Thought you would get a laugh out of this. Don't miss the comments at the end - too funny !!!!!



Dave Barry on his Colonoscopy:


This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:



I called my friend Andy Sable, gastroenterologist, to make an


appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his


office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one


point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy


explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,


reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I


didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was


shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP


YOUR BEHIND!"



I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a


prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in


a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss


MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we


must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.



I spent the next several days productively sitting around


being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I


didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.


Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then


you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you


have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,


because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a


mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.



The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody


with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind


of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may


experience contact with the ground.



MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle


launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the


commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much


confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate


everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally


empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which


point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even


eaten yet.



After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The


next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.

Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I


had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep 0A spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers


would not be enough.



At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I


understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the


forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained


space and took off my clothes and put on one of those


hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind


that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked 


than when you are actually naked.



Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my


left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me


that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was


ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I


pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to


make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in


full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.



When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the


procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an


anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I


knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously  nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my


left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something


up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the


room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be


playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen'


has to be the least appropriate.



'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the


moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell


you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.


I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment,


ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other


room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down


at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt


even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over,


and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.



the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the


following are actual comments made by his patients


( predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:



1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!



2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"



3. "Can you hear me NOW?"



4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"



5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."



6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"



7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."



8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"



9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!



10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."



11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

   

And the best one of all.



12. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"