place at a time...and that's totally unreasonable. Or maybe I resent myself for needing the meetings?? I dunno, if I wasn't stressed out I wouldn't be feeling this way.

Jerricka

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I would say by your description, the meeting IS absolutely necessary. Sometimes you just have to do what's right for you. I don't understand why she gets so unhinged when you leave the house for a short time to attend to your sobriety. I would think she'd be happy you're not drinking yourself to death anymore.

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Not all 81 year old mothers want to see or believe our alcoholism was as big a problem as it was/is. My mom didn't understand until she saw how different I was years later. My mom was also not 81 and dependent on me either. What comes out your mom's mouth at 81 may not be what she would say if she was higher functioning and could really see the big picture. Follow your HP and continue your AA journey.

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If your meetings are 'open' meetings, is taking your Mom with you an option ??? ...



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What gets her unhinged is being left home alone for any reason...meetings, trips to the grocery store, post office, etc. she can't walk around well and has a fear of needing something while I'm not there to help. I took her with me a few places and it was hard on her body. Every bump in the road hurts her and her seatbelt pulls on her separated ribs if I turn a corner... She's in agony if she's not sitting perfectly still. Until I brought her to this state she hasn't left the house in over two years. Our meetings are open and she would be most welcome. I'd invited her before but she politely declined because if she sits up, her feet and legs swell, turn purple and go numb. It sucks being 80. Since she has such a hard time I try to make her life as easy and pain free as possible. I'd do anything to help her, my frustration comes from my limitations. Thank you for asking about her! She's ok, for today! (I gave myself an all-day migraine from pounding too many nails)

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Hi Jerri, ...

I admire you so much ... in the past, I have relapsed over simple stresses in life, two handicapped sons was a big one for me ... I'd just give up, feeling there would never be the kind of life one would desire to have ... I'd just give up and go back to drink'n ... hoping i'd pass out and wake-up in a different world I guess ...

After truly working the AA program and learning how to live the AA 'way of life', my whole attitude and outlook on life changed ... I now realize that everyone has challenges in life, it's just that some of us have more than others ... and with my new attitude, I have learned that I am far better off than many, many others ... so the sober life makes living worthwhile no matter what challenges lie ahead ... and it does my heart good to see that I can exhibit a positive attitude and see it rub off on others ...

Your dedication to your Mom is a noble and worthy task ... but I hope you can know when the day comes if it becomes more than you can do by yourself ... and seek aid through other measures ... you may even try to ask how other AA members have handled similar situations ... I have no clue to what resources are available ... in the mean time, just enjoy the moments that she is not in too much pain and have her repeat tails of her childhood ... it's incredible how much we miss some of those boring stories until they're not here to tell them anymore ...

I hope your weather is such that she can spend some time outdoors ... maybe she could sit nearby and tell you how to dig your sewer system, LOL ...


Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy



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Pappy,

I was missing seeing your posts and wondered how you were doing. When 'regulars' don't post for awhile, its my nature to worry. Glad you're doing ok. I've heard that life's challenges make us stronger. You sound like a very strong person. I know there's a lot of wisdom and experience in the Program and personal strength continues to grow. Your children are lucky to have you! Not every father has what it takes to be a good daddy and you sound like you've done an excellent job, though I'm sure it wasn't easy.

Thank you for your kind words. I cherish all Mom's old stories, even if I've already heard them. I know one day it will be up to me to remember them. She took care of me when I was little, now its my turn to give back. She had her hands full raising me, I was "a handful", by today's terms, ADHD. As for my crazy projects, I think of it as therapy. I don't do well sitting still. I have too much nervous energy and have learned to use it productively. I sleep better when I wear myself out completely. I used to drink to calm myself down. If I woke up from Iraq dreams, I'd drink to go back to sleep. Now I've figured out if I work hard enough all day I sleep like a rock with no dreams. That's my goal, haha. My next project will be insulating the cabin, one wall/one paycheck at a time. One wall done, three left to go! My next five projects are planned out on paper...! I sometimes feel my age when I overdo it. I don't intend on growing old gracefully...I'm hanging onto this wild ride called Life! Living sober is so much more intense...and I'll remember it all, so when it's my turn to sit in a rocking chair and retell old stories, my cat will listen!

Have a great day!

Jerricka



-- Edited by Coogi on Sunday 17th of May 2015 11:07:16 PM

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Morn'n Jerri, ... (I hope you don't mind me calling you Jerri, It's easier on me fingers, LOL ... if not, that's ok ... I'll fig'r it out ...)

Your comments reminded me of raising my sons ... most of the early years I think I drank so much just so I could turn my brain off and get some sleep ... (my sons are 41 and 34 now) ... it seemed back then that I turned most of the 'raising' part over to my wife ... don't ask me how in the world we're still married ... (42 years now, 43 come July) ...

It's a rather long story, but I'm sure I didn't gain the respect and love from my kids until I was a few years sober ... they like the new, different Dad they'd started to see ... Not the one that was always negative and feel'n sorry for himself ... and drink'n until you couldn't wake him up unless you poured a glass of ice cold water on him to get him to move at all ... (which happened more than I wish to admit ...) ....

Truth be known, the AA program saved my sorry A$$ and allowed me to become the person I am today ... a person who has learned to be grateful and who has learned compassion and love for others ... if not for the effects of having cancer in my life, It'd be downrite perfect ... But, I have come to know, like you, just how blessed I am and I work my butt off every chance I get, LOL ... and you're right, it does make for some good 'sleep'n' ...


Give your Mom my love,
Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy



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Hey, Pappy!

You can call me anything you wish! (I get called lots of things, I answer to most!)
Smile, its a great day to be sober!

J

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Coogi wrote:

Hey, Pappy!

You can call me anything you wish! (I get called lots of things, I answer to most!)
Smile, its a great day to be sober!

J


 LMAO ... me too ... LOL ... 



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