Time still takes time...whatever happens :)

Hang in!!

What makes me feel so much better when I am having a rough day, is doing what you said about pouring myself into AA. I have found when I call another alcoholic who has less time than me which I am really getting better about doing, I feel better and it takes my mind off my own problems. Not saying you are doing this....I was just plain feeling sorry for myself about certain things and I got so caught up in my self-pity and depression, that sometimes I would tell myself I had to drink again to get through it. The last thing I wanted to do while feeling like this, was to try and help someone else. I discovered a good while back, that at least for me, it is not enough for me to attend meetings and come on this board. I had to commit to doing things for other AA'ers like making coffee, setting up, cleaning up, baking things and looking into other related activities. I feel needed and useful now to others and feel like they count on me to do the things I said I would. I don't feel like a loser anymore whose only purpose in life was to drink until my death.

We have had someone not show up twice who said he would make coffee for a meeting. So one night we had coffee late for people and another night we didn't have coffee. I was going to make it and another member told me not to do so, because since it is a huge pot and takes so long to brew, the coffee wouldn't be ready in time. Now I try to get to that particular meeting earlier in case they don't have anyone to make it. I cannot commit to being at this location every meeting to do that, since I don't drive and it is not within walking distance. But this as well as other things I want to do has given me the motivation to get my driver's license back again. This is something I haven't done for about four years because of my "fears". Now, it isn't all about me anymore and thanks to God and AA, I am motivated to do things to help others suffering from this disease.

Your commitment to stay sober through the bad times as well as the good, will only strengthen you and you may help someone else who is trying hard not to drink during their hard times, too.

 

 

Aloha Ron...in early recovery I heard lots of good stuff which most of stuck with me because it was so new and so opposite how I use to think, feel and act when I was drinking.  What I heard was "This is a simple program for complicated people" and that caused me to knee jerk because I was finding out how complicated I was.  My brain was damaged from the heavy drinking and I couldn't trust my own thinking which most often triggered my behaviors and which I wanted to change so badly because I didn't hurt people so much from what I thought...it was from what I did.  I saw and met so many  miracles in recovery who had similar stories as mine and I wanted what they had and which they got thru our program.  I wanted so much to trade my program for "thee" program that I was willing to do anything, take any suggestion to get what they had.  I was taught to work and be patient and keep a wide open mind to "thee" program.  I have pretty much turned myself totally over to my HP and the program and like BTY I have learned to do service for many good reasons.  It keeps me close to the program and meetings, I get to watch other alkies grow and change mentoring my own desires, I get to watch others demonstrate new sober behaviors before I attempt to do them myself, I get to affirm myself as something other than an asshole and I get to hear people honestly thank me for the efforts.  The program works when you work it.  Yes I hurt a lot of people and I've been in life threatening situations while under the influence and got a temporary pass so that I could have a sober life beyond how I use to live and then tell others "Hey this is really doable and the consequence is awesome"!! I found that many of the people I had hurt were waiting for an opportunity to forgive me because the core rule for all of us is to be loving and being loved in return.  That is a fact for me and I have been forgiven and accepted back into the flock were I thought I would always be wolf bait by  my own choice.   Yes there is going to be drama...expect it and choose a sober response to it.  AA is solution oriented...bet on that and work it and you will realize solutions which will easily displace fear and anxiety and confusion.  God will do for you as you are trying to do for yourself; certainly with a more interesting twist.   It is so great that you and the wife have had an amending period of time...don't belabor it...let that go also and keep the experience of having it happen...there is tons of hope in that process.  I learned not only how to love mine and also to respect and honor her as a child of God...not perfect, sometimes quirky (not judging) and always a child of God...just like myself.  We are about progress not perfection.  

Wreckage of the present...do the inventory...own what it yours, get rid of what isn't and be responsible for your choices while learning to love yourself.  You are not alone and put that on a gratitude list.  Thoughts and prayers for you, your wife, your family and everyone touched by you.   

Yeah Ron, you're going through what most of us have already been through ... it can be a 'b*tch'... hold onto your BB as hard as you can man ... it IS the way out of the pain and misery, for sure ...