I feel something so right doing the wrong thing. I feel something so wrong doing the right thing. This is how it went for me when I first started tackling my defects. I did not know any other way, giving into them my whole life. So doing the next right thing was uncomfortable and unnerving. Faced with the fear of change I had to face that fear with God at my side if I was going to obtain any emotional sobriety. Soon doing the next right thing by asking God to remove my short comings and not acting on a few and seeing the results of not creating more problems felt pretty damn good. Also I realized I can live without them and won't be unsatisfied. Someone said at a my meeting today that scientific evidence shows meditation produced more brain mater. I was chuckling inside. I was like I have enough brain to deal with why do I want more. My sponser says a mind is a terrible thing to waste and we alcoholics waste none of it.
The part of the book that discusses working on character defects is called "into action" for a reason. I like that you describe more than just praying to have the defects removed but actually ACTING differently even though it went against the grain. My sponsor had me find a new way to drive to work every single day as part of step 6. It was only an exercise in willingness to show there are different ways of getting where I want and what I need and I have to be willing to drop my old ways and get creative finding new ways.
It is nice to finally be a person that doesn't automatically jump into chaotic situations or one that causes them. Years of living in chaos due to drinking, and also years of putting up with chaotic relationships (partially due to our drinking, but also because people who stick by a drunk are usually not well either) will have you gravitating towards chaos and BS thinking it's normal. Now - if you see a giant turd laying in your path, you can just simply walk around it and avoid getting messy and smelling like poop LOL!
Good work Enigma!
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
As a drunk I ran on feelings more than on common sense. I had this knack for turning the irrational into feeling rational.
For instance, people would say that getting drunk before a job interview was irrational, but it sure did feel rational. I thought, to calm my nerves, but ended up slurring and smelling like a brewery.
As a practicing alcoholic I would twist all my beliefs, philosophies, ethics, etc to support my drinking. As a sober person, I had to realign all those things to support sobriety. It took me many years.
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"... unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of recovery." Dr. Silkworth. (Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Ed. p.xxix)
I'm currently facing the reality that most of my defects are traits that I always thought of as assets that have repeatedly gotten me into a mess. Step Six in 12&12 talks about how alcoholics can do that - turning greed into 'ambition', for example. For the bulk of my life I prided myself on being fiercely independent and rejecting help, on being original and going against the grain (or so I thought, until I met a hundred people like me in the rooms), on being playful and mischievous, and on trying to be so smart that I would try to outthink everything presented to me. And I'm actually not struggling to let those traits go because it's very apparent to me now that they were totally egomaniacal and the cause of so much suffering. After a lifetime of futilely using these defects to try and find happiness, I'm learning quickly that I want to let go and surrender, I want to be surrounded by people and accept help, I want to find commonalities with others, and I want to honor and learn from those with more wisdom and intelligence than I have. Just where I'm at personally.
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
Spot on, Adam. There are many 'characteristics' that were once very important 'alcoholic survival skills' when we were out there drinking, like being able to tell a lie convincingly, which now simply no longer serve us because we are basing our lives on a very different set of principles now that we are sober. The inventory process allows us to recognize them for what they are, examine them objectively, and, with the help of something greater than our own alcoholic self-will, discard those that don't serve any purpose in this new way of life.
