Alcoholics Anonymous
Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: Abused married woman in need of guidance
Llo


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 3
Date:
Abused married woman in need of guidance
Permalink  
 


I don't even know where to start. I'm in crisis. Mainly due to my codependent marriage which is quite abusive. My husband runs me into the ground emotionally as hard as he can and enjoys it completely, like he delights in it. He is an alcoholic like me, and this has just become intolerable. I'm in the midst of bender (so to speak) and though I know that's frowned upon when speaking at meetings, I really need somewhere to talk about this, and I couldn't think of anywhere but AA. I'm agoraphobic, so I can't really get to a physical meeting either. In fact, I rarely leave the house. And he's well aware that my ability to leave him is very limited so he really pushes this to the max and is escalating. I am on disability and barely make $500/mo. He says stuff like he's going to stop buying food for me, he's going to throw me out in the freezing cold with nowhere to go, he's going to harass me until I kill myself. He has hit me several times in the past, which I have answered right back, not that that is okay, but I'm no pushover. Idk how someone is supposed to live like this. What is worse is that he's gotten to the point where he is completely unapologetic. I've been doing some reading up on emotional abuse, and he fits every single criteria AND he fits the profile of a sociopath to a tee! I probably need to just go to the hospital and throw myself on their mercy, but things are more complicated than that due to my anxiety about being around ppl. Especially hospitals, bc they've been so nasty to me in the past about the drinking. Idk even know what to do anymore. I'm sort of begging for any kind of friendship, or kind words, or advice that may help lead me out of this. I mean, I realize that I'm not without fault, I am a VERY flawed creature, but that doesn't mean I deserve this.



__________________


MIP Old Timer

Status: Offline
Posts: 12357
Date:
Permalink  
 

Welcome to MIP Llo, ... No, no-one deserve that type treatment ... and I'm sorry you find yourself in this type situation ...

Many of us have been in similar situations and I hope some of the women here will speak up ... If you could some how, some way, get past your agoraphobia and get to a meeting, without alcohol on your breath, I'd suggest that as a first step ... it is there you will likely find other women that have gone through what you are going through now ... I'm sure they'd be happy to guide you through the options you have in your local area ...

Continuing to drink, or use, will do noth'n more than make your situation even worse, that, we know for a fact ... maybe there is medical help that can get you to a facility to help you detox and get the proper assistance ... you should not be made to endure the current situation you find yourself in ... get out and seek 'face-to-face' help ... Please ...


Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy



__________________

'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'



MIP Old Timer

Status: Offline
Posts: 1570
Date:
Permalink  
 

I'm glad you found this forum, Llo. Your situation is dire and you need help. My first suggestion is Alanon.

There is an Alanon discussion forum at:

http://alanon.activeboard.com

There are lots of good people who can help you in that forum. They hold online Alanon meetings there. You do not have to leave your home to attend. Try to go there today.

You can discuss your drinking situation here, of course. Or anything else you wish to talk about. You do not deserve to be treated the way you are being treated. Some things must change. For one, you should consider going to an AA meeting. We do not have online meetings here anymore (ignore the notices at the top of the forum page--there are NO meetings here on Tuesday/Saturday and we haven't been told if there will ever be again). But there are online meetings at:

http://aaonline.net

There are 4 meetings a day there and you don't have to leave your home to attend. Try to go to an AA meeting there today.

 

 

 

 

 



-- Edited by Tanin on Sunday 29th of March 2015 09:41:47 AM

__________________

First, deal with the things that might kill you.

 



MIP Old Timer

Status: Offline
Posts: 749
Date:
Permalink  
 

He is committing serious crimes and should be removed from the home and arrested. Have you discussed this with the police? Regarding your alcoholism, yes, you also need to address that. These are both very serious issues and both need to be addressed immediately. Today. Do not wait.



__________________


MIP Old Timer

Status: Offline
Posts: 3726
Date:
Permalink  
 

Welcome... what a painful situation. I hope you realize you deserve help today... no matter what or who you are. Keep coming back.

__________________

Thanks for everything.  Peace and Love on your journey.  

Llo


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 3
Date:
Permalink  
 

Thank you all so much. This is truly a crisis at this point. I know that if I stay here, he's going to try to kill me at some point. I don't even question that anymore. Mostly he's okay, but when he flips out like this and starts putting me down, he gets this crazed look in his eyes and it's really scary. I've tried calling the police before when he choked me and threw me down, but they basically said I was lying and actually threatened to take me to jail instead of him. Both of his parents are former police, and they tell him what to say to the cops so they will be inclined to side with him. Like he'll call his parents right in front of me and his mom will tell him on tell him (on speaker phone so I can hear) to lie to them and simply have me committed which he has done several times. I was absolutely horrified the first time I heard them direct him this way. The whole family is crazy, and I see that now, which is why he thinks this is just perfectly normal and okay to do. The police aren't going to side with me against him. I've seen it too many times. He's destroyed my relationship with my family, and has even tried to destroy my friendships. That's why I'm on here, I don't have anyone else really. Thank you for the information about the meetings. I'm sort of drying out today, and hiding out in our office, so I have a little privacy where I can talk about this. I'll go over to the meeting site you suggested today. I am so relieved to hear they have online meetings. It's a real life saver for ppl like me. Again, thank you so much.

__________________
Llo


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 3
Date:
Permalink  
 

And you're absolutely right. I've ignored (or lapsed) in my recovery for years and this has to stop, bc it's not the way I want to live anymore. He's never going to be on board with that either, bc he uses the addiction to sort of keep me in my place. I can't allow this any longer. I have more respect for myself than to drink myself into an early grave or to stay with someone who is going to PUT me in an early grave. He's never going to change, this situation is never going to improve. I have to start working on myself so that I can get away from here. And it all starts with the drinking.

__________________


MIP Old Timer

Status: Offline
Posts: 12357
Date:
Permalink  
 

Hi Llo, ...

While you're trying to figure out you're next move, here's a link to our AA BB (Big Book) ...

http://www.whytehouse.com/big_book_search/aspbook/ch4p57.asp

 I highly recommend you read it and absorb the wisdom contained in this book ... I think it also contains 'The Doctor's Opinion' which is also very important to read ... should you have any questions, we can certainly answer them here ...



Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy



__________________

'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 119
Date:
Permalink  
 

Llo, A lot of what you've written are echoes of my past and I solved 98% of the problem by walking out the door. Enough was enough. I can't say life has been easy on my own but I can say its been worth it. When you reach a certain low point in your situation, you'll do what you need to in order to stay safe, sane and sober. I wish you the best with all my heart. I've been there. There are a lot of things you can do for yourself that you aren't giving yourself credit for. When you start thinking "I can't....", replace those words with "I can and will..." I took only a few clothes that fit into a grocery bag and my cat. I had to move to a new town hundreds of miles away and get rid of my car because my ex found me by car registration and mailed me an aerial photo of the home i was living in. Now he doesn't know what I drive and I've moved again. He also has church members looking for me (stalking). Projecting fear and bullying is a hobby to him and since he's lost his mind, I assume his anger has no limits, so safety is a huge issue with me for awhile. I've been gone a couple of months now and I'm more successful than I ever was. I truly have found happiness and freedom. I left with nothing but half a plan and the rest I take one day at a time. There are agencies out there who can help with shelter, food stamps, etc. getting into a meeting would do you a world of good. By giving them a chance, you're giving yourself a chance too. One of the big things is that you will get to know yourself again without anyone's negativity making you feel bad. You'll discover a lot about yourself and start liking who you are! You'll feel even better the longer you are away from a bad situation. My advice to you is get out of there, go to a safe place like a women's shelter and if you need detox they'll set it up for you. (Don't forget important documents that you'll need later...birth cert., social security card, etc) Next I would suggest going to meetings. The people there seem to say all the things we need to hear at the time we need to hear it the most. Find a sponsor! The rest will fall into place. It sounds overwhelming all at once, but one step at a time, one day at a time...and in time you'll look back and be glad you did. You can do online meetings when you get settled in if you're more comfortable with that, but if you can, at first get out to the meetings (someone will pick you up if you need a ride). Theres something about physical meetings you cant get from a computer or phone screen. Talk to your Higher Power, answers will come but not always in the ways we expect. I'll be glad to share what worked for me and what didn't if it would help in any way. Wishing you the very best because you deserve it and you're worth it! Jerricka

__________________


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 123
Date:
Permalink  
 

That's pretty much what I had to do also Coogi. I had drank and stayed in a bad relationship with another alcoholic for a long time. It exacerbated any mental health problems I had 10 fold. Enough was enough. When I walked out the door, it was a decision to live rather than die. I also left with a couple grocery bags of stuff and my cat. Something just sunk in...nothing was worth living like that any more for me. I needed to be able to attend AA freely and get REAL support. To do that I had to leave. So that is what I did. I left and went to AA.

Llo, don't let your labels define you too much. You may currently have agoraphobia, but I'm betting it is way worsened by the relationship, being isolated, out of practice from socializing, and drinking. Get out to some AA meetings. I am betting you are more capable than you think and more well than you know. Once you feel less trapped and stuck in this horrible situation, I'm betting you wont feel so afraid of the outside world either.

__________________


MIP Old Timer

Status: Offline
Posts: 2520
Date:
Permalink  
 

Hi Llo,

Sorry to hear of your struggles.  My thoughts and prayers go out to you.  Sounds like your situation is intolerable and down right unacceptable.  No one deserves to be treated like that.  I too, went through the emotional ringer with my Ex.  When the pain of my current situation outweighed the fear of the unknown, I took steps forward and put my life in God's hands.  I've learned in order to change WE need to take risk, stepping from the known to the unknown.  Many of fears were ungrounded and unfounded.  I have no regrets and I know today this was God's will for me. 

I would suggest getting out of there immediately and not tell him where you're going.  No contact what's so ever.  From my experience, contact only delays the process and healing.  There's long term rehabs available now that will not only detox you, but help you start putting your life back together.  Some of The Programs have long-term stay arrangements.  There you will learn about recovery, taking care of yourself and build a fellowship with people just like you.  If that's not available a local womens shelter would help with housing and support.  From there you could go to meetings etc....

 



__________________


MIP Old Timer

Status: Offline
Posts: 6464
Date:
Permalink  
 

Hello Llo, and welcome to the board.

Not sure where you live but most cities have support for abused spouses to get them out of their situation and into a safe evironment. What I'm reading between
the lines is that you don't want to get out of this situation, or get sober. I'm inclined to make a statement that includes pity, but that is not what you need. You have
kind of created a hell for yourself, and you need to get out of it. No one will do it for you. So muster up courage, pray for willingness, make a plan, make calls to a battered women
shelter, move and work on getting sober and getting your life back together. From your profile, your less than 40 years old, you have probably better than half of your life left.

Once you get healthier, you can look for a job and rejoin the human race, take care of yourself etc... praying for you.



-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 30th of March 2015 09:09:07 AM

__________________

 Gratitude = Happiness!





Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.