Okay, I have this situation. I talked with one alcoholic, who is in difficult period and I feel that I can't help him with anything. But I asked another alcoholic to help him and he told me that this is not only stupid, but it is offended. (my asking) And he told me never to ask him such things again and alone to give answer to myself why. I have resentment now
But really I feel like I can't give myself answer why I shouldn't ask someone to help other person if he has opportunity to do it. I mean if someone come to me and ask me to help other person, I would do it, why not. If It is possible. I can't find my mistake, but I need to, so I am asking for other points of view.
MOH, it's hard to answer that without knowing more of the details. It depends on if the thing you asked was "boundary crossing" in some way. For example, if my rich friend lost his high paying job, am I going to ask my poor friend to help him out with some money? Perhaps the 2 people have some beef with each other you aren't aware of but that the "offended" person just assumes everyone knows.
More likely, the "offended" person thinks that the other person isn't helping themselves or is doing something wrong or bad and that "helping" them would be enabling.
I try to not ask for money or favors in AA. Yes, it's good to ask for help in the form of guidance, but anything other than that...It's up to the other person to give it. Hence, asking for another person...it deprives the person who needs help from having to humble themselves and ask and it deprives the "giver" from the opportunity of seeing the need on their own and giving free of conscience.
It could also be a situation where it's like you volunteered the "offended" person to help the other person. Kind of like "Well, this guy needed rides to meetings and I know he lives near you and you have a car so I told him maybe you could pick him up for meetings?" That would piss me off. It's not up to other people to decide how and when I help folks.
So again - depends on what you asked, how much you asked for, and the back story with the other people.
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You have received a response similar to what I was thinking when I read your post. As far as the resentment goes this is what I do which is suggested in the Big Book and has worked wonders for me.....When I get a resentment I have to recognize it as such (as you have) I know that it can have so much power over me and effect my mood, my day, my week (if I let it continue) that I have to do my best to get rid of it as quickly as possible. I write it down or if I don't have a pen and paper near me, I pray to my HP to please remove that resentment from me. I also try and recognize any emotions I am feeling as a result of that resentment (such as anger, fear, holding a grudge, etc.) and ask for their removal as well. If I think I was in the wrong and caused any pain toward another, I also make amends face-to-face if possible, toward that person. If I am not sure if I caused harm to someone else by my actions, I pray to my HP to give me wisdom to know.
You would have to be a lot more specific about what you meant by "a difficult period", explain why you think you can't help this person, why you specifically asked for help from the other person you asked, out of all the possible choices, and exactly what kind of help you were asking the person to provide. The way the comment is written is much too general for me to know anything about what is happening.
Help only with talking, not money, not cars, not houses, only with talking. I did my inventory, so I saw my mistakes. Everything is good. I just made a mistake.
Well, yes, it's getting easier for me to say that I make mistakes and it is not so scary. Rule 62 tells me to not take myself too seriously. And 10th Step tells me that when I am wrong promptly admit it. And the word when is really important word. Because the Step tells me not "if I am wrong", but "when I am wrong" which means that in the present and in the future I surely will be wrong. And I don't care about it, because I am in entirely new way of life and I don't know how to live. The Program tells me how to live and how not to die when I am wrong. Because before I've always died when I made some kind of mistakes and now I can live with my mistakes and to learn from them.
That's a tough one, even for me. It reminds me of a conversation I had with my first sponsor just before he died. It centered around the A.A. fellowship as a whole and how lucky we are to be alive. Needless to say, it never really materialized like I thought it would. It did, however, get my attention.
The frustrating scenario, described here, is something that plays out every single day. It's nothing new, really, including the lukewarm response mentioned earlier. The truth is, there will always be someone in A.A. whose actions defy conventional logic. It's a part of the fellowship that will never change, despite our success. The only way to deal with these scenarios is to become advocates for change, ourselves. Maybe then, we can move mountains or in this case, attitudes. Just maybe.
I understand your frustrations, though, I really do. You must feel deflated, maybe even angry, and your frustrations are duly noted. However, the scenario, described here, is not just a personal problem, but a universal one as well. It's just part of the ongoing struggles we face everyday. In most cases, all we can do is pray. It's an option we may want to consider the next time around. If you're not comfortable with prayer, or the concept of a higher power, you can always seek advice from a reliable source. It may be the best option overall, who knows.
There is something I do know, despite the ongoing cynicism, and it has to do with the good of A.A. and not just certain individuals. When someone asks for help, the hand of A.A. should always be there for them. It's part of A.A. folklore that should never change. In most case, however, the responses are just as baffling as the questions themselves. It's one of the reasons why people fail, not to mention their annoying counterparts. So we must practice acceptance everyday.
Let's face it, though; there's nothing more annoying than a person who remains completely oblivious despite having years of continuous sobriety. It's a part of recovery that frustrates me to no end. There will always be a difference of opinion where ever we go, that part will never change. The real test, however, is how we respond to such adversity. If someone is not happy with a certain individual, for example, they can always seek guidance form a senior member of A.A. -without mentioning the particulars involved. If that does not work, you can always consult a professional who deals with these scenarios. It may be the only way to quell this debate or any other. I hope this helps.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 6th of September 2014 11:31:26 PM
