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Post Info TOPIC: I'm going to a meeting this morning


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I'm going to a meeting this morning
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I foolishly thought I had everything under control. Work was great, family was great, I was happy. Somehow all of that good stuff made it easier to slide right back into the bottle. I haven't had a drink for a week but I realize now, after all this time, that it will only take a moment of uncertainty and I'll once again find myself shining some bar with the sleeves of my coat. I can't do it alone. I've tried and tried. I've put more effort into that futile fight than I've ever put into anything else and failed miserably every single time. I pray that I'm finally humbled enough to listen. I'm sorry for the things I've done and said here and in the real world. People here and in the rooms I've visited have always shown me nothing but love, empathy and compassion. I guess that's what keeps bringing me back. 



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Have you tried working the 12 Steps yet??



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Not really. But I will.

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It was a very good meeting.



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Tipsy, how can you say that you have "tried and tried" when you have not worked the 12 steps of AA? The 12 steps ARE the 'program of recovery' in AA. All the other stuff is just the 'fellowship' of AA. Trying to get sober & stay sober in AA without working the 12 steps and incorporating them into your daily life is like trying to learn how to ride a bicycle just by hanging out with people who ride bicycles, and reading books about bicycles. It won't happen until you DO it.

I'm not trying to be harsh. If anything, this is good news, because the path forward is clear and simple and there is no mystery to solve about what you should be doing differently than what you tried in the past. Get a sponsor who has lots of experience with the steps and ask him to show you how he did it and take you through the steps, and then keep living your daily life based on the principles found in the steps. 

The 12 steps are not some kind of 'punishment' for being an alcoholic, like writing on a blackboard a hundred times. They are the solution that allows people like us to live sane and comfortable lives, without needing or wanting a drink, feeling pretty good about ourselves because we have given ourselves a REASON to feel that way by cleaning up our lives, setting things right, and moving on with no regrets and avoiding repeats of past mistakes. Trying to stay sober without doing that tends to be extremely uncomfortable, and often makes us drink again.



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I meant that I've tried and tried "my way". And the effort was futile. Sorry, I should have been more clear.

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Aaaah. Got it. Then in the immortal words of Emily Litella....

 

"Oh. Well, that's different. Never mind"  : )

 



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Every night - when I pray to the God I do not need to understand - I mention your children James. When I wasn't worth it... my kids were. xxx

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Tipsy, ... You and I are the lucky ones ... we tried AA, didn't care for it, but at least we saw that there WAS HOPE in those rooms ...

I went to AA the 1st time in '95 ... then went back a couple years later, than again and again and again ... and after 13 years, I came back to stay, about 7 years ago ... I, too, thought I had learned enough about this recovery thingy to do it on my own ... and each time I would crash some time later ... oh, I worked through some of the steps each time, but I'd never work them all the way through ... not until this last time 7 years ago ...

I had to find a sponsor that could see through my BS ... 'total honesty' for me was a bitch ... but when you've lost everything, or are about to, then I surrendered to the fact that I would do anything to learn to live sober ... so I surrendered as only a dying man could do ... had I continued to drink, I'd have been dead a few years ago ...

I sense a change in you every time you come back ... perhaps it's time to get serious ... you know what needs to happen ... just do it ...


Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy



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Grateful for your journey and your post Tipsy.  Glad you came away from the meeting with more humility (being teachable).  Your post reminds me to the thoughts I use to have after each knock down, drag out bout.  "This cannot take me down".   Each time I survived a drunk and came out of it I was convinced I was invincible.  It took and honest assessment and the honest feed back from a rehab nurse I knew to tell me I wouldn't survive much longer.   I had already stopped drinking and have never lost the compulsion.  I still have it and her words etched inside of my memory.  What's important is what you do with the program in between the meetings.  You have been here long enough to hear the good stuff from the fellowship who cares deeply about you.  Now its time to work what you have learned....Work the Admitting you are powerless and that your life has become unmanageable.  A power more powerful than Tipsy's ego and a sponsor you would like to duplicate would be good right now.  Don't think it...do it.   smile



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Tipsy, what astonishes me is that for the 7-8 years that you've been visiting us, you haven't seemed to suffer any consequences (lost wife, family, job, home, driver's license, health, freedom...). Not even a bad fall or a good @$$ kicking. What makes you think you have a drinking problem? Trying to imagine the scenario.  You work in a family business (can't get fired), within walking distance of work and bars, family is very wealthy so wife will never leave and the town is paid off....  We have another member who has been coming and going for about the same amount of time as you, is (I'm guessing) 5-8 years younger than you, and has been in and out of rehabs, jail, disowned by family....



-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 11th of December 2014 06:08:09 AM

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Well Dean, what you've described is sort of accurate. In my situation I've managed (through mostly blind luck) to not lose my family, my career, my license, my freedom or my teeth. I think it has a somewhat to do with the kind of drunk that I am. I'm a binge drinker which allows me to go through periods of normalcy where I am a good boy and can clean up much of the messes I make. It still takes a vicious toll on my family, my bank account, my relationships, my health and my mental well being. It's just a much slower more drawn out process than someone who hits rock bottom totally and completely. I've broken the law while drinking. I've been unfaithful in my relationships. I've been deserving of a punch in the face more times than I can count. I must have a guardian angel or something because I've been ridiculously fortunate.

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I still feel the soul crushing, agonizing, shame, humiliation and self-loathing that comes with being an alcoholic. There has been more than once when I was so overwhelmed with emotional pain and mental torment that I considered crawling off somewhere to die. So I haven't exactly gotten off scott free if that makes you feel any better.

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justadrunk wrote:

Every night - when I pray to the God I do not need to understand - I mention your children James. When I wasn't worth it... my kids were. xxx


Thank you.

 

I'm very sorry for the way I behaved towards you in the past. I literally cringe with shame when I think about the things I've said to the people on MIP. 



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Tips... it's cool. I get it. You don't need My forgiveness. You need your own. My forgiveness will never define you, or offer you true relief.

You deserve that relief, and you deserve the journey there too. It's all learning... and that is a gift. I am grateful for mine. I take care of it (my journey - my gift) I wish the same for you. xxxxo

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I never lost that much either. No lost job, jail, no DUI. I cannot tell you how many times I got pulled over drunk and let go by the cops. Not proud of it but it was at least 7 or 8 times....Screaming fights almost escalating to violence, but no police. I kept telling myself..."well....if X, Y, or Z" ever happens. I crashed and totaled my car drunk and STILL didn't get a DUI. Only a totaled car, but that was one of the "yets" that I'd been telling myself. I was so sure I was going to jail for that one. I could practically hear the sirens coming and my job that required a totally clean record going too. It SHOULD have happened. Either way, have not drank since that night.

In retrospect, it's not even so much what I lost. I kept myself low functioning (or lower than I was capable of) across almost every area of my life....and for what? So that I could keep drinking and remain the same self-sabotaging man-child as I kept getting older and older. YUCK...it makes my skin crawl to think of what my alcoholism did to me even though it didn't land me in jail, rehab...(divorced? Well, I had plenty of break ups and drama and had moved in and out with at least 4 different partners).

What I do see Tipsy is you are growing up some with each effort you make at sobriety. I would love to see you stay sober for the long term, but I do think the program has already benefitted you. Perhaps it is the reason you don't have such bad consequences yet. You keep coming back to AA before you get to that....That is smart, but obviously you know it would be better to just stick around. Why shouldn't you be the person to get sober, stay sober, and sponsor others?

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All of us felt at

 

times that we were regaining control, but such intervals

 

usually briefwere inevitably followed by still

 

less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible

 

demoralization. AA Big  Book  page 30.

I cannot drink safely............

Wagon   

 

 

 

 

 

 



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Over the past week I've been going over the first 3 steps quite seriously with a temporary sponsor. At least with far more sincerity then I ever have before. I'm hopeful and trying my best to be open and honest. I'm trying not to make the same mistakes I've made in the past. I'm asking for phone numbers and using them. I'm asking for help. Things seem to be making a little more sense to me now.

I think pinkchip is right and that each sojourn I've had in AA has given me a tiny bit more to work with. I used to look back at those attempts as utter failures and really beat myself up over it. I'm starting to think that maybe that's just what I had to go through. The journey is different for everyone and for some reason mine just happened to take a really long time. Like ridiculously long.

We'll see how it goes. I don't feel confident enough to make and bold predictions. I know how things can change in the blink of an eye. I could be drunk by this afternoon if I'm not careful.

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I always had some 'white knuckle' moments early in recovery ... keep those phone #'s handy ... and the other thing that helped me beyond belief was say'n the 'Serenity Prayer' about a hundred times a day ...

Congrats on making 'Progress' ... ... ...



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Tip...I also crawled into recovery thinking if I could just lay down and hold my breath for longer than I had practiced as a diver then it would all be over and quietly.  I didn't know alcoholism from a rubber band.  I couldn't spell it or alcohol for that matter and it didn't matter at that time.  My problem wasn't with my drinking because there was family and friends who thought that drinking was my career and I was really good at it.  My problem at the time was with an alcoholic/addict wife who chased my drinking and wished she could drink like me and was always the reason for the night ending early.  I baby sat my wife often and stopped drinking earlier than intended.   No matter when the disease sets its talons it doesn't ask for names.  Victims of alcoholism extend in number way beyond just us drinkers.  When I stopped and was able to sit down quietly and listen with an open mind I got intrigued at how much pertained to both my wife and I and especially myself from birth.   I was born into this.  It was natural.  Over time we learn more as long as the disease doesn't take its total toll as it has with so many others.  It has taken so many members of my families and my friends and I still didn't know about alcoholism being a terminal, fatal disease. 

HP can and will use whatever is available to help us gain and maintain our sobrieties even our prides and egos.  I got to see what my life with alcohol and my alcoholic behaviors and attitudes and I also was stunned before I even came to know and understand what guilt and shame felt like.  Feeling those two emotions without the anesthesia of alcohol helped and still helps me to remain in my seat, listen with an open mind, ask that powerful question "Can you help me please" and allow newcomers to be teachers. 

I have never lost the compulsion to drink.  The alcoholic still lives within my shadow and I have learned so much from within the fellowship that keeps me from honoring the compulsion.  When the booze is gone (I now know from experience) I have a much easier time remembering the steps, traditions, slogans, BigBook, sponsor's phone number and address and especially that I am not my own Higher Power.

This works...when we work it.   Keep coming back brother...you got another day and another meeting coming up God willing.   (((hugs))) smile 



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Went to a meeting this morning. I'm having trouble sleeping so I was tired. It makes me hypersensitive to people there who are struggling. It's a good meeting, mostly positive, but some have a hard time at Christmas and are in a lot of emotional pain. I'm not very good yet and "staying behind my own eyes" and it's like I feel their hurt and suffering. I need a thicker skin I guess. It's great to have empathy and compassion but it's probably more helpful to them and to me if I don't allow myself to be reduced to tears by what they share.

I feel pretty good. Neither pink cloud delusional or restless and discontent. Just open and ready to listen. I found a good temp sponsor (a guy instead of a hot girl this time) and he's guiding me through the process. I call him and another AAer everyday to check in. I'm trying to check in here from time to time as well. It all helps.

I find myself repeating the third step prayer in my mind quite often. I particularly like that one. Oddly enough I don't remember hearing it before in all my ins and outs.



-- Edited by The Ghost of Tipsy on Sunday 14th of December 2014 01:46:44 PM

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Hey Tipster, ... there's no shame in shedding a few tears now 'n then ... yes, it shows empathy and compassion, but more than that, it shows you have love of life ... when someone else is hurting, it hurts us too, we feel the pain, that's the real thing, that's love ... that's something we are trying to put above the desire to drink ... cause alcohol takes the very ability to love away from us ...

Great job so far man ... sounds like you're on the right path ...



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 "It makes me hypersensitive to people there who are struggling".

Sounds to me like you are in the right place at the right time with the right people T.   YAY...take a humility lesson from them.  "Powerless" for me doesn't even closely suggest that I can stand alone or even cry with out notice.  Body language is 75% of communication and therefore I am exposed without saying a word.  I strive to be honest when I find the opportunity and then take it.  I learned that being humble is being teachable and look who my teachers are.  You're one of them and I am grateful.  First time I cried openly and in a croup of people as at a meeting and then kept coming back.  (((((hugs))))) smile



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Thanks tipsy
I was in and out of AA (sober thankfully) for a couple of years before my head finally imploded ( my step 1)
Over time I came to realise that my getting sober at any meaningful level was about a lived experience of it, drunk and sober, not any type of theory or wishing how life should or shouldn't be.

There's a line in the big book that talks about reaching a jumping off point, and says effectively that you reach a stage where you cannot live with alcohol and you cannot live without it and that is the jumping off point.

My coming to realise that I needed to be sober, and that sobriety was a better way of life than active alcoholism took me quite a long time after I got sober.
One of the reasons that I found accepting sobriety was a difficult was that I had been drinking since I was about 10, getting sober eventually aged 28.

During all that time I came to believe that alcohol was the only thing that was holding me together, and the worse my life got both internally and externally the more I believed that.

The idea of being sober and of being in AA terrified me, not so much because of the reality of what it meant, but because it meant that a life without the one thing I believed was holding me together alcohol.

Everyone has their own journey regarding drinking and sobriety.

One common feature I've noticed over the years is that most people seem to struggle, either getting sober or staying sober, coming to AA or not coming to AA and staying in AA or leaving AA.

This struggle may happen in early recovery or at any time later on.

One of the best pieces of advice I got was to think of AA, primarily the literature, as a body of experience that I could tap into and use in any way that I found helpful.

This gave me the benefit of being able to use AA in whatever way I wanted, and at the same time put the responsibility for my sobriety very clearly back on me and my sense of God.

One of the best saying's I heard at a meeting once was " take what you like and leave the rest" !!
Good luck


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Ah, welcome welcome welcome back, Tipsy. I'm so glad to see you here again. Good on you for your ability to know yourself a bit better this time around. We've all pulled for you, shaken our fist at you at times, and always loved you. (well, I guess I should just speak for myself). Seeing you back is good for my heart. Let's do this together!

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Thanks for the kind words of support.

Things are good. Just dealing with all the ups and downs that come with early sobriety. I find the whole process a little exhausting at times. I feel great 99% of the time, but that 1% when I dont can be tough. The other day I planned to drink. I made a plausible excuse to stay at work overnight. By "excuse" I mean "lie", and I was completely ready to go to my favorite watering hole and crawl into a bottle. I got to the highway and stopped. I called my sponsor, turned the car around and went home. I confessed to my wife that I'd lied to her about having to work and what my real intentions were. She was understandably shocked but happy I didn't go through with it. I apologized and suggested that she can't be so trusting of me right now.

The odd thing is that I was feeling so good. That very morning I was reading the big book, praying and in a mentally strong place. Then a switch flipped and next thing I knew I was on my way to get drunk. My sponsor says I should feel good that didn't go through with it and I do, but it's scary too. That it can happen just like that. I think that maybe a higher power was at work because I've never really stopped en route to a binge before. 

Instead of drinking that evening I spent a beautiful night with my wife and kids. I savored every minute of it because I was so close to not being there and slipping.

Thanks for letting me share :|



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I just came back and reread the posts here. Man there's some great stuff here. I look at the wisdom you people have gained through working your program and I want it. I want to be able to offer guidance to someone in need of help someday.

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Great post Tip, ... and congrats on your 'better judgement' in calling your sponsor ... that is certainly 'growth' from what you'd have done in the past ... been there, done that ...

the 1st 2 or 3 months are a real b*tch ,,, I know, cause I been there so many times ... I thank God for being sober today, cause I too, can sit back and actually enjoy being with family instead of getting aggravated at them all the time ... BUT, what it took was nothing less than putting my sobriety 1st and foremost in my life, even above family, until I worked the steps and became able to 'balance' my life ...

AND, what a wonderful life it is without alcohol tell'n me what to do all the time ...


Take Care Brother



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Hey Tipsy, looking back at my comment, it appeared snarkyier (<--- word lol) than I intended. I was thinking how fortunate your were, knowing that it can't last. I remember when my first wife and I split up for the last time and I immediately thought "there's goes my designated driver, it won't be long before I get pulled over for a DUI." I thought it through, losing my license, and subsequently losing my job, followed by my innability to pay child support, which brings jail time in VA at that time. I played it all the way out to homelessness and complete insanity. I scheduled my last drink, hit a meeting the next day, sober ever since. Get-r-done tipsy.



-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 17th of December 2014 08:02:52 PM

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I didn't take any offense. I knew where you were coming from. My response was sincere but also meant to be a bit playfully cheeky.

Truthfully I know that I am really fortunate. I don't deserve all the blessings I have. Maybe I was a better person in another life and I'm just living off that guy/girls good deeds :)

I'm working harder than I ever have in the past. I tend to berate myself for struggling but I shouldn't because it's working. I'm getting through the bad moments and not drinking. The promises are already beginning to come true. I have brief flickers of real peace and serenity. My financial worries are evaporating. My home life is better. My wife and kids are happier. Everything they told me is true.



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Good to see you back Tipsy!  I love you with all your flaws.  We all have them.  You're a brother and one thing The Program has taught me is Love and Tolerance of others.  Thank you for the reminder that it doesn't get any better, only woarse.  It supports the meaning of a progressive diesase that doesn't just go away.

The only Step you need to do perfectly is Step 1.  For me, there was no lasting sobriety or recovery until I surrendered and accepted that I had this thing.  Me of all people.  LOL confuse  Once I did that, the heart and the mind meet and started down a different path.  Humility is key.  I always thought of myself as humble, until I really learned what it meant.  smile

Keep posting- It's good for you and us!  Thanks.

 



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