Gorgeous day. I woke up with a headache (prob. allergies), backache(every morning mostly due to my own making of not exercising--laziness) and not having had much sleep due to the wonderful and natural part of life every woman goes through when we reach my age. I wanted to complain about how crappy I feel physically this a.m. However, I thought--I am still sober and I am so very grateful for that and how I feel physically doesn't matter as much as it usually would. I don't have a hangover, cotton mouth, sluggishness and I know my aches and pains aren't caused by drinking the night before. I am grateful also, for being able to "feel" my aches and pains which I have probably had more than I realized in the past which were numbed with all the alcohol. Instead of seeing my empty cans and bottles from the night before, this morning I saw the blue skies, looked at the buds on the trees finally popping out after one of the coldest winters I can remember, and I watched a female sparrow teasing a persistent male on top of the neighbor's fence. There will be sounds of baby birds in the air soon and the biggest thing I will have to worry about is whether a crow gets to them before they are big enough to fly on their own. I just heard the neighbor throw his nightly bottles and cans into his recycling bin which is outside his back porch door. It happens every morning and throughout the day and he throws them in so hard I can hear it even when I am inside. It sounds as if he is very upset when he "puts" them in there. Reminds me of all the cans and bottles which would be lined up around the back porch area when we didn't throw them away the night before and I would get mad at myself for having had so much to drink. (However, it usually didn't stop me from going out to get more a lot of mornings.)We also have college neighbors who live below us, who use our recycling bin and plastic containers as their own. They quickly fill up with dozens of alcohol containers and they are not big enough to hold all of them by recycling day, so they always have several paper bags filled with them as well. I worry about them. I worry about the angry neighbor next door who has a wife and a baby. Their whole futures in front of them and they all are drinking their lives away, like I did much of mine. I cannot control anyone else and their drinking. I do get heartsick for them. All I can do is pray for them, stay sober and continue to enjoy the simple things in life, like blue skies and birds chirping, which were impossible for me to pay any attention to when I was drinking and my own beer cans and bottles used to hit the bin.
I used to stack empties everywhere...even in my car under the seats not caring what fine I would get for driving with empty containers. Most folks are embarrassed by the clanking of those bottles and cans going to the trash. I wasn't really. I had no insight into it. Figured nobody was on the watch for me being an alcoholic. Now that I look back, I know why my neighbor hated me back then. I drank, smoked, talked loudly on my cell phone on the patio and told him to "lighten up" (in not so nice a way) when he came to complain. So yeah...this share has meaning to me because all those thousands of bottles and the lengths I went to in order to get them....total hell. For a short period when I was in between dysfunctional relationships, I lived with my parents. They don't drink hardly at all and I knew they would find it unusually for me to be drinking wild irish rose and having gallon bottles of vodka in my room. I used to drink in my car and throw the bottles out either at the church or the elementary school. How messed up it that? I didn't think I had a problem?!
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I hear you, BTY. My favorite destination was a grocery store dumpster down at the local shopping center. It seemed like a fairly logical alternative, given my unusual circumstances, but looks can also be deceiving. The only major drawback: What if people were watching?
So I had to remain extremely quiet throughout the entire process, just as a precautionary measure. It was the only way to escape culpability in case anyone found out. Speaking of which...I wonder if I should make an amends? Good question. What would I say? How would they react? I'll ponder that for awhile.
Anyway, that incident happened over 12 years ago. What became extremely bothersome, besides my so called dumpster diving, was the amount of alcohol I actually drank. I spent weeks clearing out my pad, and with good reason. There were empty bottles just about everywhere. I found bottles half empty and some completely full -Go figure. I could always find the empty ones but never the full ones. Here's the kicker: I lived alone, so why hide them to begin with. Can you say Freak?
Thank God, I don't have those worries anymore. I hope that sentiment continues , I really do.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 19th of April 2014 12:54:12 AM
Great posts, ... I certainly can relate to them all ...
Not only were we throwing away a ton of good money, but our lives as well ... boy, ain't it great to be sober and seeing, hearing and feeling God's presence through the birds and other of nature's wonders ... a sight to behold for sure !!! ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Welcome to the MIP board Anderson, ... you don't know Tasha yet, ... she's got it together better than many of us, LOL ...stick around and get to know us, just like in the meeting rooms, we don't bite ... well, Phil maybe, but most of us are docile here ... welcome again ...
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hmmmm.... I missed yet another growth opportunity! It looks like it was for someone else today instead, as I missed the comment entirely while enjoying my family thanks to the life offered me in the 12 steps. Thank you Roger and Mark for embracing life and leaning into the spirit and heartbeat of AA :) What an honor to be here among true friends and friends not realized yet :)
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Thanks pinkchip. Maybe others who have more sobriety time and experience working and practicing the steps can better handle mean comments. If it was meant for me, it would make me very depressed. Hopefully I will be like a that duck's back and the water thingie in time.
Grace, you are in the midst of generating and creating your own value and self worth/esteem, as you do what you believe an all loving higher power would wish for you. Deep in your heart, you know that if you're living the principles of this program, what other people think of you would never be able to put a dent in all that you've worked (are working) for every day. If I give away my power, and place my sense of value into someone else hands - I become useless to HP with every passing dirty look.
I believe there is a reason I've been presented this growth opportunity over and over and over... it's something that will be crucial to my life and recovery some day - or maybe not even mine, but someone else. To me - it's just the path laid out - and it's up to me to accept it or not. I have spent plenty of time on the other side of the river from acceptance for what is. It feels lonely and cold and awful like being stuck in the mud. It's up to me to yank my feet out of there and get moving along side HP's will for our universe. I know in my heart who I am and what I am today. Even what my best friends or husband thinks of me doesn't truly suck me into swaying away from what I understand the principles of this program to be. When I try and "make" them like me or whatever, by not being the true self I have found using the steps - I am controlling. When I am in this character defect I am again rendered useless to HP. Many of my character defects were learned in childhood and helped me survive for a long time. This makes it incredibly difficult to let go and bare the real me for fear of rejection or abandonment - but each time I practice showing my true self a taking baby steps - I feel empowered by the Highest powers that be. It feels so good to be real and live along side of others with love and acceptance as my true self would be and an all loving HP would wish for me... that there is just no going back to anything else for long ever again - no matter how many people try to press me back into the cage that is the bondage of self.
One of the bright spots on this board is YOU. You're doing this!! You're an inspiration to many. I think the Real you emerging - and you will discover just how awesome it is no matter what anyone else thinks. That is the Power of living and working for a Higher Power in all our affairs as best we can seeking progress not perfection.
I will never ever be perfect - far from it. I only know enough to know I know just a little. The depths of my thinking disease was/is deep - the thinking was being altered by others thinking diseases from the time I was born. Today I know that I have the capacity to break a generational disease that has gone back for 100's if not 1000's of years. I am grateful and honored that it's time in our family - and that may childrens path can head in a new and better direction. This pivotal turning point is a blessing beyond measure for us, and for you and your loved ones and everyone who you touch in recovery. What a gift you are. What a gift this is to Get to be here.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
