I am sober quite a long time and been thru the steps. I am in an emotionally abusive/controlling relationship with my live-in BF. If I had the $ I would have gotten out A few years ago when I realized what was really going on. I can't go to a DV shelter because there's no police record or children involved. I already looked into it.
I am also smoking cigs and drinking coffee and using psych meds to get relief for how frustrated I am at my intolerable situation.
I'm very very exhausted, I was told it's from being controlled and carrying someone else's baggage. but I wonder if I lean on god and try to stop smoking etc, could that alleviate my exhaustion so I could work, then get out? Or is that putting the cart before the horse.
I am afraid to be homeless But if I have to do it I guess I'll have to.
Also I have re-traumatized myself several times so I don't know if just getting out of this current mess will get me the rest I need.
any advice would be welcome. Thank you.
-- Edited by MakingWaves on Thursday 31st of July 2014 08:44:41 AM
This is just my opinon...You can take it as that. But this sounds like a situation that you should get out of....At any cost. You say you have worked the steps...If that's the case...You should already be leaning on God. We made that decision in step three.
I have a couple questions for you....
Are you attending meetings right now?...Staying connected with AA?
Do you have a sponsor or people that you are close with in AA?
Hi MW, ... I don't know how much 'sober time' you have, but I do know others in similar situations in our AA groups that have attended several different group meetings around the area and made it a practice to go at least a 1/2 hour before the meeting and stay at least a 1/2 hour after the meeting in order to get to know other members personally ... when this was done, they would then start spreading the word of their own situation and seek out someone they knew, in AA, for possible sharing a room or house or apartment rent with ... I have known some to move out of abusive relationships and get free to 'move on' in just this way ...
This can be tricky, so it is advisable to try and find someone with a solid sobriety foundation before you make the move ... I really suggest in this case, that women stay with women and men with men so as not to encourage a romantic relationship until you are well past(over) your current one ...
And YES ... "Lean on God" IS your first order of business before making any changes ... it works for many, many of us ... ... ...
Love Ya and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
That's kind of where I was heading Pappy...One thing I have learned about AA....When we become "a part of" AA.....Good things tend to happen. Alcoholics helping other alcoholics. That's what it's all about.
I applied for housing a few years ago and at my age, I prefer to just go to a shelter so my housing will come in (probably within 4-6 months.) I don't know how bad shelters for women are.
I might have to go through a tough time for a while but I will be free from him so it might lift some of the exhaustion.
But since I have trauma from other events also, I don't know if I can get well even then. That is my question, is will getting away from him really help the exhaustion that I believe comes from the trauma/codependency. Or maybe I'm so screwed up from other traumas I'll never heal and might as well stay here.
Or, I could just try to stop smoking and drinking coffee, maybe I'll sleep then and can get a job
You're not too connected to AA right now...Correct. I don't know how much time you have either. I'm still fairly new to this myself. But I was given some advice from a good childhood friend that got into AA 20 years before I did. He told me when he got to about the 8 year mark.....He started drifting away from AA....Stopped going to meetings.....Got disconnected. He said he didn't drink....Almost. But that his life was miserable....It was as if he were living like a "dry drunk".
He told me....Don't ever make make that mistake....Ever. He ended up reconnecting...And celebrates 26 years happy, joyous and free this year. I took that to heart.
You say...
I don't know how bad shelters for women are.
I'm guessing they can't be much worse than what you are going through right now.
My simple suggestion would be this. Trust God and get reconnected.....I think I'd do that with a meeting today.
-- Edited by Stepchild on Thursday 31st of July 2014 10:22:46 AM
Again, I have no clue as to your 'sober time' ... from the sounds of it, you have not completed the 12 steps ... (where are you currently in working the AA steps ???) ... the reason I ask, is if you have completed the steps, you should be well prepared for any life challenges now and to come ...
You should know that any 'exhausting' mental situations are there only if we allow them to be ... stopping smoking would certainly be of help ... the coffee ??? , in moderation should be okay ... and I still say, that a good relationship built in AA with another member would offer you a better choice in 'housing' than any shelter could ... because it would give you a much less stressful environment than you would otherwise have ... regardless of your age ...
For sure, start turning things over to God and trust that you're in good hands, as long as you communicate with Him/Her on a daily and nightly basis ...
Love Ya and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
and I still say, that a good relationship built in AA with another member would offer you a better choice in 'housing' than any shelter could ... because it would give you a much less stressful environment than you would otherwise have ... regardless of your age ...
I totally agree with this...It's kind of funny Pappy...Maybe you feel the same way. But somehow since I've become a part of AA...God has put the right people...At the right time.....Right in front of me. And all I had to do was show up.
Thank you both.
It might be that I need to simply "let go", trust God more, that I am in His hands, stop thinking about myself and my sh*tty situation and start giving away what I have in AA more. Maybe that is my way out.
I can't see what it might look like, then again that is what trust like.
Most people would say "get out!" But God works in ways we can never understand for each of us,
I can explore the shelter thing still with the local social worker but my focus needs to be a spiritual one.
At this point I probably need to start creating the fellowship I crave. You might be right.
We have choices and we can explore the options, trying different things.
Also I do have to try to cut down at least, on the chemicals, so I can get to more meetings and be more relaxed.
This way out is so hard, but God must know I can handle it, I'm still alive
Ok. So I just got of the phone with my sponsor. I have spoken with her about this before and she got sort of very serious today.
She said how can you show up for life when your self-esteem is being constantly robbed from you so you're exhausted?
She said we cannot compartmentalize ourselves, and the soul can not be divided.
She says that the human psyche cannot overcome the truth and she is tired of wTching me look more and more beaten down with health problems etc, and the exhaustion is a warning sign that abuse is occurring and a change needs to be made. She believes that even though it will suck, I need to just go to a shelter.
MakingWaves, glad you're here. I don't know where you're located, but there may be agencies or non-profits that can help with your situation. If you want some help finding resources please feel free to send me a private message and I will help.
Hi Making Waves....
I really am not a therapist and don't have any of the qualifications to advise you what choices you need to make as far as ending a relationship, moving, etc. And although it sounds like you have a very caring sponsor, I don't think sponsors should give advice of that nature. Is she offering to put a roof over your head???? I will include you in my daily prayers and I hope that you will find the answers you are so desperately searching for and that you will find the peace in your heart and be comforted and guided knowing that your Higher Power is watching over you and taking care of you if you seek Him and ask Him for His help and guidance.
and I still say, that a good relationship built in AA with another member would offer you a better choice in 'housing' than any shelter could ... because it would give you a much less stressful environment than you would otherwise have ... regardless of your age ...
I totally agree with this...It's kind of funny Pappy...Maybe you feel the same way. But somehow since I've become a part of AA...God has put the right people...At the right time.....Right in front of me. And all I had to do was show up.
Ha! ... "And all I had to do is show up." ... very true Stepman ... but I would add that I would have to show up wearing a 'new' pair of glasses i.e. a new 'perspective' and an 'open mind' ... ... ... there are all kinds of options once we expand our minds thru sobriety ... it's amazing what we see when we are not looking through a fog of alcohol ...
For me today, if I find myself in a predicament, I pray first, make a decision, then follow it with action ... Faith, Hope, and Love (God) solve a great many problems for a great many people ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I have no personal experience with this type of abuse, so I can't really help. As a nurse I did have a little professional education in it, but still not enough to matter. It sounds like you are taking steps in the right direction though. And I can comment on putting yourself in the stream of God's goodness and how that tends to help all things go better. AA is a part of that.
After talking with social worker today it seems Pappy has a point. She also said a shelter work be very stressful.
I don't know what to do, except get to a meeting tonight.
This isn't the kind of thing I can advertise in AA or even want anyone to know about though. There's too much judging and gossiping. I might find a good small safe-feeling meeting though of women and say a little something.
I think that's a great start. You don't have to lay everything out on a plate tonight. Start building a network of some women you can trust. Women that are living this program. You'll know who they are. Have faith in your HP....I think good things will happen for you. Sending you prayers in support.
I think that's a great start. You don't have to lay everything out on a plate tonight. Start building a network of some women you can trust. Women that are living this program. You'll know who they are. Have faith in your HP....I think good things will happen for you. Sending you prayers in support.
This is where I was going with my 'train of thought' Stepman ... build a network first, then ease into the fact that you're in a tough spot and need help ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
