HELP!!!!! Sponsor advice needed

Dexter04 · Newbie

HELP!!!!! Sponsor advice needed

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to the forum. Glad to read that you've made it past 1 year without alcohol. That's a terrific start.

It's not unusual for people to have some difficulty in getting a sponsor. I know it took me awhile to finally ask someone to be my sponsor.

I think there are two basic approaches to asking. First, picking someone and then putting the question to him before or after a meeting. Second, letting a meeting, group or the chairperson know that you are in need of a sponsor--then relying on someone to volunteer to be your sponsor.

Also, you may want to take a look at the AA pamphlet on sponsorship:

http://aa.activeboard.com/t50146639/sponsorship-pamphlet/

Lots of good explanations of what sponsorship is about in there.

Good luck, Dexter.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

People often say they have "trust issues" like it's a given. That is something to work on, not hold on to. As a gay male I found it best to have a gay male sponsor, but pick someone that was either married and definitely not someone I was attracted to. Aside from that, it needed to be someone I respected. I wanted to learn to become a mature gay man who could handle his business and not some wounded drunk gay casualty who tries to stay boyish forever...that is so common in our culture. In retrospect, a straight sponsor would be okay too, but there are parts of the step 4 sexual inventory that might have made me uncomfortable talking about with a straight sponsor. Thankfully, there are a ton of gay AA meetings where I live so I had exposure to many choices for a sponsor. I have had the same sponsor for 5 years. So...my suggestion, keep looking. I couldn't have done this without my sponsor.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Dexter04 wrote:
I am a gay white male in my late 20s and recently hit my very first AA bday. I had a sponsor who found me in the beginning and he basically faded away after a couple of weeks leaving me high in the water. I'm not sure how but I was able to get to one year the first time by just going to meetings. I have major trust issues and after my experience with my first sponsor I'm afraid to try again. I don't know how to ask someone for help or to be my sponsor. It's almost like I need a sponsor right now o help me find a sponsor. I feel like I either need to get a sponsor and work the steps or move on with my life and do things my way.

Welcome to MIP Dex, ...

It's never a good idea to 'do things my way' ... Mr. Pickle had some good advice and I will add the same link he did with the option to just 'click' and view ...

http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/nopage/p-15-questions-and-answers-on-sponsorship

My suggestion, after reading the link above, would be to observe the group members where you go to meetings and look for someone who looks and acts 'happy' to be there ... someone with multiple years, preferably ... then after (or before) a meeting, simply say to them that 'I am in need of a sponsor' are you interested or would you be willing to work with me on the steps ... ... ...

Just prepare yourself to do some work at the suggestion of this sponsor, you won't regret it as long as your heart is in it ...

Love ya and God Bless,

Pappy

-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Monday 10th of November 2014 08:00:35 AM

2granddaughters · Senior Member

Dexter04 wrote:
I am a gay white male in my late 20s and recently hit my very first AA bday. I had a sponsor who found me in the beginning and he basically faded away after a couple of weeks leaving me high in the water. I'm not sure how but I was able to get to one year the first time by just going to meetings. I have major trust issues and after my experience with my first sponsor I'm afraid to try again. I don't know how to ask someone for help or to be my sponsor. It's almost like I need a sponsor right now o help me find a sponsor. I feel like I either need to get a sponsor and work the steps or move on with my life and do things my way.

Congrats on 1 yr sober !!

Did your sponsor move out of town? Did he fade away or did you fade away?

I never felt "faded away" from my sponsor as I followed him everywhere. (I knew that I needed him more than he needed me)

He did, as time went by, stopped babysitting me and let me commit to putting myself in his presence rather than him putting himself in my presence .

I suggest YOU make the move to get what YOU need and don't expect others to read your mind or offer what you need.

And for God's sake don't go back to "moving on YOUR way".

Where it says in HOW IT WORKS "We stood at the turning point" .. you are standing there. Now get with the program "with complete abandon". Pray and work.

You will stand at that turning point often in recovery so get used to it. Listen to the good oldtimers in your group for direction and help.

All the best.

Bob R

-- Edited by 2granddaughters on Monday 10th of November 2014 09:15:04 AM

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Sometimes I try restating my stuff like this:

My disease causes me to have trust issues.
My disease tells me finding a sponsor is complicated, terrifying and difficult.
My disease produces anxiety and stress in me.
Etc etc etc

Then I usually go on to say to myself:

I am Not. my disease.

I can do this. It's no big deal -
I have excelled at much more complicated things.
I have trusted before, I can do it again - I can take risks that are worth while.
I have survived many bouts of anxiety and stress - and I will be okay again - what ever happens - I will deal with it sober, and everything will be okay.

Then I usually go on to consider that most of the things that my disease is making a 'big deal' is just because it wants to kill me.

So I just give a big 'f - you' and move on. Aint happenen.

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

As a recovering alcoholic with time in the rooms I can recognize more easily who I should listen to trust on certain "issues"...For me PinkChip put it down best. What ever you decide that share had most experience to your need...just saying. smile

Mike D · MIP Old Timer

You're right about needing to get busy working the Steps. Meetings alone can only keep us sober for about so long. Looks like you're trying to do what you have to do to stay sober....and that's a good thing. Don't give up.

Blessings, Mike D.

Dexter04 · Newbie

No he did not move out of the own. He told me to call him every day and I did. We met once a week for a couple of weeks and the phone conversations were hit and miss then silence. I called everyday like we agreed and got voicemail everyday. I adventally gave up Because I felt he gave up

Dexter04 · Newbie

Thank you all for the suggestions. Now that a year has past I am ready to move on and change the places in my life. As they say no major changes in the first year. I am planning on moving out of state and to AZ. FinDing that right guy for a sponsor opening up and pouring my heart out then moving is it really worth it? Should I wait till I move I'm lost

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

What is it that you would suggest to a person when you meet them and they say "I'm Lost". One I can think of is "Get a person who knows this terrain and ask for a lead". When I got into recovery I surprised myself often when I heard myself ask another person in recovery, "Can you help me please"? Please indicated how seriously I didn't want to die from this disease. I was afraid of being turned down because I felt I had run out of all options.. After practicing that question over and over again I tried another one also..."Can you sponsor me please"? Yep I got turned down and I got fired and then found a string of sponsors only God could put together and for that I am beyond grateful and still alive. Practice the questions. smile

Let me give you a response my first sponsor gave me that still works for me years later which was to be used in times of uncertainty and doubt. "When in doubt...don't"

What ironically helped me much here was that sponsor's name was Don T. Mysterious ways eh? Don t react...call Don T...simple program.

-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 13th of November 2014 09:45:51 PM

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

Dexter04 wrote:
...Now that a year has past I am ready to move on and change the places in my life. As they say no major changes in the first year. I am planning on moving out of state and to AZ. FinDing that right guy for a sponsor opening up and pouring my heart out then moving is it really worth it? Should I wait till I move I'm lost

My guess is that it's worth a try. Sounds like you need help.

A temporary sponsor might be just the thing.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

If one puts off recovery until it's 'convenient', one may never make it back ... for me, recovery required daily action on my part ... I went though periods, in early recovery, where I 'coasted' for a bit ... that always came back to bite me on the rear end ... I found that if I was not moving forward, I was slowly sinking ... alcohol is a 'cunning' bastard ...

Mr_David · MIP Old Timer

Congrats on your 1st year anniversary. It's probably the most difficult year in sobriety. If you can get through year 1, you have a greater chance at long term recovery. I hope that trend continues.

When you mentioned the word sponsorship, the first person that came to mind was my initial sponsor, Mike M. He was a dedicated Marine with over 30 years of continuous sobriety; a true gentleman if there ever was one. He was also the first person I actually trusted. I remember our first meeting like it was yesterday. He had just lost his wife, of 40 years, to cancer and was now going through a rough couple of weeks. I guess that's why we connected so easily. After 6 months of back and forth, I finally asked him to sponsor me. It took some convincing, but he finally said yes. It was probably the best decision I ever made. He suffered through a series of health related injuries back in the 90's, including 2 heart bypass surgeries, but remained calm through it all. Unfortunately, our relationship never materialized like I thought it would, but there were other sponsors willing to take me on.

In the last 13+ years, I've been through a half dozen sponsors if not more. They either leave, move on or die off, whatever comes first. It's something I've grown accustomed to over the years. When it comes to sponsorship, however, there is one thing I do know; I could always find someone willing to take me on despite my horrendous track record. Case in point, my current sponsor Matt. He's been with me through thick and thin. Don't get me wrong; he has some real life issues other than alcoholism, but who doesn't. I'm just glad to have someone like him in my life. I hope you can do the same. Onward.

-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 15th of November 2014 11:00:36 PM