Hello, My name is Jerricka and I'm an alcoholic. I'm here with an attitude of gratitude...so thankful to have found AA recovery/fellowship, through my phone, of all things! I live in a one-horse town that doesn't even have one horse...and a meeting only once a week. I finally made it to the meeting last night and it was great to be around sober people, in a sober atmosphere...most spiritually fulfilling thing that I've experienced in several months! My story... 8 years sober, but still feel shaky in my program at times. I don't handle stress well and I have an overload of it (who doesn't?!) I started drinking in the military, going out and "having a few" with buddies was a fun thing to do at the time. Later on, it became my misguided way to feel better when I thought I "needed" it. I recognized it as a problem after my 2nd deployment to Iraq. I had severe injuries that ended my career and thought "numbing out" was a way to deal with it. My family disapproved, but they found I was easier to get along with if I did things my way. I wasn't a grumpy drunk, I was a silly one. I was on the road to self destruction, in the fast lane. What really got my attention was wondering how I, and my car got home. I'd heard of blackouts and knew it was time to make serious changes in my life. The city I lived in had daily meetings. I was a "revolving door" person for awhile. Stress at home was building and the VA shrink diagnosed me with anxiety and PTSD. I attended group sessions with other basket cases like myself and when we brought our workbooks back the next week and another member had written my exact thoughts (that I'd never told a soul) it shocked me to hear my own thoughts/feelings spoken aloud by a total stranger. That was a huge sign that there was hope for me. I listened to the advice given to that person because it affected me, too...I suppose the person followed his good advice, but I wasn't ready yet. My home life was no longer "home sweet home", it took both of us to turn it into "home sweet hell", hubby was kind enough to attend physical therapy with me but he liked to challenge and criticize the therapists and I could see them get their feathers ruffled. After a few visits, people started asking about what he's like at home. I was honest and said he isn't Mr Nice Guy anymore. He was annoyed because I couldn't participate in church program if I'd been drinking before the program. Our family separation started when I said a little bottle of rum did more for me that session I was supposed to attend. I got a lot of people upset at me that day. I told them all that I quit the Church of Scientology. Then I shocked myself again when I got home, I packed my little car with precious family photos and my cats and drove to Destination Unknown. A few hundred miles away from where I used to call home, I got 10 acres of forest land on top of a mountain and had been enjoying building a cabin. The church declared me PTS and now I'll be shunned by everyone. I thought they'd come to their senses but haven't yet. They need more time to. Im settling into the new life. My son is no longer allowed to speak to me, a loss of a best friend, I hope he comes to his senses someday. We were a close family. So now I'm settled in my hermit shack and I'm bummed but ok. Mom calls me and tells me she can't take care of herself and her cats. Road trips...! Got mom, her cats and more stuff than anyone would know what to do with... She can have fun with her happy hobbies. All was well and helping her was a blessing to me because keeping busy helps me with anxiety. On Dec 4, life as we knew it had a major overhaul. Mom had a heart attack. I drove her down the dirt road straight to the hospital. She spent 7 weeks in intensive care, and six more weeks in recovery. The stress of not knowing how she will do Is overwhelming. She's 80 and common in sense tells me be prepared for anything. I have solar and generator at my cabin on the mountain and the dr said she will need oxygen 24 hrs a day, plus the elevation at my cabin is too much for her. The Higher Power knew what He was doing when he chose this hick town for my car to break down. I rented a redneck trailer with power etc. the landlord accepts cats... It's a done deal. We are half settled in, still adjusting to being her full time caregiver and in my opinion, she's still fragile. It might be a little easier if she wasn't quite so stubborn, but I give her help with a smile, no matter what. I focus so much on her care and her happiness that I forget my own needs. I violate the HALT rules and feel the toll on myself. I'm exhausted, but sober. I still have to deal with medical and mental issues from service connected disability and I'm a bundle of anxiety. Focusing on moms care helps me avoid my own issues. I also have to deal with the church "punishing" me for leaving as well as missing the awesome relationship I had with my son but he disconnected from me over 2 yrs ago and he has the whole church behind him and against me so unless he wises up nothing will change. I wouldn't have left the church if Id found anything fulfilling there. We lost our 2 story house so hubby could pay it all to the church to advance our status. God is my Higher Power, not the CoS. Somehow, I'm staying of the sober wagon this time. If I fall off this one, I doubt I'll make it back up. I call it situational depression...the loss of my family, my church, my home, my mom in unstable health, my car in worse shape than her and my own stress and anxiety plus physical issues could be enough to push a balanced person off the wagon...but I'm being more stubborn than ever before to maintain sobriety. Each day is a gift and I don't plan on wasting any more of mine... Also, life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer to the end you get, the faster it goes! I've rambled a bit here, but that's where I'm at during this moment. But for the Grace of God go I. Thank you all for being here! Sober roads! Coogi/Jerricka