At a meeting the other day, the topic was how we have improved in AA. It was kind of a gratitude subject and I truly enjoyed it. Of course I over analyze everything, and I begin to think, OK, the pink cloud has passed, how have I not improved in AA? What comes to mind is the feeling of guilt I get from the program. I could never be as ambitious as our founders of AA. I make coffee and I am the treasurer of my home group. Yet, in my readings it says to stay sober you must continue to change, improve and basically do more. Don't get complacent, you may fall back to old habits that could drive you to drink again. The guilt, fear emotions begin to arrive, mixed with a little anger. I don't like it, especially when it comes to election time when the district is looking for volunteers and eyes seem to be shifted in my direction. Maybe just some paranoia passing through. Likewise, I have a little over 5 years sobriety and haven't done a fifth step. I could tell you all the excuses but why bother. I intend to do it. My sponsor tells me I'm doing fine and that I'm just not ready yet. I feel fine with no thought of drinking.Yet the twisted guilt is there. The 4th step is paramount to recovery. Work your own program. Half measures avail us nothing. Sometimes, not always, freedom doesn't seem so free and serenity doesn't seem so serene.
I feel certain that the peace and serenity you seek is waiting for you to finish the steps ... 5 years sober and not finished with step 5, come on, how much more time do you need ??? ... at five years, it's common to have already sponsored 1/2 dozen new members ... and you certainly cannot show a sponsee how to work steps you have not finished yourself ...
You don't have to be as ambitious as our founders, heck they went through the steps within a few days at the most ... just finish the steps without delay and you'll come to know the promises up close and personal ... ... ...
Love ya man and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
The idea of 'always improving' in AA does not necessarily mean 'taking on more and more and more AA commitments'. Remember that others in AA need to have the opportunity to be of service too, and it does a disservice to others if we take on more than our fair share of service commitments.
The 'always improving' can refer to addressing those feelings of guilt, fear, anger, over-analyzing, paranoia, etc. that you mentioned in your comment. Those things may not be making you think about drinking right now, but they sure are uncomfortable, and left to run their course, they often take us there sooner or later. And, you guessed it, that 'improvement' that we do to address those issues and live comfortably with our sobriety is done through the 12 steps. That is where our most important improvements and changes come from.
The fact that you are staying sober and continuing to strive for self-improvement is a sign of always improving. If something is repeatedly bothering me that I have or have not done and I ignore it, I've come to learn that this is me blocking my own program. Hence, my suggestion to you is just write out the 4th step and get it done as best you can and then move forward. It's clearly bothering you that you haven't done it yet. This is your program, not your sponsor's. So you seem to want to move forward in the steps. My suggestion is do it and do it for you whether or not your sponsor says you are "fine" or not.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks for the post JJ! Guilt aims at the destruction of SELF. It's a powerful force if left unattended. Part of releasing guilt is to talk about it, which you've done here. Completion of The Steps and a HP should take care of the rest. Some of the things you may feel guilt over will become an asset down the road. To you or someone else. You sound a lot like me. Guilty for not being perfect or living up to MY own unrealistic expectations. We need to seek a balance in life and AA. Sounds like you're well balanced. You attend meetings and do service work. That's all that's required. Just be a part of instead of apart from. Some do more, some less and some none. Sounds like you're right in the middle. Hard to get picked off in the middle of the herd.
Change for me happens in waves. Lots of change in the beginning and then slow change over time. I like the line- patient improvement. When I start to feel complacement, I mix things up. Maybe a new meeting or talking with new folks. Somtimes we can tackle change without being forced into it by pain. That's one of the benefits of The Program! I like that sorta change.......
Thanks again for the shares. Can't tell you how important they are. Will be heading down south soon so that will mix up my meetings, new people and such. Also, I figure if I write a sentence or two a week to complete this 4th step, I'll get the damn thing done (tired of looking at a blank page). Anyway, just got to commit, keep the nuts and bolts in my head well lubricated and snug with AA and the fellowship and enjoy the ride, one day at a time
Hi JJ The first thing that comes to mind is we tend to observe the negative instead of the positive (talking about gratitude in the meeting then thinking about what we're not doing "right".) we can go to a party and have a great time and enjoy fellowship and be a friend but if we say one thing we think is awkward, that is what we'll focus on on the way home.
However, we also do want to work through our emotional issues so doing the steps is key, yes. I was about 5 years sober when I started not feeling good. It eventually led me to the steps. In a fourth step we should have clear instruction and be writing every day (there are reasons for that.) also 3rd step prayer before writing to invite God in.
It does take a ton of willingness. But many have gone before us.
I found there was nothing to be afraid of because I had a Big Book sponsor who had much wisdom and was close to God...she got me right into the Solution in every resentment I had
It was awesome
I wish you the best on your continued journey
-- Edited by MakingWaves on Saturday 1st of November 2014 01:28:26 PM
I like that sorta change.......