So part of this ongoing learning about the depths of my black and white thinking have unfolded some exciting discoveries.
I always thought my first impressions of people were Solid and important and highly accurate. I walked away from people based solely on the sound of their voice, the way they looked, the sort of car they drove, the way they spoke, the items they might have in their hand (a coke, a cig, a way flashy purse, a big watch). So there is obviously two parts to this... I was LOOKING for reasons to give the okay to my isolation, and secondly, it describes the level of my own vanity and false pride, and how it plays into the use of black and white thinking to feed my disease.
Some of you know that my car was smashed on the side a little over a month ago. As it was revealed to me the freedoms from self bondage (anxiety - pity - victim role - anger - resentment) during the actual accident, and all the running around that followed... the COOLEST part about it all was that because it was an ice age during that time here in WI, there were zillions of people smashing into each other, and so, I had to drive around my smashed up car for over a month before a repair person was available.
I got a little practice letting go of some of this vanity, and getting a nice ol' slap in the face as to how much I still hang onto this character defect. Now I will say, I no longer use it to isolate or feed my disease in that way. I have moved beyond some of that thanks to all the people I get to recover with on this board, who I never see, or see anything about. This has shown me first hand that I am capable of loving and respecting people based solely on the inside and their soul.
I was just beginning to enjoy being "brought down to Earth" in my dented car when it was fixed and sent back to me all shiny and fancy and new. When I bought this car, I opted for the all chrome package with moon roof and all the fancy looking stuff INSTEAD of the other package that would have offered 4 wheel drive. I LIVE IN WI> and I chose pearl white and chrome over something that I actually NEED! This was all based on vanity and trying to impress something upon people for lack of feeling I had it really to offer on the inside. I guess I'm starting to think about that little man big truck thing right now and wandering off in my mind....
I feel relaxed here to share this kind of stuff with you guys. I've shared it with a couple select friends too... and it really is a gift to be able to say it and say it until I am ready to truly just let it go.
We are moving most likely... soon. 14 hours away to the smokey mountains. I hope to downsize in home size, get rid of the multiple sets of furniture (we currently have 4 living room areas, 2 rooms that are just 'sitting rooms' a dining room, a kitchen nook room - it's ridiculous. It's a TON to clean, and most of it is just for looks, the rooms never even get sat in or used ever. That means we have a billion furniture items and zillions of decor things etc. I decided yesterday that I was going to offer up the house furnished. Just leave it all behind. I want to take my piano because it has sentimental value, but other than that... all this STUFF is just STUFF cluttering up my brain and my life. I want a simple, humble cozy home. Our lake house has one small living area, a kitchen dining room that are together, and bedrooms - that's it.... I love it!
On the flip side, I am grateful I have what I need. It's like I stopped this crazy forward motion of trying to get more and more and more, thinking it would fill the void and make me happy - then coming to a screeching halt with finding an all loving HP to fill the void... and then being all of a sudden starkly aware of how much STUFF I was trying to stuff in that void! This void I somehow couldn't see before because I had my eyes on the next WANT and Thing - stuff...
Now I'm backpedaling and shedding off the stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with my needs anymore and boy it feels good because I'm just giving it all away to people who actually DO need stuff and I feel balance returning as an amends to the universe for ever taking so much more than I needed.
I am ready to let the insides match the outside xooxoxoxxooxo Love to all xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
WOW Tash, .... You are not the person I met here, what, a couple years ago ??? ... You have changed and become a prime example of 'HOW' this program works ... and you've summed it up very well here ... thanks for sharing this exciting part of your life with us ...
Hey, it would seem to me that your last sentence should have been the other way around ??? ... maybe it's just me, but it would seem that you are ready to make the 'outside' start reflecting what's on the 'inside' ???
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I happy for you Tasha. I'm glad you're moving forward in spite of the past. It' a positive sign in the right direction. I'm hoping for the best. Onward...
-- Edited by Mr_David on Sunday 13th of April 2014 02:07:27 PM
I almost have the opposite problem (or maybe it's the same). I would not allow myself to have nice things because I felt unworthy of them. I still have problems driving around a nice car, having nicer clothes, jewelry. For me, I have had a giant martyr complex and used that as an excuse to not take care of my own stuff and not strive for better. Funny that I have had to work at taking care of my car (because it's no longer a dented up junker like I used to drive) and actually take care of my clothes, wear stylish and professional ones to work rather than just show up looking all haggard like I used to. I have to pay attention to cleaning up my house and spend money to have it cleaned additionally because before...I didn't care if I lived in shambles. I refused to vacuum, dust...collect any artwork or nick nacks because I didn't see the point. I felt like crap and only drinking mattered. I am still not used to having those things matter as a reflection of me. My insides and outsides have not matched. When I thought I was crap, I guess that was a match, but now.... I don't want to be materialistic but the degree to which I was refusing to value my own stuff was a reflection of devaluing myself. I see myself moving from being like a sulky ass teenager (emotionally) with a messy room whose parents yell at them for not taking care of their things and being presentable. I guess it makes sense because teenager is about where I was stuck at because that's when I started drinking. Wonder if anyone else relates to this.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I can relate to you, PC! Although towards the end of my drinking (last year or so) I attempted to resemble a 'normal person' by covering up the mess I was with pricy clothes, I felt largely undeserving of nice things. I had not unpacked from moving into my place 3 years prior, I had nice clothes... But nothing in my apartment to make a home. Bare walls, piled up boxes serving as bookshelves, slept on the couch every night. It all felt very transient though I had lived here for years. I remember buying some plants when I got sober to give the place some life... And that felt very odd to me. It took me the better part of a year into sobriety to unpack those boxes that were filled with hundreds of books I lugged around from apartment to apartment for a decade. I didn't even know what I owned. I'm still a minimalist, but I have made a cozy little home for myself slowly. I remember purchasing a vacuum for the first time in my life at the age of 36, thinking 'OK- so now I'm kinda an adult!'. I still feel strange at times putting together an outfit then thinking 'why bother?', but I'm getting used to treating myself as a human being:)
I grew up wearing hand-me-downs and handmade clothing my mom made. It was rare I had any new clothing except for at the beginning of the school year and our new things had been laid away at the only department store in town at the end of the previous school year when things were on sale. I had one pair of shoes and if my feet outgrew them, too bad. I remember my toes killing me alot of the time from being squished in my shoes.
When I got my first job, I loved going to stores and shopping and being able to buy me what I wanted. When I got married, we were pretty well off and even then, I would rarely buy things which were not on sale and frequently shopped at second hand stores. I have owned a two Cadillacs, a Jaguar and other nice cars--all previously owned, but I felt pretty important driving around town in them. Ha!
Although my husband and I had accumulated many antiques and other things, as well as we had quite a bit of equity in the house we lived in. I left the house and most everything to him, including things which were handed down to me and my father's many paintings. (I am regretful I don't have the heirlooms and paintings as well as more family pictures--the sentimental stuff.)
Now, I don't own a car, don't have any fancy antiques and collectibles. I still wear thrift store clothes. I used to feel sorry for myself walking away from the house and all that stuff. Now I am grateful I am sober and am concerned more about what is going on in my head and helping other people than I worry about things. Cannot take any of it with me when I'm gone and I'll be happy if I'm sober when I go from here.
Good post.
during that time here in WI, there were zillions of people smashing into each other, and so, I had to drive around my smashed up car for over a month before a repair person was available.