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Post Info TOPIC: Standing on the burning deck


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Standing on the burning deck
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I remember my first time in an AA room. I was in a thirty day treatment program while my discharge from the Navy was being processed. We would go for outside meetings in the evenings shortly after dinner. I thought I didn't belong there, in my mind AA was for old drunkards who used to drink cheap corn liquor or for people who were homeless and had no where else to turn. To me it was all one big joke, I didn't take anything seriously, not school, not my parents, not my Naval career, not even myself for that matter. To me life was all one big joke. I never grew up or took responsibility for myself. I told myself the reason I was joining the Navy was to learn discipline. If a nineteen year old kid hasn't learned discipline by now then what the hell was the Navy going to do for me? Looking back I think the only reason I joined the Navy was to get away from my hometown so I could reinvent myself  so I could come back to my high school reunion to rub my success in everyone's face. I actually thought I was interesting to people, like somehow people where impressed by me.  It was all in my head. Those people have moved on with their life and I am the dumbass who fucked his entire life up. I deserve my present situation that I am in. I went back to drinking because I want to die. I could careless if i live one more day. I have no support. The AA meetings I use to go to no longer want me around. They tell me we have nothing for you please leave our meeting and don't come back. At the end of the day I am lying, manipulative, no good sorry ass poor excuse of a human being. No wonder my family hates me and I don't blame the people in the rooms they want recovery I don't I honestly feel like i am not worth saving. I continue to contemplate suicide at least when I do find the courage to finally do it. the world will be without one more selfish asshole god knows the world is full of em and I desire to reduce the asshole number by one. So If you AA's want to jump knee deep in my shit go for it, but at the end of the day you'll just be wasting your time. Since I don't care anymore. BITTER END HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!        



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www.youtube.com/watch

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MIP Old Timer

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I remember my first real A.A. meeting, way back in 1981. It was on the basement floor of some musty old church in Franklin Township New Jersey. The meeting itself was fine, but the atmosphere was less than perfect.

The old timers were a spirited bunch, I must say, even with their peculiar habits. They would say things like "get honest", "stick with the winners", and my all time favorite "take the cotton out of your ears and stick it in your mouth". It felt like my in-laws house on Christmas Eve, including their lack of etiquette. My first thought, how the heck does anyone get a word in edgewise?

Well, according to them, you don't. For the first ninety days I was to say nothing, and they meant it. They would actually go out of their way to make people feel uncomfortable. They even extended that sentiment further by planting sources in each individual meeting, just to see if a newcomer would open up their mouth. In fact, right after I shared my story, at another meeting, one of the old timers became extremely irate. He asked "did you share your story earlier in the week? I said, "of course I did". He responded "Who said you could do that? Not me. From now on you're going to shut your mouth and open up your ears, okay".

At first, I thought he was kidding, but after a couple of days it became clear, he wasn't. My first reaction; how embarrassing. I mean, talk about being humiliated. After that incident, I left A.A. altogether. Needless to say; I would not step foot in another meeting for over ten years, but the lesson I learned was never forgotten.

However, my confrontations did not end there. I would go a couple more rounds with the A.A. old timers over the next 20 years, usually with greater consequences. This trend of on again, off again sobriety would continue on for another 10 years, until my world came crashing in. After that, I had no choice but to surrender. It was a day I would never forget.

Now, I'm not saying everyone is perfect, not in the least, but to say to someone "you're not welcome" is beyond reasonable suspicion. It's something I have to question even in this day and age. You have to remember, were recovering alcoholics, not saints, and chances are we have a lot of things going on at any given time. So do not take it personally. If one meeting does not welcome you, for instance, you can always shift gears and try somewhere else. It may be a better alternative after all.   

The beauty of recovery programs is quite simple; there will always be some place to call home, and that includes online forums like M.I.P. It was something I learned back in 2001. That's when I became a 'productive' member of A.A. and not just some casual observer. I was beat up enough to give recovery an honest try and I haven't looked back since. I hope you do as well.

Oh, I completely forgot, welcome to M.I.P. It's a place where miracles do happen. I hope you're next in line.  Onward.  



-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 20th of September 2014 02:43:59 AM

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Mr.David


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Heeeeeee's baaaaaack...

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MIP Old Timer

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You wouldn't have posted if you didn't care. Find a meeting where you haven't been. Clean slate. Suicide is cowardly though, not courageous. Permanent solution to temporarily problems. The only really really bad thing you can do in AA is give up trying.

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MIP Old Timer

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Mr_David wrote:

...my first A.A. meeting back in 1981... in Franklin Township New Jersey. It was a meeting I would never forget.

The old timers, back then, were a spirited bunch to say the least, especially to us newcomers...

For the first ninety days I was to say nothing, and they meant it. They would actually have someone monitor each individual meeting just to see if a newcomer would open up their mouth. In fact, right after I shared my story, at another meeting, one of the old timers from my home group approached me and said "I heard you shared your story earlier this week. Who said you could do that? Not me. From now on you're going to shut your mouth and open up your ears, okay".

At first, I thought he was kidding, but after a couple of days I realized, he wasn't. I mean, talk about being humiliated. After that incident, I left A.A. altogether and never came back. I would not step foot in another meeting for over ten years....


AA at it's most unwelcoming...insensitive...unloving...abusive...dishonest...power tripping...

Culty.

Glad you made it anyway, David. You're fortunate to be alive.

 

 



-- Edited by Tanin on Wednesday 17th of September 2014 07:34:17 PM

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MIP Old Timer

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When I had been to a few meetings, I began to understand that alcoholism was a mental disorder, and really a symptom. I heard that my mind was not my friend and that my best thinking got me here. Many suggestions came after that. Like that I couldn't think my way to feeling better, I had to take action (the steps). Early on I thought AA as a bunch of brain washing, and I ask an old timer about that and he said "your brain could use some". I had to agree. I was out of control, reckless, sabotaging any success that I might have had, alienating everyone that knew me. I was not really wanted anywhere. Misterg, if you are fully ready to give up living, because it is unmanageable, why don't you consider just giving up your life style? What have you got to lose? Find a different meeting, or better yet go back to the old meeting and tell them that you're ready to surrender your old way of thinking and living and sincerely working a program of recovery. Give it an honest go for 6 months and if you don't think it was worthwhile, there's plenty of bridges to jump of off.

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