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Post Info TOPIC: Had to fire a sponcer.


Veteran Member

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Had to fire a sponcer.
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So my sponcer told a guy I had a week long crush on about it. the crush had long been over which makes it even worse. The guy face booked me a hello message the night she told him. I just ignored it And sent a smiley face back. 

The reason I fired het was because she flipped out that i told her a half hour before the meeting I couldn't make it. I had spent the whole day with her the day before. She says I'm flakey but she flaked on meetings with me sometimes. I go to meetings for me not her. 

I don't know. We became close friends and she is on pain medicine a lot. She's gotten high and called me slurring her words. 

So I know I'm right I already have a new sponcer. I knew this was coming so I scooped her out. Why do I feel so bad?



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Member

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You need to be comfortable with your sponsor. Trust is important as you are sharing so many personal things about yourself. She violated that trust when she told that person of your crush. If I thought my sponsor was high on anything other than life, that would have been reason enough for me to find another one. I am glad that you found another sponsor. You may feel bad because you did develop a close friendship with your sponsor and you feel guilty for having to find another one. I will never become close friends with my sponsor and any of my sponsees. It is not a friendship relationship to me and it is because it makes it so much harder if the relationship doesn't work out --it is like two relationships ending. I wish you the best of luck with your new sponsor.

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Each of us feels what we feel for different reasons and so, it would be difficult for a third party to tell you why you feel so bad.

There are two things that I feel I can say though.

1. It's okay to feel the way you feel - always.
2. You're asking the right question.

My inability to deal with my feelings played a huge role in why I thought it was a good idea to stay drunk.  Self-examination teaches me why I feel the way I do - after which point I was able to find healthier ways of dealing with uncomfortable feelings.  Sometimes it hurts to take a close look at ourselves; but it is temporary - like a deep tissue massage.  Step Four is a deep issue massage. :)



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I have fired two sponsors in my sobriety stint.  One I did respectfully, an earlier one I didn't.  I've since made amends to the one I didn't.  although I needed to move on as there were things that were no longer sitting right with me, I didn't handle it very maturely.  The more recent one I kept it simple, thanked her for the time and service she gave me, didn't explain why in any lengthy way, and found someone that had something I was looking to grow in my own program.   I don't know why you feel guilt, only you can sort through this, but asking your HP to show you if there is anything you need to see on your side of the street.  There may not be as I've felt guilt when I've chosen to take better care of myself and its new behavior. 

Best to you,

Jan



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I've had several women ask me to be their sponsor, only one of whom was willing to actually work the steps. We made it to step 8, some of step 9 and then we drifted apart. We weren't connecting at mtgs or outside of mtgs anymore. One day she called me & thanked me for my help & told me she was going to be working with someone else. At first I was hurt, but soon realized that was my ego talking. As a sponsor, my responsibility is to take someone through the steps and give to them what has been so freely given to me. I have any women who ask me read the AA pamphlet about sponsorship & I reread it myself. It helps remind me what my role as a sponsor is.

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MIP Old Timer

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My experience is very similar nezyb....We can't make anybody willing. When I looked for a sponsor I was told I should look for three things. Someone that had a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps. Someone that had what I wanted....Was living the way I wanted to live....And someone that also had their own sponsor. That's important.

They talk in the book about people that rarely fail if they follow the path. The path to me is nothing more than the directions laid out in the book. I just needed someone to keep me on it. That's all I expected from a sponsor. I've had 4 sponcees that simply weren't willing to do the work. That's OK with me....I didn't have to drink over it. I don't know if they fired me or not...I haven't seen them. I do know one is in jail. When I find someone willing to take the action required I'll be ready...With God's help...Like my sponsor was for me.

I have a good relationship with my sponsor today. Went out to lunch with him a few weeks back. I always thank him for what he did for me. He always says the same thing....Don't thank me....You did the work. From what I can see about AA...That's kind of how this whole thing works.



-- Edited by Stepchild on Saturday 12th of July 2014 09:34:43 PM

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I haven't been very prolific as a sponsor. I haven't been asked in a long time, but I don't go to a lot of different meetings and we rarely get newcomers at my home group. For a while when I used to go to 5, 6 meetings a week at clubhouses and all, I'd get asked about once a month. Most often someone court ordered who needed to say they had a sponsor. I usually never heard from the person again. There were a few people who came in new that I became friends with, gave rides to meetings etc but never was actually their sponsor. The only sponsee I have today first asked me in 1992. He went back out after completing his DUI requirements and got his license back. He came back in 1997 and asked me again to be his sponsor. He has 17 years today. I always repeat the joke every year when I give him his coin that he's the only person I ever sponsored who stayed sober.

Another guy I sponsored for a few months went back out, was in and out for some years and re-emerged later and got me into doing detox meetings with him. The thing about giving mini-leads at detox meetings is you have a fresh audience every week. I did that for a while, until they changed the meeting night to where it conflicted with my home group, and I cling jealously to my home group - it's one thing I've done right, and it's probably the single biggest reason I'm sober today. My home group just celebrated its 55th anniversary. There are members with more sobriety than me, but right now I'm the senior member of the group - having been continuously a member of the group since my second week in the program. Everyone who was there when I got there 25 years ago moved on, left town, went back out, or died - except for one of the oldtimers who became a regular again about 5-6 years ago. He's coming up on 50 years sober later this year.

I also did prison meetings for about a year. I don't know if any of those guys stayed sober, but I did. It was what I needed at the time. After some time I really viewed sponsorship as a temporary thing. As in, I can be a sponsor, or someone can be my sponsor - in as little as a few minutes. And I really think that's what my first sponsor wanted to instill in me, without saying it out loud. He shopped me around to a lot of meetings and introduced me to dozens of oldtimers and even short timers with quality lives and sobriety in my first year, and I learned I could go to any of these people, one alcoholic to another, when my ass was falling off. I understand the appeal of having a sponsor, a "go to guy" for program guidance, but I think one of the most important things I've learned from AA is that no one person can do it all. Sponsors are human, and that is a limitation but not a failing. It's their human experience that is invaluable to a newcomer - or to a fellow oldtimer.

Oldtimer. Sheesh. It seems like I spent a good portion of my life being the youngest of the people around me. And in my home group in spite of my "seniority" with the group, I am younger than almost everybody. However at work, other than the owner (who spends most of his time in Florida), I'm the oldest - older than the boss even. Lot of people guess my age as early-mid 40s. Reality is I'll be 57 in November, and if I live to mid January, I will have lived longer than my dad, who drank himself to death at 57 years and 46 days. I think about this when I look at my 401K and see that it has about 10% of the value it needs to have in order for me to retire and be able to live 10 more years. Reality is, I will probably have to work full time until I'm 70. And I will probably continue to work part time beyond that, otherwise I'll run out of money before I turn 75.


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Senior Member

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My experience with sponsee's is similar to what I've heard described here. In fact, two years ago I wrote a post that read, in part:

Last week someone told me that they were wanted to work the steps with me. I went to pick them up over an hour away with the promise to bring them home in three days, brought them to my house and began working with them. But then there was this girl down the street he hadn't seen in a while. Then there was this friend who just came back in town. Then there was... very little step work was done. Two days ago an active addict sat in my living room and said that they were ready to quit. I suggested that we hit a meeting that started in 45 minutes. They had a headache and was tired.

Just once I want someone to show up on my doorstep in a little ball, sobbing hysterically and squeak out, "Help." Someone desperate enough, willing enough to work the steps and find a new way of life.

I have two sponsee's at the moment, which is twice as many as I've ever had at the same time before - both are flourishing...which is about twice as flourishing as I've ever had before as well. ;)



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MIP Old Timer

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Hi Liz,

Sounds to me like you did the right thing.  I think it takes courage to drop a sponsor who isn't good for us.

Blessings, Mike D.



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MIP Old Timer

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Hi Liz!  Sounds like you outgrew your Sponsor.  It happens and it's okay.  A Sponsor with solid recovery and comfortable with themselves won't worry about a Sponsee moving on.  I think we as Alcoholics feel bad when we worry about how people are going to react to our choices.  We're afraid to hurt people.  It's called people pleasing and it inflicts many Alcoholics.  We let other people, places and things control our lives.  Sacrificing our personal freedom to be who we are.  I had to work with my Sponsor on this defect ALOT.  He taught me a few things:  if you're honest then the other persons feelings are not your concern.  It goes along with each of us has to taken care of our own feelings.  There's also a saying that goes:  "say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean".  Might be an Alanon thing there.  I actually did some research on people pleasing and it was facinating to see that it's a selfish behavoir.  Sounds contradictory but, we do it to really to protect ourselves from potentially upsetting others and to avoid confrontation.  

The bottomline is we all have to make choices to care for ourselves.  Learning to be honest and direct is an act of love. When we speak up and are true to our feelings, people know who we are and where we stand.  If that bothers them, then they may have some unresolved issues of their own.  If a relationship is working and blocking us from our primary purposes, it's time to move on regardless of what others think or say. 



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