Hello. My name is Abby, and I am an alcoholic. I am 28 years old and engaged to a wonderful man. I met him shortly before my 23rd birthday. I didn't have my first sip of alcohol until I was 21. I never drank in high school and very rarely drank in college. My father was an alcoholic until I turned 2 and then he remained sober until I was 14. He was diagnosed with lung cancer when I was in 8th grade and then he started drinking again. It was really scary and traumatizing seeing him drunk all the time. When I was growing up, he was always stand offish and I was not close to him. Then one day my mom, sister and I found him dead in his bed one winter morning shortly after I turned 16. It was the moment that defined my childhood and I feel like the rest of my life. To say my father's alcoholism and death was traumatic is really an understatement. I feel like how he treated me and my siblings when we were growing up and how he handled his terminal illness has affected all of us in different ways. My brother got into drugs and alcohol and he lies and cheats. He starts things and doesn't finish them. He is 25 and has never worked a full time job. My sister really struggles with relationships with men, and I find it almost impossible to deal with any kind of stress.
Whenever I have a bad day at work, it is so easy for me to come home and drink an entire bottle of wine to myself. I use stress as an excuse to drink. I have been in a very stressful financial situation over the last 6 years. I graduated from college in 2009 with my bachelor's degree and about $60k in student loans. I have worked jobs that pay anywhere from $8-$12.75 an hour. I had a decent paying job in a call center from July 2012 until April 2014 when I got laid off. That's when my drinking really started to snow ball. I work for a medical supply company now and make $10 an hour. It's frustrating and I feel like a loser. I feel like I should be more successful at this age and I am constantly comparing myself to my friends and family. I use alcohol as a way to numb myself and I know that's wrong. My fiance likes to drink too. His mom is a bad alcoholic and I do not want to end up like that. I know my family deserves better. I know I deserve better, too. But it's so hard to quit.
I find myself drinking to the point of no return several nights a week. Whenever we have friends over to drink, I am the one who always gets the drunkest. I say stupid things about myself or others and embarrass my fiance or my sister, who lives with us. I did not really start drinking until I started dating my fiance. I was a poor college graduate working in a grocery store deli so I never had money for booze. When we met, he paid for meals out and drinks so the alcohol was readily available, and I took full advantage of it. I have been so drunk and had so many hang overs the last 5 years that I can't even keep it all straight anymore. I am tired of feeling like this all the time. I am tired of having headaches and waking up wondering what I said or texted or shared on social media. I have friends who tell me that I am fine and that I am overreacting and that everyone at this age drinks like that. I have tried several times to quit drinking on my own but it's hard for me bc my fiance and my sister won't quit drinking and they always buy the alcohol and put it in the refrigerator. I need a support system that can help see me through this. I don't want this to ruin my relationships with friends, family and co workers.
Can someone please tell me how to get a sponsor and what I need to do to get help?
I got sober at 28, the same age you are now. I also tried it (unsuccessfully) 'on my own' in various ways before that, and it was definitely trying to do it the hard way. What finally worked for me was getting involved in Alcoholics Anonymous. Attending lots of meetings, reading the AA "Big Book" which describes how the first AA members got sober and stayed sober years ago, and seeking help from the other people in AA who had had a drinking problem like mine and who had been through the things I had been through and who UNDERSTOOD what this felt like and what I was facing. THESE were the people who could help me. And they did. Because others had done the same for them when they first got to AA. That's how we do it.
I was told that an AA sponsor is someone in AA who has been sober for some substantial length of time, preferably several years already, who not only has sobriety, but also has experienced the kind of change in their life that I want in my own life, (like an end to all of those horrible thoughts and feelings that I always had about myself which had plagued me daily before I got to AA - the stuff you just described in your post here), and they should be someone who has worked all of AA's Twelve Steps. This last one is important, because those twelve steps are what allow us to get and keep sobriety and everything else I just listed, and the purpose of the sponsor is to show us how they worked the steps so we can do it too.
Do you have any experience with AA meetings? We can help you locate some near you if you want.
I hear you, dear. I remember my first real dilemma back when I was a teenager. My father was a very demanding person, even when he wasn't drinking. He was also extremely abusive, physically and mentally. He would go out of his way to make our lives uncomfortable. Before long, this life of constant turmoil eventually caught up with me. I started to self medicate at the tender age of 13. During the next 5 years, I would experience the highs and lows of active alcoholism, including some real life struggles. Of course, the journey did not end there.
After 5 'more' years of increased anxiety, I finally got my chance to escape. Needless to say, it was the best and worse experience of my life. After my father died, I realized how much it affected our entire family. My brother almost committed suicide and my sister got pregnant early on. She also survived 2 unhealthy relationships as a result. This was just the tip of the iceberg. My mother died seven years later, which only brought more bad news. She had racked up so much debt that it was hard to pay everything off. It's been over 20+ years since then, but the pain still lingers on. However, things started to improve when I got sober back in 2001. It was the day of my redemption.
Today, things are quite different. I'm now in a better place, thanks in part to a wonderful support network. Of course, it can only get better from here. These are the steps I took in no particular order: First, I needed to commit to a plan. The first stage was designed to keep me in the game. It included some quality time alone, and a sit down with my immediately family. Then, I entered a rehab and spent the next ninety days attending meetings and of course, group therapy. It was a game changer for me. Second, I needed to further my ongoing commitment after a brief stint in rehab. I needed to practice the three Ps, patience, persistence and perseverance, and be willing to put sobriety first above all else. When I did, things started to improve. Lastly, I needed to further my horizons, which includes increased involvement in A.A. and a support network to back it up. With those tools in hand, we can accomplish just about anything, guaranteed. Just remember: A little willingness and a positive can-do-attitude can go a long way. I hope that trend continues. Welcome to M.I.P.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Sunday 1st of March 2015 01:24:53 AM
Welcome Abby, ... For me, to get a sponsor, I went to daily meetings and observed who had longevity and was 'happy' to be there ... then I asked them to sponsor me ... having someone that knows the program may work for some, but I wanted someone happy with being sober all the time too ... it worked for me ...
Take Care and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Howdy, your story resonated with me. I was stuck in low paying jobs and had an alcoholic significant other when my own drinking got worse and worse. It got so bad that I had to leave the relationship in order to get sober. I was sinking fast and we were not healthy for each other...We enabled each other. I don't know if you will need to end the relationship to get sober, but I had to. I came to realize it was a needy and clingy relationship anyhow. Also, I had so much more growing up to do and needed to be on my own for a while to do it. It was scary, as we'd been together for 7 years. Codependency was keeping me just about as sick as alcohol. When I tossed the crutches away and started in AA, I was raw, scared and confused. I had a sponsor from day 6 sober and obtained one by asking at meetings until I had one. I went to daily meetings for quite some time. I worked the steps and did lots of service. Within a few years, I was able to remove a lot of the barriers to my own success that I had unwittingly put up. I completed some more graduate work that allowed me to get licensed in my field, my salary has risen, I fell in love again in a much healthier way and got married. I have a nice sober life. I can say I've seen many come into AA. Some have more success than others. For me, I think that AA worked pretty well because I surrendered all of my dysfunctional self when I came in. I literally ripped the old me down...the relationship...everything and rebuilt and allowed AA to basically help me grow up in a healthier way all over again. Metaphorically, I tore down the whole house and started building a more solid foundation. It was painful and rough going for a couple years but well worth it to be functioning in this world rather than the drama filled, codependent, sick active alcoholic world I used to live in. That is my story and I hope it helps you in some way.
