So, I was thinking about alcohol this morning (ha). As my mind started wandering toward the idea of spiritual growth, I thought about how one of our basic human needs is connection. We are happy when we feel connected to friends, we are happy when we feel connected to loved ones, we are happy when we feel connected to society, and we are happy when we feel connected to a power greater than ourselves. I think we feel happy because when we are connected, we feel like we matter. We feel listened to and important, and validated in our lives as human beings. When we feel like we matter to the world around us, we thrive.
This morning it really hit me that alcohol is like solitary confinement for the soul. At least, for me it was. Hungrily consuming those beers meant slipping away from everyone and everything around me, and burrowing deep inside my head until I was totally alone. Sure, I could be outwardly animated, but it was almost like a false otherself was doing the entertaining while the real me was numb and silent inside. It was the real me that would wake up in the middle of the night feeling alone, pace around my house alone, and spend the following day alone in my shameful thoughts. I didnt dare pray because I felt like I was letting down God. I certainly wasnt going to share my thoughts with my friends and co-workers. I was alone, and where I was in a state of crisis, I felt like I didnt matter.
Beginning the process of getting sober has made me feel more connected than I have in a very long time. I am being open with people in my home group about the alcoholic bullshit that creeps up in my head. I can be much more candid and open with my friends and co-workers because Im no longer hiding what I do at night. I am spending quality time with my partner. And Im feeling connected to HP because I'm not ashamed. All good things, and all thanks to the program.
-Adam
-- Edited by AdamMoz on Thursday 14th of August 2014 08:39:33 PM
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
So, I was thinking about alcohol this morning (ha). As my mind started wandering toward the idea of spiritual growth, I thought about how one of our basic human needs is connection. We are happy when we feel connected to friends, we are happy when we feel connected to loved ones, we are happy when we feel connected to society, and we are happy when we feel connected to a power greater than ourselves. I think we feel happy because when we are connected, we feel like we matter. We feel listened to and important, and validated in our lives as human beings. When we feel like we matter to the world around us, we thrive.
I very much like what you've shared in this post of yours. I even very much like the part I am going to appear to disagree with...because I'm really not disagreeing, just redefining being human. When I am connected, I feel validated in my life as a spiritual being. If we are, in fact, spiritual beings having a human experience, then we're really not saying anything different. As a human, I feel disconnected...ego separates us. But transcending ego, we connect.
Another great topic Adam ... I can REALLY identify with this ... I also agree with Stepdude's "I've also heard it said that alcoholics are the only people that cure loneliness with isolation....I had to ponder that for a bit." ... My bottle was all the 'company' I ever wanted ... everything and everyone else was a distraction, and I hated getting distracted from my drink'n ... (Hellofa way to live ... thanks to God and AA for saving my butt)
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I was thinking about it the same way as Angell. Until I stop looking for outside validation - comparing - etc and begin to 'look up to the heavens' or 'within' or 'To a higher power' (what ever wording fits-suits your religion/delusion/allusion)- I am able to find true peace.
I have thought a lot about why someone then would even bother posting to a message board, or facebook or other virtual social world - or talk in any way - to any one. I guess some religions actually practice 'silence'. But I am NOT there yet lol.
One thing that has helped me to 'show up for me where I'm at' and feel human connection but also spiritually connected has been to consider that everything I say - I am listening to. So keeping it about me, and for me and HP. Others will just automatically benefit as a byproduct (or not - but they will always learn something - even if it's how they don't want to be). It is not effective for me to stay spiritually fit if it is FOR anyone but me. Cuz I attach stuff to it otherwise. And when I do that - I am not free from the bondage of self.
If I go into it with the premise that it is for me (and between a HP and I - working for God - or again, however you'd like to word it) then I know that my intentions are not connected to any sort of outcome, result or expectation. A need for the outcome of outside validation for example, can be as debilitating as being drunk and spiral me into spiritual bankruptcy or what some coin 'dry drunk'. Maybe something that Robin Williams was still 'sick' with though sober.
An outcome of wanting people to like me - vs. - considering or implementing/living the principle 'what others think of me is none of my business' in my life - can lead me to spiritual bankruptcy too. Because while I engage in the character flaw or need for this - I steal the opportunity from myself to be seeking God's will and love. The more I blanket outside validation, affirmation or a need to be needed outwardly - I squander the spiritual connection with HP - seeking that true love and power - I could use to build my spirituality. When I squander it with these motives - I am diminishing my usefulness to a HP and my entire human family.
To me - being 'sober' doesn't just imply 'not drinking'. It means self responsible. And allowing others to be the same. That way - people just get to be who they are, FREE to be themselves without my need for them to be anything else. If I can offer myself that grace, the way God would - Love myself the way God would - I naturally offer that freedom & love to everyone else.
I think of how great it feels to emotionally 'safe' and secure in the arms of unconditional love and acceptance from a higher power - and having human connection is just the cherry on top the cake. It is a privilege and an honor ---- not a need or a demand or something to fill the void that alcohol once did. HP does all that... so all of the power is in His hands - and not outside or human things. When I am tapping into that power - I am truly useful and in conscious contact - or in sync to the Higher powers.
So ya - it's the little things. Love you Adam. Congrats on 30 days.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Friday 15th of August 2014 05:17:47 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
It is not effective for me to stay spiritually fit if it is FOR anyone but me.
To me - being 'sober' doesn't just imply 'not drinking'. It means self responsible.
I guess another way you could look at that....Is this whole program is about carrying the message and what can we do for the man who is still sick. Staying spiritually fit gives me my daily reprieve...Without that....You can't help anybody.
That's cool Stepchild :) Your HP will place you where she needs you - and I'm not it. It is a pleasure walking the journey beside you anyway - even if we can't see or hear each other clearly - yet.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Awesome thoughts, Tasha. It's a sort of funny paradox, really. In my less-than-finer moments, I have sought validation with a vengeance and gone to any length to get it. Lying, making fun of people, and being the center of attention were certainly part of it. But it wasn't about really making connections. For me, it was about needing to feel superior or special, or at best trying to assure myself that I wasn't a horrible person despite all of my insecurities. Yet, doing all those things made me a worse person that I would have been had I been able to come to a place where I could act genuine without an anticipated outcome. I still struggle with that here and in meetings, because I'm not used to being authentic. I think you're right about making the focus about embracing who we are and our relationship with our higher power. I'm paraphrasing, but I think that's what you were getting at. Anyways, as always, I enjoy reading your insights.
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
Excellent share Tasha ... to me, it shows a very deep maturity that's hard to come by ... and I think the last year or so has even made you stronger in sobriety ... many would have given up and gone back to drink'n, but not you, you saw it as an opportunity for growth ... you are teaching by example, the strongest tool in your bag ... and for that, i am thankful and grateful ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Your HP will place you where she needs you - and I'm not it. It is a pleasure walking the journey beside you anyway - even if we can't see or hear each other clearly - yet.