I'm sure that the people with experience in your Alanon groups will confirm for you that this is not the behavior of someone who is actually living the principles of the twelve steps of AA as a program for recovery. He may be going to meetings, but that is not the same thing as living by the principles of the 12 steps. What does your Alanon sponsor have to say about this situation?
"They are restless, irritable and discontented ... " Doc's opinion pxxviii
"We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control out emotional natures, we were prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people..." We agnostics p.52
Many years ago I was sent to a rehab and was abstinent for two years. During that time I did not go to AA, or do anything towards recovery. I was a dry drunk.
I was restless, irritable, and discontent. My life was full of irrational emotions and behaviors.
Since then I have heard this description of a dry drunk, 'when you take the alcohol out of a fruitcake, you still have a fruitcake'.
__________________
"... unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of recovery." Dr. Silkworth. (Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Ed. p.xxix)
"They are restless, irritable and discontented ... " Doc's opinion pxxviii
"We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control out emotional natures, we were prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people..." We agnostics p.52
That covers it....And untreated alcoholic with an unmanaged life. Lean on your HP and your Alanon support and take care of yourself first. Do what is best for you and your life with God's help. God gave us brains to use. If he's going to AA to chase women.....He won't be getting better any time soon.
Miranda - you know this isn't normal for AA. It may be normal for a midlife crisis though and he started going to AA and that put him into contact with needy females....BAM....there you have it. Please don't blame AA for the person not working it correctly though and having their midlife crisis in it instead of actual recovery.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I have a question- do dry drunks have a harder time facing themselves in emotional recovery? Not any harder than any other Alcoholic. We all have to face the issues(short-comings) which led us to drinking and unmanagability of life.
BB- Pg 25
Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it.
I agree with the others here from my experience. There's a difference between going to AA meetings and working The 12 Steps of AA. AA is a 12 Step Program. Meetings are a supplements to the 12 Step Program. As Alcoholics, we need to have a Spiritual Awakening(psychic change) in order to change. Old thinking/ideas cast aside for new ones. Once the thinking/ideas change, the behavoirs follow.
BB- doctor opinion:
unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery. On the other hand-and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand-once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able...
Like I would suggest to another brother or sister in AA, I would suggest to you. Continue to work on YOU and The Program of Alanon. Throw The Program at this issue. Work with your Sponsor and your HP and the answers will come.
Thank you all for your input. Yes i do go to alanon and do have a sponsor. I also
Talk a lot on the mip alanon board now, but really needed AA people thoughts. I am
working On myself and working my program and am growing. My dry ah has become very
emotionally and verbally abuse toward me. I am glad to be living separate from him
But was just looking for some answers and help with my questions. I plan to move
On get my own little apt when we settle the financials. I am just in a lot of pain,hurt
And anger. And i cant seem to get my head around all of this.
I'm very sorry for you....But unless we get better....Through the action of the 12 steps....That's what we do. I don't think I can describe it to you better than this...
The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, "Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?"
BB pg 82
You take care of yourself first...And maybe help someone down the road going through what you are now. There will be plenty.
I have a question do dry drunk have a harder time facing themselves
in emotional recovery? He has been dry for 30 years and has been
attending aa for 3 years. He started emotional sobriety, it was
a h*** of a ride. What spewing of abuse and blame toward me not
facing himself and his demons. he does not have a sponsor that i
know of. He likes to chase needy female a's Now. Is this all normal
behavior? Now he wants a divorce. I go to alanon, i thought you
are suppose to work on yourself and hopefully repair your marriage
not destroy it. He has been emotionally and verbally abusive toward
me especially since starting AA. All these nasty emotions keep coming
out.
I just wanted to chime in and say that AA is not causing you husband to be this way, quite the opposite, AA's program offers a 'spiritual solution' to all our problems ... it appears your husband has either stopped working the program or never fully commit-ed himself to it ...
As far as saving a marriage ... AA offers us the 'tools' which which to live a loving, productive life ... we have but to reach down and pick up those tools laid at our feet ... perhaps your husband has some of those tools locked away ... sounds like he's trying to work the AA program 'his way' ...
I'm not trying to be judgmental of your husband, but when an alcoholic leaves the booze behind, a great big 'vacuum' occurs ... something has to fill it ... successful AA'ers fill that void with the spiritual recovery program and the service that follows keeps us spiritually and emotionally fit ... (and I DON'T mean men helping newcomer females to get to the meat of the program either) ... the program helps us to become 'morally fit' as well ...
My thoughts are that a 'dry drunk' will deny he has a problem just as an alcoholic may do ...
Please don't think ill of AA because someone close to you doesn't get it or live it ... the promises that are in the AA Big Book are granted to only those who are serious and diligent about their recovery ...
God Bless,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thank you all for your insights. I love alanon and all its tools
It has helped me tremendously dealing with all this turmoil. I
Thought i knew this man but he does not appear to want me
in his life anymore and eventually i will be very thankful for
That. We then can each move on to a better happier life. I
Am trying to work on acceptance,surrender and forgiveness.
And they are biggies for me right now.
So right step child. i am very willing to hand them over just Has not happened yet. I have felt my hp with me before but i did not Listen very well to what he had to tell/show me With my ah.
-- Edited by Mirandac on Thursday 14th of August 2014 05:22:53 PM
Mirandac. That is not recovery and not AA. The alcoholic will do what the alcoholic does. That's the insanity of it. He has to want to change. He doesn't want to grow up he's a Toys R Us Kid. Can't fix or cure him. You can only save yourself and do what's right for you. Get off the roller coaster if it's making u sick. I know it's easier said then done. Detatch and dive into alanon. Keep your chin up. It will work out better than u ever expected.
You stated: " Thought i knew this man but he does not appear to want me in his life anymore and eventually i will be very thankful for That."
That was my experience. God sometimes adds to our life by subtraction. He has to remove things in our life that aren't working to create space for new and better things(people included). Sounds like he's doing for you, what you can't do for yourself right now.
I was given this quote while I went through the same situation your in: " God often removes a person from your life for your protection. Think about that before you go running after them."
I understand and feel the confusion, frustration and hurt you are experiencing. Alcoholism is not a drinking disorder, if that were so then all would be well once we stop the drink but your seeing the results of just stopping the booze. Unfortunately the solution to the problem is outside your means, however if you continue with your own recovery...in time, the answers you need WILL come.
-- Edited by Robert Chavez on Saturday 16th of August 2014 08:26:40 AM
