Fearful

EJH13 · Member

Fearful

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Well dear one... If you weren't scared that would be a bad sign... and keep in mind that all of us who are here today happy and free we're terrified too. It's a requirement you see... As it's what keeps us sick long enough to die... but also what gives us our bottom if we are so graced. Get to that meeting and let us know how it went. We'll support ya every step of the way. Xoxo I believe in you.

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

"Same story," eh, EJH?

I know that situation. Just as I know about the guilt and shame. It's quite oppressive.

I didn't change "the same story" until I asked for help. You can do that here or at a meeting. If you can't go to a F2F meeting, try online AA meetings, such as at:

aaonline.net

You can find other online AA meetings at:

www.aa-intergroup.org

Welcome aboard, EJH.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to MIP EJ, ... That pain and misery you are going through now is the price of membership in AA ... we've all paid those dues ... and all that's required for membership in AA is a desire to stop drink'n, that and perhaps a 'willingness' to change ...

Start that change in your life now by getting to a meeting ... trust me, there are plenty of those you'll meet that know EXACTLY how you feel ... right down to the embarrassment, guilt, shame, etc. ... ... ... I've been through it more than a time or two myself ...

I really was convinced I was hopeless, then those who had gone before me, showed me the way to change ... they showed me the solution to my problem and the way out ... Please stick around long enough to see, feel, and experience what the sober life has to offer you, ... we'll help ...

Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy

EJH13 · Member

Thank You all so much for your responses. I had no idea these type of chat rooms existed. I think it'll make it easier for me to get to a F2F meeting. Can I look for a sponsor online as well?

I guess I just figured binge drinking was not the same as an everyday alcoholic. I 'm pretty sure I always knew this but didn't want to say it out loud. But I am an alcoholic. That's for damn sure. I'll be checking in regularly. Thank you thank you!

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Welcome! Online meetings will be good when you literally cannot make F2F. My personal belief is that F2F meetings will be superior. If it's shame or discomfort keeping you from F2F meetings, going to online ones is a half measure probably because you are still letting fears rule you. Same with an online sponsor. Not ideal but it beats not having one at all.

EJH13 · Member

Thank you for the honesty... I think you are right. I just don't know that I have the strength today.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

EJH13 wrote:

I guess I just figured binge drinking was not the same as an everyday alcoholic. I 'm pretty sure I always knew this but didn't want to say it out loud. But I am an alcoholic. That's for damn sure. I'll be checking in regularly. Thank you thank you!

I'm not sure why, but your post reminded me of one the stories in the BB about a 30 y/o guy ... no matter how long you go between drinks, if once you have that first drink and you can't stop til you're plastered, then you are definitely one of us ... and I think you're starting to realize this ... check this out on pg. 32/33 of the BB:

A man of thirty was doing a great deal of spree drinking. He was very nervous in the morning after these bouts and quieted himself with more liquor. He was ambitious to succeed in business, but saw that he would get nowhere if he drank at all. Once he started, he had no control whatever. He made up his mind that until he had been successful in business and had retired, he would not touch another drop. An exceptional man, he remained bone dry for twenty-five years and retired at the age of fifty-five, after a successful and happy business career. Then he fell victim to a belief which practically every alcoholic has-that his long period of sobriety and self-discipline had qualified him to drink as other men. Out came his carpet slippers and a bottle. In two months he was in a hospital, puzzled and humiliated. He tried to regulate his drinking for a little while, making several trips to the hospital meantime. Then, gathering all his forces, he attempted to stop altogether and found he could not. Every means of solving his problem which money could buy was at his disposal. Every attempt failed. Though a robust man at retirement, he went to pieces quickly and was dead within four years.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

You have the strength. It has taken great strength to survive as an alcoholic. You probably have above average survival skills, intelligence and will power/strength. You are very practiced at applying that to drinking - just not other areas. But since you have achieved so much, and over come so many obstacles to stay an alcoholic, there is no doubt that you have everything and then some - that it takes to do everything AA will ask of you (which is actually far easier than the crap we have to pull off to satisfy our overdeveloped need for alcohol).

Believe it or not - that can all be halted and those desires you have to drink can actually be completely gone. I didn't realize that was possible when I got here. I just thought I was going to be fighting against an urge to drink for ever. But that issue is removed from us through working the steps and program - which leads us to finding our own working Higher power.

Each day - do what it takes to NOT drink no matter what. Remember, the story in your head that tells you ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that makes it okay to drink - IS the mental aspect of this. If you recognize it as part of alcoholism, you can separate yourself, your True self - from the 'disease'. That helped me before my desire to drink was gone through working the steps with a sponsor.

Keep us posted :)

EJH13 · Member

Thank you pythonpappy, I think I still have my BB. I'll start reading it tonight, when my thoughts really get loud. To Justadrunk, the idea of not having the desire to drink is an exciting one! I'm so happy I found this board and thank you for your kind words. I look forward to becoming immersed in the program... I know I can't do it alone. Been trying that for too long now.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Hey EJ, ... Yep, the feeling of waking up and go'n through the day without even one thought of having a drink is indeed, 'peace and serenity' ... a miracle that happens over and over in the AA family on a daily basis ... absolutely wonderful beyond human description ... try it, you'll like it!!!

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Check in daily....more than daily if you want. We are here for you.

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Welcome EJ! Glad to have you here with us.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

How is it going today?

EJH13 · Member

To be honest, I haven't been to a meeting. Social anxiety usually gets the best of me. However, I've been reading the book a lot hoping to stay the course. I was doing dishes today and got the urge to have a glass of wine (my personal favorite) but felt depressed knowing that I can't...like... EVER. Also got invited to a Halloween party today and didn't know how to RSVP bc I knew it would be a bad idea. My boss even offered me a deal to travel for a couple days -but I'm too nervous to be in a situation where my peers will want me to drink.. which they will. Kind of hard not to feel like "the fun is over" even though I know "the fun" almost always ends disastrously for me! But, miraculously, I haven't had a drink. And I'm grateful for that...

Thank you all for your thoughts :)

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

I was too scared to go too. The mental part of this disease makes us believe our own lies. Some feel like the truth... or we make them the truth. You have gone to Walmart before right? Lots of people there. All kinds of them. Some nothing like you... Some more so. But they all have some things in common. They all have a head... A heart. .. need tp lol. Go to the meeting with your real mind that allows you to go everywhere else. Don't listen to the disease which tells you lies knowing it's threatened and could be killed at a meeting. When you get there focus only on similarities. The disease will try to point out differences so it can again get you out of there where it will die. Don't listen. Swallow your pride that you're listening to lies. Don't feel bad... we all did... and had to in order for the disease to be in us. Let us know how it goes.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

EJH13 wrote:
Kind of hard not to feel like "the fun is over" even though I know "the fun" almost always ends disastrously for me! But, miraculously, I haven't had a drink. And I'm grateful for that...

Thank you all for your thoughts :)

Hey Girl, ... You've no idea what 'fun' really is ... to enjoy yourself so immensely that you sleep like a baby at night with contentment in your heart, knowing the next morning will come and bring new joys of love in many different ways ... that is what is available with sobriety in AA ... 'we are not a glum lot' ...

I suspect you feel like you are 'trapped ' right about now ... don't know how in the world you can live without alcohol, and certainly cannot picture a life being sober all the time ... I suspect you don't WANT to quit drink'n and for sure you don't WANT to keep drink'n and stay in the misery that it always brings to the table ... ... ... we've all been there, done that ... (my sponsor told me once, I didn't ask what you WANTED to do, I asked what you were GOING to do ...)

Try our 'way of life' for a little while ... if you don't come to like it or love it, we'll refund all the misery you missed while sober ... guaranteed ...

Love ya and God Bless,

Pappy

Zoomtopz · MIP Old Timer

Welcome EJH .

Pablo Picasso said -

"The meaning of life IS To Find your gift .

The purpose of your life Is To GIVE It away"

We say "To keep it , You Have to Give it away"

We also say "How Your experience CAN benefit Others"

Is that Not "giving It away"

SO ! You Have to BE here .

Please Keep coming Back . I Need You.

davep12and12 · MIP Old Timer

EJH13 wrote:
To be honest, I haven't been to a meeting. ....

Just a suggestion - I encourage you to read the chapter in the Big Book called "A Vision for You", especially that last page. Really let it sink in. Maybe that can help give you the extra bit of hope and encouragement to get to some meetings and meet some people who can help you do this. There is a whole new chapter ready to begin for your life, but it won't start until you meet the other people in the story.....

Mr_David · MIP Old Timer

EJH13 wrote:
How do I even begin?

You just did. Welcome to M.I.P.

Transitional phases usually take 8 months to a year, maybe more. Actually, it felt more like 9 to 10 months but who's counting. Whether it took 8, 9 or 10 months seems rather irrelevant when you consider the facts. It took me that long, or more, just to retool my thinking. Even if it took a year or so by comparison, it still would not change my overall demeanor. It was my lack of honesty the really put my sobriety in question. Then came the tricky part, what to do next?

After 8 months or so, things started to improve. Then reality struck: Where do I go from here? From my standpoint, there was no way I could prevent a possible 'relapse' without an effective solution. It was the only way I could establish a clear set of boundaries despite my lack of enthusiasm. It became my saving grace for the first year or two. Then, after a year or so, I could re-think those boundaries

I also needed some time away from my career. I started to second guess my decision making, even in day to day operations, but I never wavered from my new found commitment even in challenging times like these. I also felt relieved knowing I could distance myself from the past while still enjoying my present circumstances. I did not have to abandon a single thing, including my family, friends or casual acquaintances just to protect my way of life and neither should you. I needed to establish a clear distinction between everyday life and sober living or balance the two simultaneously, whatever came first. When I finally did, my life improved dramatically. I hope yours does as well. Onward...

-- Edited by Mr_David on Friday 10th of October 2014 10:52:01 PM

EJH13 · Member

Thank u all again. I think I need y'all too! So here's the crappy part.. My weekend starts tonight & I usually end my week with a bottle of wine. Tonight I replace it with pain, irritability, envy & sadness. Sweet pity party going on over here. What do they call me? A 'dry' alcoholic? Whatever it is...it blows. So I'm drowning my sorrows with candy & movies tonight. I'll have to find another outlet soon or I'll be joining weight watchers too. :/

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Having some sweets is good for decreasing the cravings ... cause alcohol has a lot of sugar in it ... I know I had sweets close by for my 1st year in AA ... and my home group always made available cookies and coffee ...

Have you made it to a meeting yet ??? ... tonight would be an excellent time to do so, although now it's getting late ... but there are some groups with meetings around the clock ...

We all go through some 'pity parties', that's one reason I averaged 7 to 8 meetings a week for almost 2 years ... and I may be wrong, but a 'dry Alkie' is someone who has been around AA for a while, gone through the motions of working the program, but is just waiting around for the promises to happen ... better known as a 'dry drunk' ... ... ... not sure this is what you meant ??? ...

EJH13 · Member

Hi, pythonpappy! No meeting yet. Just reading everyone's posts & trying to stay busy.

I meant... An alcoholic who has stopped drinking but not in a program.. I thought that was a 'dry drunk'...I couldn't remember if that was the right term or not. Thx for clearing that up! I'm thinking tomorrow will be the day- as I have no plans whatsoever, which frightens me. Being bored is a trigger... Right?

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

EJH13 wrote:

I meant... An alcoholic who has stopped drinking but not in a program.. I thought that was a 'dry drunk'...I couldn't remember if that was the right term or not. Thx for clearing that up! I'm thinking tomorrow will be the day- as I have no plans whatsoever, which frightens me. Being bored is a trigger... Right?

You can call it that ... alcoholics are nearly always their own worst enemy ... and being alone with our thoughts is about the worst possible scenario I could be in ... early in recovery is a bad time to spend any time alone, I needed to be in meetings to keep my 'thinker' on the right track ... that's why I went to so many meetings early on ...

You see, my 'thinker' was broken ... and until I got it half-a$$ed working, i was in danger ... for a day coming up like you described, I'd make no less than 3 meetings today, maybe more, if I were you ... just say'n, it depends on just how bad you want out of all the pain and misery ... the solution is basically laying at your feet ... and it won't cost you anything monetarily ... just the 'desire' to get well ... ... ...

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha EJH...we all had to start somewhere and someway and this post nudges my own experiences from where I came and then came into recovery. I had (and still do have) "issues"...character defects and defenses and still do have a home group, a sponsor, literature and so many of the other suggestions I got when I first surrendered to the program and a power much much greater than myself. At first my oppositional/defiant disorder kept everyone away, beyond arms length until being sick and tired of being sick and tired over came that habit of selective isolation. I finally accepted that if I didn't accept help from others who knew how to work the program I was done for guaranteed. I was told that when I stopped fighting it that it would start working for me. That is one guarantee I have found out in recovery. "It works when you work it" is how it can be said and watching others work it and getting what I wanted from it helped so very much.

The opposite of fear (for me) is love. Go to self love and the fear will diminish and recovery commence. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

2granddaughters · Senior Member

EJH13 wrote:
Hi, pythonpappy! No meeting yet. Just reading everyone's posts & trying to stay busy.

I meant... An alcoholic who has stopped drinking but not in a program.. I thought that was a 'dry drunk'...I couldn't remember if that was the right term or not. Thx for clearing that up! I'm thinking tomorrow will be the day- as I have no plans whatsoever, which frightens me. Being bored is a trigger... Right?

I didn't get "virtually" drunk and I know I could never get "virtually" sober. I need F2F meetings regularly.

Right now I'm between meetings .....

It's all right here, don't drink and go to meetings http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf

All the best.

Bob R

EJH13 · Member

Hey Guys, it's been awhile and I'm happy to say I'm still sober! That makes 52 days sober. Haven't been to regular meetings but I'm doing really well. My diet hasn't been as healthy as usual but I'm willing to bet I'm healthier without the drinking! The idea of never having even a glass of wine doesn't sit well with me BUT then I remember all the horrible mornings and lost friendships & it makes it so much easier. Last night I went to "happy hour" bc a friend wanted to meet there before some Xmas shopping - I was fine but I realized that I have a hard time telling ppl I have a problem with drinking. I lie and tell them I'm on anti biotics or "just not tonight"... That can't be good either. Any tips on how to explain to ppl my predicament? Do I even need to? I'm struggling with this question.

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Hi Erica,

Glad you're still sober. You raise something I haven't thought of for awhile. What it would be like never to drink again? Wow, goes to show The Program does work. I remember early on agonizing over that issue. I think that's where the One Day At A Time comes into play. Never seems impossible, but for Today is more reasonable. Then the Today adds up and becomes the new norm not to drink. Then you just don't think about it anymore. Amazing stuff for us!

When asked for a drink, I would just say no thank you. We don't have to complicate or defend our decisions. For me, today it doesn't matter that I tell folks that are close to me I'm a Recovering Alcoholic. You never know when you may be able to help someone with that statement. Most people say great, glad to hear it.

I would suggest Meetings, Sponsor, completion of The 12 Steps and a Higher Power. For me, without them, the above changes weren't possible.

Ironman · Senior Member

EJH13 wrote:
Hey Guys, it's been awhile and I'm happy to say I'm still sober! That makes 52 days sober. Haven't been to regular meetings but I'm doing really well. My diet hasn't been as healthy as usual but I'm willing to bet I'm healthier without the drinking! The idea of never having even a glass of wine doesn't sit well with me BUT then I remember all the horrible mornings and lost friendships & it makes it so much easier. Last night I went to "happy hour" bc a friend wanted to meet there before some Xmas shopping - I was fine but I realized that I have a hard time telling ppl I have a problem with drinking. I lie and tell them I'm on anti biotics or "just not tonight"... That can't be good either. Any tips on how to explain to ppl my predicament? Do I even need to? I'm struggling with this question.

Welcome. Part of the first step in the old timer book is complete "deflation". It's my opinion you need to get to a F2F meeting and quite frequently. The support you will receive is tremendous. I used to be embarrassed to go, think of what other would think of me. It's the most asinine though too because a new drunk going to hang out with drunks has ZERO Judgement. Believe it.

Good job on the 52 days, but one thing I know is that I could make it to 90-120 days without meetings but the day will approach that will test your abilities. Staying sober on your own power lasts only so long. I have seen dozens and dozens who try and get only so far. PLEASE PLEASE, swallow the pride and get connected to your local AA group. I promise that once you have a F2F sponsor, go to meetings and work the steps, you won't have any anxiety, fear etc.

Meetings, sponsor and working the steps helps this travelling salesperson, and if you go on the road with colleagues that drink, the situation will not bother you. I enjoy my Arnold Palmer's among drinkers at work events. The fun is just beginning my friend. You need not explain why you don't drink. Just say "I don't drink" if asked. If they press the issue say "I'm allergic". That's it.

I cannot stress how important it is to get connected to your local group. I have tried to do it the way you are doing it and I failed because I did not have a spiritual connection and I did not have face to face support. Good luck.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Great to hear from you EJ ... congrats on what I pray, is day 53 ... hope you reread the posts above ... A lot of wisdom here, think about it, and good luck ...

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

I agree with Ironman. If you want your sobriety to last, get to some meetings and start working the program.