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MIP Old Timer

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The last couple of days have been rough ones for me. Got my feelings hurt again at a meeting the other night and I told myself what a loser I am and that it doesn't really matter because I will probably not be able to stick to this "no drinking" thing for the long run anyway. Contacted my sponsor about what happened. Really some dumb thing however it caught me totally off guard and was fighting back crying during the meeting and I spent alot of time second guessing another's motives...was it intentional, were others talking about me..why did that person feel the need to do what they did "to" me, and I didn't even have to go back to that meeting, as there are plenty of them in town anyway. In fact, I don't even need to go to hardly any meetings as money is really getting tight and I need to put in more hours working and making money to pay bills.

Anyway, it is a lesson to me that I have to stay on guard (for myself and my own reactions) and be prepared for people not acting the way "important" ole me thinks they "should" act and behave.

My sponsor reminded me that the only person I can control is myself and to say the Serenity Prayer and told me to move forward, not backward and let me know I am doing the right things to stay sober. All I really want to do is hole myself up here and withdraw like I used to do from the outside world and I think that scares me.

Still it is amazing to me how after almost a year of sobriety I haven't changed in some respect to my reactions to what others say and do and something like this brings me to tears so easily. All I can do is continue to work the program, pray for strength as well as pray to grow a backbone because obviously the one I have is not strong enough. (Maybe that is why I have so many backaches.)

BTY



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MIP Old Timer

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What step are you working on BTY?

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MIP Old Timer

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I am on Step 11 I guess because I haven't meditated.
Step 10 will be ongoing (to my understanding). I am praying, however need to work on the meditating.
It think it is hard for me to get rid of 50+ years on ingrained habits....overly-sensitivity is one of them and I have talked to oldtimers who said they still have trouble with things which come up and said that is going to happen and just to pray.
I think I have been working on Step 12 for awhile because I have been trying to help newcomers, both on this board and off of it and have started helping with meetings outside of AA. Although I heard (from you or someone..) that I shouldn't do the steps out of order......early in my sobriety I was trying to catch myself having certain thought processes/patterns which I felt were negative, self-defeating, blaming others, etc., and praying for their removal. I did that because I really wanted to change, didn't have a sponsor and I was worried my thinking was going to lead to my drinking. I think it helped keep me accountable for things which I was causing instead of blaming others which led to me drinking in the past.
I am also writing down any resentments that come up and trying to work through them to the best of my ability and am paying attention if I have any additional amends to make so that I can do so.
I would say that a great percentage of my waking time is doing AA/recovery work. I even thought about taking one of those caffaine drinks (5 hour energy or something like that) because I am pooped by early evening and just exhausted. If I had more energy I could get more done and more of my business work done (which I have greatly neglected and things here are getting grim in that respect). I feel like I am trying so hard to do everything I need to do however, must admit the meditation I have not worked on and I probably could pray more and with more seriousness than I have been. (I do so much praying throughout the day---while doing other things, when something bothers me, and I haven't gotten on my knees and maybe I should do that in our "pathway" of clutter.)



-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Thursday 17th of April 2014 10:51:13 AM

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MIP Old Timer

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Have you worked six through nine yet?

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MIP Old Timer

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Not trying to intrude with your share with StepChild...but Ide like to add that...I have to get my butt to 4 meetings a week...to keep a bit of a balance..

Doesn't matter how busy I am..

If I don't?...I get out of whack...and everything else gets out of whack

And Im whacky enough to begin with..

And Steps right...If the action steps aren't done in thoroughness..one at a time? There will still be stuff in the Poo Poo Pile :)



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MIP Old Timer

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It's called half measures...They produce nil.

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MIP Old Timer

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I have worked steps 6 through 9.
I go to 4-5 meetings a week.

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MIP Old Timer

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I have seen changes in me....lots of them. Things I never thought I would see. I know it is working, and I am trying to "work it". I had someone who with over ten years of sobriety tell me that she had never seen a newcomer work as hard as I have in all her sobriety time. I think growing up hearing mainly negative things of what I did wrong or wasn't doing instead of hearing I did much at all right may have something to do with insecurity issues. I can get several people telling me what I am doing "right" and then one person will tell me I did something "wrong" and I will focus on that one neg. instead of the other pos's.
Personally, I think it is Satan trying to derail me as I notice this kind of thing happens close to this time every month when I am getting ready to pick up a monthly chip.

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MIP Old Timer

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Ok then......Maybe its Prozac time..:)

Keep coming back and keep smiling!!

It WILL get better!!



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MIP Old Timer

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I was up and down like a yoyo before my first year...

Keep baking those cookies!! :)



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MIP Old Timer

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oh, Phil!

(Been baking all morning for meeting tonight.)

and the mail just came and OMG....my photo ID just came and EWWWWWW!!!! I look like Casper with his eyes caught in the headlights! At least my eyes are not glazed over. (And it is good to know that I am more focused on the "important" things!

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MIP Old Timer

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Mine looks like Casper after he was run over..:)



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MIP Old Timer

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Remember, BTY: What other people think of you is none of your business.

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MIP Old Timer

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Phil, maybe that is what happened to Casper....he is a ghost.

Ruby....try to tell myself that but sometimes I'm not listening, I think. I'll try harder to remember it however, it is a toughie for me because I have always been concerned about what others--particularly certain others---think of me...especially my daughter who still doesn't think too much of me. It is hard to just block that reality out of my mind.

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MIP Old Timer

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I didn't know you had BTY....I never heard you mention doing one amends. I think when I was working that step I shared in meetings about them. Did they go well for you?...Did you feel like you had cleared some of the wreckage of your past? They mention in the promises....

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

That phase being Restitution...The steps being divided into 4 phases...

Step 1....Admittance...of our need for help.

Steps 2-7...Surrender...Facing and ridding ourselves of what's blocking us.

Steps 8-9...Restitution....Righting our wrongs.

Steps 10-12....Construction and maintenance....Building and maintaining our new life.

I'm curious if you were painstaking with that step?....Did you feel change at all?

As far as your insecurity problem goes....That for me was just one of many fears I had to address on my fourth step....Fear of rejection.....A big one for me...Guilty as charged. The directions for step 10 tell us...

Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code.

pg 84

That's solid advice right there. Read pages 86 to 88 everyday for awhile BTY...And try and practice what they say to do.....It's a simple outline for how we should live each day....Steps 10 and 11...And we don't have to be perfect at it....We just have to do the best we can. It will become habitual....A working part of the mind....Something that will eventually require no work. I'd say your 12th step work is extaordinary....Keep it up!



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MIP Old Timer

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Sorry I'm late to this thread ... just wanted to say that early in sobriety, I got my feelings hurt a number of times ... when I went to my sponsor all he said was "Would you please quit 'renting space in your head' to this person" ... ... ... dump it and go forward ... no one can upset OR bother you without your consent ... so stop consenting ... ... ...



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MIP Old Timer

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Hi Stepchild....
I started to post about my amends on here however I felt like they were like my resentments--personal. I didn't know how to post about them without getting into them that way other then to say I did them. To be honest, I have been depressed more than feeling better about doing them. I did feel some relief after a short while of "unloading" all of them on my sponsor. Actually, right after I read my page after page of them, (which included my part in most of them and there were a very few which I did not honestly feel I had a part in them other than "being there" and my sponsor told me that sometimes there are things that happen which we do hold resentments for and we don't have a part in them. Anyway, after I read them, I felt exhausted and thought OMG I cannot believe I just opened up my life to this person and told them my most intimate crap and I have only known this person for a few months. Then I started crying. I have no idea if this person will go out one day, get mad at me one day, and as much as I would like to trust this person, I have heard and read some real horror stories about confidences between sponsors and sponsees being violated. Maybe I should have gone to a member of the clergy. I haven't been to a church in years and years and am not Catholic so didn't feel right about going to a priest because I just don't know if that confession stuff will "take" unless I am one. I did my amends and feel some relief from some of them, and stupid for others bringing stuff up to someone who probably doesn't give a hill of beans about me and what I did years ago. At least I tried though.

I will need to look up "painstaking". If it has to do with doing something regardless of it causes me pain, then I will say I have accomplished that. Those steps were certainly not a lot of fun and I think I will be second guessing myself on if I divulged too much.

I watch for every CD that comes up and pray right when I am aware of it. Like I said I do pray alot during the day---just not very long because I am usually with someone (ones), in the middle of something, however, I am scared to wait until there is a "better" time as I am afraid I will forget them. Even if something enters my mind which I feel is mean or unhealthy I will pray to God to take that thought out of my head. Maybe I just need to get my ass in church.
And Pappy, I love that "rent space" or don't rent space thingie and it worked so well several months ago. Need to keep that in my mind.



-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Thursday 17th of April 2014 08:17:45 PM

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MIP Old Timer

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Maybe I'm misunderstanding you here BTY...I'm not real sure. But did you make direct amends with the people on your list in person....Face to face?....Wherever possible?

And painstaking is just like it sounds.....Taking pains.

There is a solution.

Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation.

BB pg 25

I don't know about anyone else here....But I don't think anything ever leveled my pride like working that step did.

I think the only amends I wrote down were for people no longer living.....Or I haven't found yet. Maybe I never will....You never know.


 



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MIP Old Timer

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I did to the only one (person-to-person) who I could get to being as I don't drive and some of those on my amends list don't live in this state. My sponsor told me letters and phone calls were fine to make amends. And seeing as my dad was one of the ones on the list, it is kind of hard to meet with him face-to-face, as he has been dead for 20 years now. I was always apologizing for everything in my growing up years and until my adult years--even things which were not my fault--as I hated anyone being mad at me and I was very quick to apologize just to keep peace and I thought back then long before I knew anything about AA and before my drinking got out of hand that I may have done something that upset someone and I needed to clear the air. I had a Pizza Hut manager waving a knife at me while she was upset (she was cutting a head of lettuce at the time) and no one likes someone standing close to them, upset at them, and waving a knife at them. I walked out of that place because she was so mad at me and I feared I would get hurt. That is when I was 16. I had that on my resentment list and had PH for walking out on my amends list and my sponsor said that was something I didn't need to make amends for. (Oh, and I didn't have that crazy woman on my amends list--resentment was towards her---no way I was going to apologize to a wack-job.) That particular PH is no longer at that location and hasn't been for years. I was thinking I needed to go to the PH corporate office.

If you are saying that I have to pay for a cab or airfare to meet with people on my list face-to-face, or it doesn't "count", then I guess in your mind, and in perhaps to others, I haven't finished this step. What would my HP say about that? I am not sure however, I can go to a member of the clergy and ask. I would think that as long as the apology is coming from my heart and I am sincere, it would be acceptable to Him. I will gladly accept donations from anyone who wants to help me with fares to reach people if not.

(of course, I'm just kidding.)
And I may be confused, but I am not sure that "pride" has to do with me being human and getting my feelings hurt when someone treats me in a way which is insensitive. Maybe so, I am still new at this.



-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Friday 18th of April 2014 07:09:00 AM

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MIP Old Timer

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As far as amends go ... never expect to do them perfectly ... especially the first time around ... the point is to do them, period ... as we grow in the program, we will find that we may need to go back and amend our amends or to actually search out those we couldn't get to or find the first time around ...

Personally, I don't like the 'letter' approach unless you know you cannot or will not ever see this person again ... and for those who have 'passed on', I suggest making a 'graveside' amends by writing it out on paper and while kneeling by the grave, read it ... then pray about it ... making your peace from within ...

Making amends took me about 6 months to cover all the ground I needed to cover ... AND there are those I am prepared to make amends to 'if and when I ever see them again' ... ... ...

The point here is that there has been an effort on your part to do them ... and then praying for God's will to be done for them as well as for yourself is important ... then we learn to take a daily inventory and then on to improve our conscious contact with God ...

If we have experienced a profound change in our personality and thinking, then we have experienced a 'spiritual awakening' ... some awakenings can be more dramatic than others ... the point is is that 'we've changed' ... and the future will provide us with more awakenings as we practice this program ... it's not 'once 'n done' ... they certainly continue as our eyes become open to new possibilities and opportunities ...



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MIP Old Timer

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Well, except for the occasional hurt "poor me" feeling I have gotten, I feel overwhelmingly different in lots of ways. Most of the time I feel preoccupied with helping others and feel good about myself like I haven't done. I love love love my meetings and the peace I feel most days. I did read some in my 12 Step Book and found out that it is going to happen that I do have times when I will allow my feelings to be hurt and to watch out for it, pray for it and that is what I need to do with more seriousness. I did, feel better, and thanks yaw! Still think it is the devil trying to kick my butt whenever I am doing better in my life.



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MIP Old Timer

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I look at the ninth step as one I'll always be working....There's living amends...As I'm doing now...Just staying sober. I'm sure there will be people I'll run across in the future I'll be ready to ninth step when I see them. You do the best you can with what you got. Face to face is probably the best....A phone call if you have to. I wrote a letter to my father and took it to where his ashes are. Very moving. I always like how the book explains it.

Simply we tell him that we will never get over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past. We are there to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worth whilecan be accomplished until we do so, never trying to tell him what he should do. His faults are not discussed. We stick to our own. If our manner is calm, frank, and open, we will be gratified with the result.
 
In nine cases out of ten the unexpected happens. Sometimes the man we are calling upon admits his own fault, so feuds of years' standing melt away in an hour. Rarely do we fail to make satisfactory progress. Our former enemies sometimes praise what we are doing and wish us well. Occasionally, they will offer assistance. It should not matter, however, if someone does throw us out of his office. We have made our demonstration, done our part. It's water over the dam.

pg 76-77

And an amends isn't just saying I'm sorry....I have 30 years of worthless I'm Sorries behind me.... It's being willing to do what we can to set wrongs right. Tell you a funny story BTY...I did my amends with my exwife on the phone. I couldn't afford a ticket to go see her in person....I was flat ass broke. Understandable. I wasn't looking forward to that one at all. I took full responsibility for destroying that marriage...I told her I was going to try and live a better life without alcohol....Maybe help people that were in the same predicament I was in.... She told me she had been praying I would find some kind of help....We ended up talking for an hour. I still think those prayers as well as some from others....Are what walked me through the doors of AA. It can be a pretty amazing experience. Water over the dam.



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MIP Old Timer

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betterthanyesterday52 wrote:

 I did read some in my 12 Step Book and found out that it is going to happen that I do have times when I will allow my feelings to be hurt and to watch out for it...


 

Yup. My former sponsor told me (among a LOT of great things he told me): "Yes darling, it's a spiritual program...

But don't kid yourself - the most spiritual we are ever going to get is 'human'.

 



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