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Post Info TOPIC: Checking in and struggling!!!


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Checking in and struggling!!!
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Have not checked in in a while and thought I would do so.

Complete honesty here........I have had a couple of relapses over the last year and am really struggling with what to do about things. I am still maintaining contact with my sponsors on a daily basis, attending meetings, keeping a job, but I am sick and tired of this life. Sick and tired of feeling alone and like no one gives a damn. 'Oh, I understand what you are going through'......no you don't! Nobody can understand what I am going through except for me. I know what it takes to stay sober.......WHY do I keep wanting to go back? I practice Step 1 every single day.....I AM powerless over alcohol, over life, over people, places, and things. My spiritual life has never been stronger but I just don't understand.......why the need, the want, the thoughts of getting drunk? Why do they keep creeping in. I feel in my heart of hearts I have given all that I have over to the care of God. My prayer life is consistent and strong. I'm just at a loss right now..........

Oh, and the x wife wants to reconcile............we can talk about that one later!

Sorry for the rambling but just needed to get some things off of my chest.

 

 



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"Just for Today........."


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Not sure what to say here.  

 

Don't be struck with the disease of "Uniqueness".  We do understand.  Unfortunately alcoholics obsess on how they are singularly different and nobody understands.  Well, we do and I understand your thoughts of being alone in your head of issues.

 

You say your spiritual life has never been better. It's my experience that if you are connected to GOD, AND complete the entirety of the steps your issues are less magnified and you can easily deal with them.  Keep focusing on contact with GOD.

 

Have you completed your steps?  (Not All 12 in and out of sobriety...meaning no gaps  1234-RELAPSE-567-Relapse-etc.) It may be that until you fully complete your steps in continuous sobriety you won't get the psychic change required to feel your best.

 

 



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MIP Old Timer

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Standing_Tall wrote:

Have not checked in in a while and thought I would do so........WHY do I keep wanting to go back? I practice Step 1 every single day....

Sorry for the rambling but just needed to get some things off of my chest.

 


 Sometimes that happens, even to the best of us. Dr. Bob, AA cofounder, sometimes thought a double scotch would taste mighty good, even after years of sobriety. He ended up OK. Keep the Faith, ST.

And get it off your chest when you need to. That's a good thing to do. You helped remind me how powerful and persistent King Alcohol is.

 

 



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First, deal with the things that might kill you.

 



MIP Old Timer

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I never had an issue with powerlessness. I knew I was powerless way back when. I planned around it - cleaned the house - locked the doors - hid my keys - I knew that after I started, I had no idea where it would end, and I prepared for it. There was never a question of powerlessness for me in any way shape or form.

Step 2 was a little trickier for me since I had no HP - but once I was open to the fact that I could be wrong about there being NO HP... or rather, that I was no 'better' than those who said there was in my stance (since no one actually knows)... a path was cleared for me... in just admitting I don't know.

But step 3 was where my life really started taking on a new shape. Coming to believe was one thing - but taking different actions in my life were a whole other. Step 3 was the true test. Was I really willing to turn my will over to the care of this God/HP I did not even understand? Well - it was simple. I trusted in a higher good. That Good/God would always prevail. I flipped the switch off in my mind when I started treating me crappy - self wallowing, self pity, dishonesty (to include not stating my true feelings to people and myself) and so on. I had to believe that a loving HP would not wish for me to be all these things I was being - because then I had to feel like these crappy things. So I changed the channel and replaced those thoughts with the higher thinking of a higher powers loving kindness.

Step 4 and 5 I spilled the beans and let it all out - I got some honest feedback from a trusted friend in the program to tell me some of these things that I was doing (character defects) that had me in a lock hold of dysfunctional thinking and behaviors -and so forcing me to feel these terrible things.

Step 6 I asked for help to do the opposite seeking progress never perfection.

Step 7 I meditated on humility and let myself be just one of the whole - just part of my human family - just who I am.

Step 8 I looked over all those I harmed and I saw clearly who I harmed the most was myself.

Step 9 - I began making living amends immediately by diligently treating me better by acting better, thinking better, shutting of self pity and loathing and in fact slapping this HP in the face by saying I was crap. I began setting the balance I offset - back for the Universe... finding ways to make things right either indirectly or directly - but mostly for the love of life itself and my HP.

Step 10 - I vowed to never give up on me again... and took note of it immediately if I began to and asked for help.

Step 11 - I considered ways I could improve on what I was doing - and focused on the things I was doing right, not the things I was doing wrong so as to release shame and guilt.

Step 12 - I allowed myself to just be - and others to just be - and in doing so found out about unconditional love, tolerance and acceptance toward my entire human family which made me most useful to the higher power I still do not understand but feel deep faith in and love for because I got to come to a place of being okay with not knowing.

xoxoxo

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Thanks for everything.  Peace and Love on your journey.  



MIP Old Timer

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"Nobody can understand what I am going through except for me"....that one phrase and idea alone use to keep me stuck and sick for such a long time until I got it into my soul to "listen to similarities and not the differences" and when I did the magic followed.  It wasn't that they didn't understand it was more truthfully that I didn't and so I learned that humility didn't mean humiliation it meant being teachable and I was student only...I had nothing to teach and no one to teach it to including myself. 

When I struggle (just for me) I know my pride and ego are trying to run the show while my spirit is trying to escape the company of both of them.

Dr. Harry Tibout who was a huge friend of AA taught me the difference between submission and surrender and thank God I only needed the first lesson to get it.   "In submission the alcoholic accepts consciously that he is powerless and there remains a lurking thought that someday he will again be able to drink safely without problem.  In surrender the he accepts on the subconscious level that he can and will never be able to drink at all".  This is a paraphrase of his lesson and still the one that is planted dead center in my own recovery.  I have never lost the compulsion to drink and have never returned to drinking either because my subconscious acceptance runs my behavior.  I know what it smells like and sounds like and tastes like and I know how not to and that there never was a law that said I should.

Page 449 of the 3rd edition of the BBofAA and Dr. Bob's lesson on "Acceptance being the solution to all of my problems..."

Set your self free.  Keep coming back...Happy Thanksgiving.  smile



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MIP Old Timer

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Surrendering our life and our will over to God is not just a mindset or an attitude.  It is an action.  Or, rather, a series of actions.  In other words, the only way you can truly surrender yourself to God is by working the 12 Steps.  Take those actions, and your entire life will change.



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MIP Old Timer

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In thought and prayer......Each day is another opportunity to choose LIFE.......smile



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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.


MIP Old Timer

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Wow, ... I get sick a couple days and things start poppin' around here ... Great follow-up sharing ...

Great share ST ... I CAN RELATE!!! ... went through exactly what you described, several times over several years ... when the pain started outweighing the pleasure and I had sank a lot lower than I thought I could ever go, I was ready for either death or recovery ... I chose recovery ...

I had to get off the merry-go-round one way or the other ... stick a fork in me, ... I WAS DONE...

AA and its steps, and its principles, and its fellowship showed me a whole new way of life, but it wasn't until I did what they suggested that I came to be granted the promises in the BB ... ... ... oh yeah, several times I felt I knew enough now to do it my way ... fell flat on my ass every time ... finally, I stopped fighting the program and started living it ... WOW, what a difference!!! ...

It really IS a choice ...


May God grant you the wisdom to make the right choice ...



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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'

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