Did this all really happen? I'm certain we all have asked that. How was I so blind and uncaring at the same time? Dear God, will I start this all over again? What I'm thinking at this moment isn't a question it's simply- I am fortunate.
It gets old telling people my story and I know it's especially tiring to hear it because it's all the same really, so I won't go there. I'll just say this: If you still have a few people that care enough about you to still help you (and it isn't my family that's for sure), embrace them and take their aid, love them with whatever you have left. That's what the AA fellowship is for me, now more than ever. When there is nothing left (literally lost my last duffle of clothes when I got thrown off an airplane five days ago in a blackout), the hand of AA IS there, and for that I am grateful. They have given me shelter, clothes, food, and hope, yet again.
Hey Dodsworth....I'm sorry for what you are going through. It amazes me where alcohol can take us. I don't think being blind to it or uncaring has anything to do with it. We drink like we do because we are alcoholic. Something sets us apart. I see you have been a member here for awhile...I haven't read all your posts. I will say that that I have met some of the most incredible people in the fellowship of AA that I have met in my life. But it wasn't until I became willing to do what they did that anything changed for me. I went from living in the insanity of this disease to living in the solution. That's when things changed. Can I ask you what your experience is with the 12 steps? The solution they have to offer?
Sorry to hear of your struggles Dods. I've watched you come and go. I'd wish you stay, but I realize that's out of my control. I've always liked you. Probably, because you're a lot like me. I came and went for years. Needed every drop and every consequence to remove that reservation I had in my sub-conscious that I could drink and control it. The last bout did just that! It removed that reservation. The emotional pain I was feeling drove me to desparation and willingness to change. Drop my ideas and my will for new ideas and Gods will. I surrendered- Step 1 was now complete. This is particularly ironic, because I actually just completed Step 4. My experience showed me there was no lasting recovery until Step 1 was was done perfectly. No reservation what so ever. I did Step 5 that day after coming too. Yes, feeling the way you feel right now. I left my Sponsors house with the smallest amount of HOPE. That HOPE got me through the day and on to Step 6 etc...
You know where the solution is my friend. Prayers sent your way as you stand at the turning point.
Welcome back Adam, I'll bet it's nice to know that a few of us here know your story so you don't have to explain. It takes every drink, every year, every bump and bruise, and all the losses. It's the price of admission to the most expensive club in the world that only costs a buck, if you got one. John made great points in his "don't know what to call it" thread about the Grace of God and when it arrives. There's a reason you're still alive, you must have some pretty talented Angels. You've been in and around this program, in and out of rehabs, know fully the course of this program. With that said the three things that kept me from getting sober the 2 years that I struggled were the lack of Acceptance, Willingness, and a strong relationship with my Higher Power. When I was ready, I accepted that I couldn't drink safely and that I would never drink again. I had the willingness to do whatever I had heard others do to get and stay sober. And I prayed every morning on my knees for my Higher Power, who I chose to call God, to remove the obsession to drink and in my case, the obsession to use drugs. I did my 5th step with a Catholic Priest, who had 20 sobriety in our fellowship. When I stepped out of that Rectory that evening (it took to nights to complete), I walked over to the lake behind it, knelt down and cried for about 15 minutes. They were tears of joy, even after being sober this time for 6 months, that I might make it. I got up and I never had a desire to drink or take a drug again. That was January of '90. There was no way that I could have relieved my obsessions on my own. You know what to do, get-r-done, and stick close to the board and let us get to know you and how you're doing.
Stepchild- I have had several sponsors in the last six years and I've gone up through step 8. First time I reached step 9 I just freaked out and got drunk. Fast forward four years: two months ago I was in treatment in Florida and got up to step 9 again. This time I was coming off a horrible 9 month run and I was really wanting to start making amends but most of my amends are in Indiana where I'm from. So, I wanted to leave and the director obliged me by kicking me out after 40 days because of my "attitude". Still don't know why honestly. It's a long story but needless to say the only person who would help me stay off the streets of Tampa was a friend who is also an alcoholic. So I spent three weeks drinking with him like it was the end of the world. I reached out to some AAers in Los Angeles and that's how I got another chance. I've experienced some profound serenity through the program but that was about five years ago. I have no problem praying, doing the work, i find that people terrify me though and pretty much everything else. That's my challenge right now it seems- having real relationships with other people.
Great to see old friends!- Dean, pinkchip, MikeB
-- Edited by Dodsworth on Friday 19th of September 2014 12:08:19 AM
-- Edited by Dodsworth on Friday 19th of September 2014 01:26:15 AM
Dodsworth...welcome back to the board and it kinda sorta seems that you and I and a sponsee of mine were wandering around in the same jungle looking for the clearing where the trees disappear and some vista can be seen. He had transported his now near terminal alcoholic mother to another island for detox and some rehab and got caught up in the chaos of screwed up administrations who after approving her intake canceled it leaving him unable to catch a flight home and her a place for respite. She is so late stage that she needs constant attention in order to exist...He called me to see if I could forward him some money so he and her could get back home where things were more insync and recognizable and I had to refuse because I had just dipped into emergency funds to bail myself out of jail. I should not have been there and was and so what he and I learned in speaking together when we got together was there still wasn't any excuse to drink. He repeated it first before I told him my side of the picture. He got back home because of the generosity of strangers to the tune of about $200.00 while he had already spent 8 days with his totally reliant mother on the street or outside of weird shelters. For me my civil and human rights were taken from me and I had to have help getting bail from a person who doesn't have the same compassion as he had and yet I still was supported. There was no justification to drink over it and that attitude and mind set and practice made alcohol the very last and remote consideration for us both. Course we have been practicing for a while...sponsee has just turned two and I've got a bit more and still have the compulsion which didn't knock on the door "this time". Thank you God. Just a picture fill is that he wasn't expecting to stay there but more than a couple of hours and so he took only shorts and a tank top with one spare the whole time and no cell phone charger which made contact impossible most of the time. We had to triangulate with HP passing messages which worked. New experiences without needing to drink over them.
I'm glad you reached out to the fellowship and re-experienced the love and compassion which we also have within us...give that away now to others. You have to reach the 12th step to do that and then my sponsorship reminded we as I was taking this journey that "You'll never know if this program works unless you give it away to someone else and watch them work it".
Consider this program view which I learned about fear. I understand being a slave to it as I was that way when I entered the program. "The opposite of fear is love and love cannot exist in the presence of fear. They are diametrically opposed and will not exist in the same place at the same time. The practice is (for me) giving the program away to others. I can only do that in the presence of love and when I am fearful I don't give a shit and loose a bunch of recovery. When that happens I can hear the disease laugh even though there is no justification for me to drink.
Welcome back to the board. Let us know how tomorrow comes around.
Jerry- that's a helluva story. it is amazing how we wander through the chaos and find helping hands when it seems hopeless. My head has been less damning the last couple days. I've been praying for willingness as opposed to "Thy will not mine be done", because I seem to have this ingrained defiance to the idea of "his will". My brother called me yesterday from rehab so that helps me focus on gratitude instead of the little outcomes I tend to obsess about in my own little life. Willingness and gratitude are what I'm striving for lately.
For me, it helps to view it in broad spiritual context. For me, it is not necessarily some sentient being's will for me as if they/he/she/it has a script for me and I am supposed to remain blind and go along with the prewritten script rather than have any part in the course of my life. I take it to mean faith in broad things. "His will" means that I am basically meant to go through what I am meant to go through. Obstacles will happen and it is not my place to be so challenging or defiant when they do. Now - I am more inclined to ask "what's the lesson in this for me?" whereas before I would decide I was getting crapped on and drink over it.
So..."His will" to me only means acceptance of life on life's terms, being able to not react and self-sabotage whenever something I don't understand or can't figure out happens. I'm not huge into believing everything is predetermined - For me, some of "his will" may include me doing nothing, me not over reacting...whatever. It's not like some play of my life that God is holding and I'm supposed to memorize my lines and stick to the script. I would be defiant of that too if I viewed that way.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Your post above is a good example of what I just posted on a different thread ... if we chose to leave the program behind, we can have our 'misery and pain' refunded 'ten-fold' ... I know when I did, that's exactly what I got, and your post above really speaks volumes regarding that saying ...
When I did finally make it back, I came back with a whole new attitude toward recovery, and with a 'wide-open' mind ... yeah, step 9 was a bit*h ... but when I managed to 'just get'r done', I felt 'high' on life ... everything else fell right into place ... my entire life changed and I found that making amends wasn't as hard to do as my mind had made it out to be ... don't listen to the voices in your head, just let your sponsor coach you through it ...
Really glad you're here ... God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
John made great points in his "don't know what to call it" thread about the Grace of God and when it arrives. There's a reason you're still alive, you must have some pretty talented Angels. You've been in and around this program, in and out of rehabs, know fully the course of this program. With that said the three things that kept me from getting sober the 2 years that I struggled were the lack of Acceptance, Willingness, and a strong relationship with my Higher Power. When I was ready, I accepted that I couldn't drink safely and that I would never drink again. I had the willingness to do whatever I had heard others do to get and stay sober. And I prayed every morning on my knees for my Higher Power, who I chose to call God, to remove the obsession to drink and in my case, the obsession to use drugs. I did my 5th step with a Catholic Priest, who had 20 sobriety in our fellowship. When I stepped out of that Rectory that evening (it took to nights to complete), I walked over to the lake behind it, knelt down and cried for about 15 minutes. They were tears of joy, even after being sober this time for 6 months, that I might make it. I got up and I never had a desire to drink or take a drug again. That was January of '90. There was no way that I could have relieved my obsessions on my own. You know what to do, get-r-done, and stick close to the board and let us get to know you and how you're doing.
