I have been in AA for over a year. I have had about four relapses but always felt comfortable after my weeks away from AA coming back to admit my relapse and get my 24 hour coin. My longest clean time was 4 months. After my last relapse I came back to AA and my sponser and finally worked the steps completely up to step 8. Doing step 4 and 5 were very hard. Of course at the same time there were alot of big stressors going on in my life. The problem is although I attend a meeting or two a day I am engaging in "controlled drinking." In the past my attempts at controlled drinking ended up in drinking to get drunk. I love my home group and love the people there. Some have asked how much sober time I have. I just respond by saying I dont want to disciss it. Obviously that person knows what that means. I have not told my sponser that I am drinking everyday just to the point of getting the buzz. I feel guilt and shame but dont feel I can stop. At the meetings when asked is there anyone here who wants to start a new way of life I just cant get myself to get another 24 hour coin. I want to be honest about drinking. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. I do have the desire to quit but it does have a hold on me at this point. I am embarrassed to let everyone know I am drinking but worse yet dont feel I can stop drinking. I know I am alcoholic and my life is unmaneageable. I believe God can restore me to sanity but I dont know how with all the stress I feel. I have done sobriety before and know I can do it again. I just cant seem to do it now. I dont know who to talk to because dont want to admit again to my AA family I am actively drinking. To drink is to die is what I have been told over and over. Any amount of drinking is not accepted. Any thoughts out there?
You need to be honest with yourself and your group if you want to move ahead and continue to grow. Just remember ....... We dont give up on our people. This is about your life not your reputation. No one can judge you without judging themselves. You have a disease and you have a desire to fight it. Let go and let God and know that the hand of AA is there for you. I hope you find the strengh!! Good Luck allie and keep coming back you are welcome and you are loved.
-- Edited by SUSIE on Monday 2nd of May 2011 12:19:58 PM
Just a thought but what you are describing isn't you controlling your drinking but your drinking controlling you, perhaps revisiting step one might be helpful
Welcome, sobriety isn't a requirement for membership in AA but an honest desire to quit is, and I understand having an honest desire to quit and not being able to, hell every alcoholic in the world understands that, that's why we're here
Honesty, Open mindedness and willingness are the three key ingredients we need to get sober, we have found they are indispensable
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
When we are able to reach an emotional acceptance of utter defeat,that we are powerless over alcohol and unmanageable ,the healing can then begin.We start with putting the drink down and come to an admission and surrender. We won't give up on you ,God didn't give up on us! Take a close look inside and see "what you are willing to do" Let us know how you are doing.peace.
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
The following is only my opinion...and I'm just another fellow alcoholic, so please take my two cents with a grain of salt.
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking...but it is absolutely necessary to be rigorously honesty in this program if you wish to have any measure of success. I agree with Lin Baba, you are definitely back to step one. Do yourself a favor and get honest with yourself and your sponsor and home group. You will not respect yourself enough to "get this thing" if you continue living a lie. Also, you will burn bridges with the people reaching out to you if you keep lying to them.
I will keep you in my prayers, Allie. Best wishes. Heather
Thankyou for these thoughts. It is definitely not controlled drinking but drinking controlling me. I am going to my home group meeting tonight as I always do. I love them all so much. Its like working up the courage to tell your mom or dad you are doing something you feel shame about. Honesty and willingness is what I am praying for from God. This will be a huge lesson in humility. I pray I can be honest with myself and my AA family. I also Im praying for strength. I dont want my drinking to spiral out of control and then anything could happen. Thanks again, Allie.
My sponsor use to guide me into reading my own shares as if I were someone else and then reviewing the conclusions and solutions from that perspective. Amazing what we can see of ourselves and our situations from "out there". Alcohol controls...It rules until the surrender and absolute self abandonment to God and the program. Fear is what stopped me from the abandonment until the insanity of doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result would no longer work.
Have a great meeting...sit down, listen with an open mind, listern, learn, practice. A simple program for complicated people.
Welcome to MIP and keep coming back we need all the help we can get.
Good luck allie hope with God's help you get sober, whatever happens please be gentle with yourself, no one is perfect. The fact you made this post shows that deep down you know that you are still looking to overcome this disease and that fact alone and hard work will see you through this. Good luck
I talked with three of my home group members and admitted to drinking every day. One asked what is my fear? We discussed that i am experiencing emotional pain and just seek to numb it. So my fear is actually feeling the pain of the situations in my life. Another said that drinking is trying to live in my own will and not giving my will over to God. Thus I need to go back through the first three steps. I am scared to tell my sponser. I meet with her tomarrow and she is harsh and confrontational with me. When discussing this with another member about my sponser I was told this may just be my interpretation of her. And if she is harsh with me it might be difficult but she will just be doing her job as my sponser. I appreciate every person who has responded. I am also going to read out of the twelve and twelve as suggested by one member when I discussed my frustration with working the steps. I know that I am still holding onto my own defects of character. I know it is insanity to drink after what it has done to my life. I am trying to find my trust in God to help me be honest with myself and with others. Thanks for your prayers. Allie
OH sis,you need to dig down deep into whatever it is that's causing you pain and come to terms with it. Become OK with it somehow, leave it behind. That's cleaning house. Good luck to you.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
AA is a SELF HELP program....that means help yourself first! You are not there to make impressions and to please people. Screw all that. This is all about you. All anybody wants is for you to stop drinking. You are WAY WAY WAY overcomplicating all of this by listening to internal noise about shame, people pleasing, stress...yada yada. I am quite sure you don't have any more stress than the rest of us. I suggest cutting the terminal uniqueness and getting honest. Each time you go off and try a "little experiment" again with alcohol you are basically trying to rewrite the big book and do things differently than all of the people that know better than you how to get sober. If you want to get sober, there are not excuses for drinking...so stop making new ones.
With that said, we love you, we know how hard it is because we have all been there. Be honest and keep coming back. Don't drink no matter what. All that bull crap about "controlled" drinking and your "high stress" is your disease talking and you REALLY ought to stop listening to it and listen to people who are there to help you in the rooms.
Sounds like you already took steps to correct yourself here but it did not need to be such a struggle. Keep it simple. Tell your sponsor EVERYTHING until you gain more tools for maintaining sobriety.
Truly in support,
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Well, you did a good job at making me laugh at myself because you are exactly right. I appreciate the brutal honesty. I know my sponser will give me some too but it could save my life. Thanks for the love and prayers. What would the world be like without the old timers. One told me early in sobriety to get off the cross because they needed the wood. You have to laugh because you know it comes from experience and out of good intentions. Allie
-- Edited by allie on Monday 2nd of May 2011 10:13:41 PM
Allie, I just think the same way as you. I do the martyr thing constantly. Sometimes I believe the "king baby" term was coined about me. I am just quicker to realize it and quicker to call myself out on it. I am also a little gentler with myself when I do it.
It is going to be really uncomfortable for you to acquire new ways of dealing with stress, entertaining yourself, feeling emotions, rewarding yourself, self-soothing without alcohol. The good news is that I can PROMISE you (and the 9th step promises can promise you) that it will get easier and you will know a new freedom in short order if you just keep putting another sober day together...then another one...etc. Don't backslide when it gets scary...tell someone, cry, do whatever you have to EXCEPT DRINK.
We are all rooting for you and your HP wants this for you too.
(and for LinBaba's benefit and yours...I am not saying "Don't drink and go to meetings." Just sharing some stuff that helped me string days together up to that first year. Doing stepwork is critical....but you already corrected yourself on that stuff when you stated you needed to rework 1 through 3 cuz you forgot you were powerless over alcohol, it started making you act crazy again, and you took your will back too).
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 2nd of May 2011 10:37:31 PM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I am scared to tell my sponser. I meet with her tomarrow and she is harsh and confrontational with me. When discussing this with another member about my sponser I was told this may just be my interpretation of her. And if she is harsh with me it might be difficult but she will just be doing her job as my sponser.
Good for you, you are taking important steps toward recovery. But your thoughts above make me wonder if your sponsor is right for you? I had to leave my first sponsor because she took this sort of "tough love" approach -- I'm sure it's great for some people but for someone who beats themselves up the way I do, the last thing I needs was someone else piling on. My current sponsor is much more supportive and encouraging -- I would never be "scared" to tell her anything -- and I don't think it's a coincidence that after I started working with her I turned the corner from repeated relapses to a more secure and lasting sobriety. Just a thought.
GG
I empathize with your struggles because all of us have been duped by this disease at one time or another. Our shame and embarrassments are painful reminders of our past and serve no useful purpose in the realms of our recovery.
I suggest you look beyond your current circumstances and allow yourself the privilege of becoming that sober person, once again, who can inspire us with their stories of success for many years to come. Don't let anyone or anything make you feel less than zero, because everyone has the ability to accomplish the miraculous even through the most trying of circumstances.
You have put some time together in the past and with the help of AA and this forum, can surpass more milestones in sobriety than previously imagined -one day at a time. So, don't give up on yourself...not just yet. We won't...either should you.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Tuesday 3rd of May 2011 01:25:46 AM
If your going to meetings and drinking in between , you are only harming yourself, you are putting stress on your mind , your going to meetings and carrying on conversations about alcoholism, and then going drinking afterwards, it's like lying in confession, You might as well drink and find a rock bottom then commit to recovery.
I don't recall the OP being on this board since I first got on it a few years ago. I hope she is alright. I will respond in case others in a similar situation read this.......
AA welcomes people who not only have been able to stay sober --also those (like me...) who have relapsed once or more (like me). If it were that easy to get and stay sober there would not be an AA, nor many of the other recovery groups.
Ones sobriety time, or lack of it should not keep people from attending meetings if they so desire. It is not a good idea to go to meetings drunk IMO. I stopped going to meetings for a while because of the fear I had about what others would think about me as well as some petty crap since I feel like I have resolved now with those I felt "hurt me". These things was used by me as an excuse to feel sorrier for myself, try to mind read what other people were thinking.
It takes some of us a longer time to figure out that we are done. Me definately included. It really is no one else's business but our own and our HP with the exception of we need to be honest with our sponsor if we are working with one. I do not recall asking anyone in the meetings how much sobriety time they have...if they want to share that--it's fine. I have, on the other hand, been asked by quite a few how many days/much time I have. This has made it hard for me to go to meetings after a relapse out of embarrassment, guilt and shame.
My focus now is on taking the much appreciated advice of Pappy and others on this board who have told me to stop worrying what others think. I go to meetings, am working the Steps and if someone asks me how much sober time I have I can answer "By the Grace of God I am sober today, and what a beautiful day it is!"
My focus now is on taking the much appreciated advice of Pappy and others on this board who have told me to stop worrying what others think. I go to meetings, am working the Steps and if someone asks me how much sober time I have I can answer "By the Grace of God I am sober today, and what a beautiful day it is!"
Still going to meetings every day, LTR? That is important.
I sure feel special now, Tanin. All these newcomers on here and you are trying to help me out of all of them. Be careful now, or lest my ego will grow even larger than it already is....LOL.
I was attending meetings everyday for about a month. Then my ride went out of town for a few days. I do not drive. I know I could have tried to get others to pick me up and give me a ride. That's my bad I know....I just was unable to do so. When I have gotten rides from others--who seemed at the time I asked glad to do it--however I have heard comments like...you really need to get your driver's license' as well as "I will be so glad when you get your license and you can drive me places"..... (Which I am working on and hope to get very soon if I don't fail getting on the highway part (always huge fear of mine even b/4 losing my license) as well as the parallel parking part (yuk!)"
So, another stupid fear kept me from meetings. There is one meeting not too far from here, however, I sprained my ankle not long ago and was worried about getting there and being unable to get back. Again, my bad. I should have gotten over that stupid fear and asked someone to take me. Hopefully, I will pass my driving test soon and getting to a meeting will not be a problem for me. Thanks so much for caring. Really appreciate it and thank you for making me feel so special!
-- Edited by leavetherest on Sunday 3rd of July 2016 03:37:06 PM
I sure feel special now, Tanin. All these newcomers on here and you are trying to help me out of all of them. Be careful now, or lest my ego will grow even larger than it already is....LOL.
I was attending meetings everyday for about a month. Then my ride went out of town for a few days. I do not drive. I know I could have tried to get others to pick me up and give me a ride. That's my bad I know....I just was unable to do so. When I have gotten rides from others--who seemed at the time I asked glad to do it--however I have heard comments like...you really need to get your driver's license' as well as "I will be so glad when you get your license and you can drive me places"..... (Which I am working on and hope to get very soon if I don't fail getting on the highway part (always huge fear of mine even b/4 losing my license) as well as the parallel parking part (yuk!)"
So, another stupid fear kept me from meetings. There is one meeting not too far from here, however, I sprained my ankle not long ago and was worried about getting there and being unable to get back. Again, my bad. I should have gotten over that stupid fear and asked someone to take me. Hopefully, I will pass my driving test soon and getting to a meeting will not be a problem for me. Thanks so much for caring. Really appreciate it and thank you for making me feel so special!
-- Edited by leavetherest on Sunday 3rd of July 2016 03:37:06 PM
So, you're not going to any meetings now, LTR?
If so, that's not a good idea.
You committed, after much consideration, to going to meetings every day.
I am going to meetings now, Tanin. I cannot stay sober without them.... I have already proven that. I just missed a few last week, because, as I said, I do not have my license and depend on someone else to take me and that someone else was out of town. Thanks so much for caring about me, Tanin.
I am going to meetings now, Tanin. I cannot stay sober without them.... I have already proven that. I just missed a few last week, because, as I said, I do not have my license and depend on someone else to take me and that someone else was out of town. Thanks so much for caring about me, Tanin.
So, you are back to going to meetings everyday, as you committed to do?
Tanin.....
I already answered that question. I am attending meetings everyday now. I missed a few when my ride was out of town. Sorry that I was not more clear on that.
I had to give your above posting some time to think over before I posted a response because I didn't want to respond in an emotional, hyper-sensitive manner, which I have been prone to do sometimes in the past. It is not that I do not appreciate your "concern"; however, part of my problem has been when I have allowed myself to be controlled by others who although may seem concerned about my welfare on the outside, some have proven to have the need to be controlling. In previous posts I explain why I do not feel the need to explain to others my sobriety time, I also do not feel the need to give anyone in AA who appears to have the need to interrogate me on a continued basis about my program, and especially one who has for some reason the need to keep up with my exact day count as well as ---in the past---the need to go back and dredge up my past postings, (as well as information from a PM....) in a possible attempt to "catch" me contradicting myself and to "set me straight".
It is not that I do not appreciate your concern ---if it is genuine. I do have to wonder though, when we have had quite a few newcomers on here over the last few months, why when you decide to post after being "missing in action" for such a while, I am the "chosen one" you reply to. I guess it really doesn't matter and like I said before I should feel "special"....LOL...and thank you for caring about me.
Tanin..... I already answered that question. I am attending meetings everyday now. I missed a few when my ride was out of town. Sorry that I was not more clear on that.
I had to give your above posting some time to think over before I posted a response because I didn't want to respond in an emotional, hyper-sensitive manner, which I have been prone to do sometimes in the past. It is not that I do not appreciate your "concern"; however, part of my problem has been when I have allowed myself to be controlled by others who although may seem concerned about my welfare on the outside, some have proven to have the need to be controlling. In previous posts I explain why I do not feel the need to explain to others my sobriety time, I also do not feel the need to give anyone in AA who appears to have the need to interrogate me on a continued basis about my program, and especially one who has for some reason the need to keep up with my exact day count as well as ---in the past---the need to go back and dredge up my past postings, (as well as information from a PM....) in a possible attempt to "catch" me contradicting myself and to "set me straight".
It is not that I do not appreciate your concern ---if it is genuine. I do have to wonder though, when we have had quite a few newcomers on here over the last few months, why when you decide to post after being "missing in action" for such a while, I am the "chosen one" you reply to. I guess it really doesn't matter and like I said before I should feel "special"....LOL...and thank you for caring about me.
LTR, it's hardly an effort to keep apprised of your sober day count when you yourself post it multiple times. Here's a selection:
"I have three weeks of sobriety as of today." (June 12)
"Good thing is that I will have 30 days of sobriety if I make it tomorrow." (June 20)
"I just reached 30 days today." (June 21)
I'm just reading your own announcements. Like everyone else.
It's good you're back to meetings every day. That's important for one who resisted meetings for so many reasons in the past.
Hope you are communicating with your sponsor still. There were problems in that area for you as I recall. You posted several times about that.
Had to take a few days break from here....I am trying very hard to protect myself from any emotions that have had the power to get me drunk again. It is hard, as most all alcoholics know, first of all to get and stay sober again after relapsing over and over....and it is especially hard to go back to AA meetings after doing so. And one of the biggest problems I have had is not being assertive enough and setting boundaries........
I got "set straight" (sarcasm on my part...) by a member at a meeting a few days ago.....I was asked if I picked up another white chip after my last relapse. I replied "no" and was told that I am lying to the group about my sobriety time. I said "I am not lying to anyone"---I replied to this person...."you asked me the last time I drank and I told you when I did."
There is not a thing in the Big Book about picking up chips and at every meeting people handing out the chips say something like...."if you would LIKE to come up and pick up a chip". If the BB was edited to say..."It is a requirement to pick up a chip. To not do so means you are lying to the group about your sobriety time....", I wish someone would please let me know. I have actually put off going to meetings because I was embarrassed to go and pick up yet another white chip. The main thing is that I get to meetings. And if anyone has a problem with my chip decision--it ain't my problem--it's theirs.
And, in reference to the above postings...... Tanin, I am sorry...I forgot that I posted that last one you found......and thank you for taking the time to go back and read through all my many postings to locate those excerpts and setting me straight (more sarcasm on my part....). That must have taken a lot of your time. Not long ago, you restored a posting of mine that I felt uncomfortable about leaving here. There were no replies to it when I did that and this board allows us to delete our "New Topic" postings as long as there are no responses. I deleted it within a few minutes after I posted it...and like "magic" you managed to somehow someway recover it and start another posting using my deleted one---and it was a longgggg one. I don't know if you do a cut, paste and save for every single posting that is made on this board or possibly you have an astounding photographic memory! When you did this, I felt embarrassed and a bit humiliated. My postings and what I chose to leave on here or not leave on here became not my decision anymore. It was like the "hand of Tanin" has been in control.
And that was not the first time you have revived my deleted postings and you have brought up in the past exactly how many postings I deleted one day when I went on a click and delete binge! And you are not even a moderator! Wow! You guys are missing out on some great "stuff" ...LOLOL.....because I wonder ....How is Tanin going to respond to this...or another poster on here who has derived some kind of strange pleasure out of putting me down or "in my place" multiple times. You certainly have more time on your hands than I do! And I have often thought that there is a tremendous amount of "inventory taking" of me on your part. I would love to hear you share more about your story and about your own sobriety.
I went off this board in the past more than once because of this.....came back and changed my ID because I had deleted my account(s)....You even brought up me doing so and brought up my different ID names in a posting on this board--it was almost as if you were trying to "set me straight". Again, more embarrassment and humiliation...but I managed not to get upset and leave this board. I need this board to help me stay sober, Tanin. I have let yours and others' postings upset me and run me off of here but I keep coming back despite my own ego and embarrassment. I will say that I no longer feel the need to be held accountable to you, Tanin. I am taking my power back. I am accountable to God and only Him. So if I do not respond to your postings --that's why.
Had to take a few days break from here....I am trying very hard to protect myself from any emotions that have had the power to get me drunk again. It is hard, as most all alcoholics know, first of all to get and stay sober again after relapsing over and over....and it is especially hard to go back to AA meetings after doing so. And one of the biggest problems I have had is not being assertive enough and setting boundaries........
I got "set straight" (sarcasm on my part...) by a member at a meeting a few days ago.....I was asked if I picked up another white chip after my last relapse. I replied "no" and was told that I am lying to the group about my sobriety time. I said "I am not lying to anyone"---I replied to this person...."you asked me the last time I drank and I told you when I did."
There is not a thing in the Big Book about picking up chips and at every meeting people handing out the chips say something like...."if you would LIKE to come up and pick up a chip". If the BB was edited to say..."It is a requirement to pick up a chip. To not do so means you are lying to the group about your sobriety time....", I wish someone would please let me know. I have actually put off going to meetings because I was embarrassed to go and pick up yet another white chip. The main thing is that I get to meetings.And if anyone has a problem with my chip decision--it ain't my problem--it's theirs.
And, in reference to the above postings...... Tanin, I am sorry...I forgot that I posted that last one you found......and thank you for taking the time to go back and read through all my many postings to locate those excerpts and setting me straight (more sarcasm on my part....). That must have taken a lot of your time. Not long ago, you restored a posting of mine that I felt uncomfortable about leaving here. There were no replies to it when I did that and this board allows us to delete our "New Topic" postings as long as there are no responses. I deleted it within a few minutes after I posted it...and like "magic" you managed to somehow someway recover it and start another posting using my deleted one---and it was a longgggg one. I don't know if you do a cut, paste and save for every single posting that is made on this board or possibly you have an astounding photographic memory! When you did this, I felt embarrassed and a bit humiliated. My postings and what I chose to leave on here or not leave on here became not my decision anymore. It was like the "hand of Tanin" has been in control.
And that was not the first time you have revived my deleted postings and you have brought up in the past exactly how many postings I deleted one day when I went on a click and delete binge! And you are not even a moderator! Wow! You guys are missing out on some great "stuff" ...LOLOL.....because I wonder ....How is Tanin going to respond to this...or another poster on here who has derived some kind of strange pleasure out of putting me down or "in my place" multiple times. You certainly have more time on your hands than I do! And I have often thought that there is a tremendous amount of "inventory taking" of me on your part. I would love to hear you share more about your story and about your own sobriety.
I went off this board in the past more than once because of this.....came back and changed my ID because I had deleted my account(s)....You even brought up me doing so and brought up my different ID names in a posting on this board--it was almost as if you were trying to "set me straight". Again, more embarrassment and humiliation...but I managed not to get upset and leave this board. I need this board to help me stay sober, Tanin. I have let yours and others' postings upset me and run me off of here but I keep coming back despite my own ego and embarrassment. I will say that I no longer feel the need to be held accountable to you, Tanin. I am taking my power back. I am accountable to God and only Him. So if I do not respond to your postings --that's why.
Prayer is wonderful.
Definitely, LTR, the main thing is that you get to meetings. Your postings over a long period of time strongly indicate that once you start avoiding meetings, that the results are bad. This true for almost all alkies in Alcoholics Anonymous.
Instead of blaming various people and various things for various deficiencies and offenses, get to a meeting.
-- Edited by Tanin on Saturday 9th of July 2016 07:07:13 AM
Absolutely......
And my recent posting about making amends towards others who for almost a year, I blamed....is a good start to not blaming and making an effort to not let myself off the hook so easily..... no one got me drunk but ME!
And I wasn't trying to "blame" you, Tanin and sorry if it came across that way. I was just stating facts......as they affected me. I never used you personally as an excuse to drink....I don't even know you. I am not sure if you are a male, female. When I think of your name--first thing that comes in my mind is that cute little pickle often times.
I am praying "Bless (name), Change Me" to God every day, through out the day. I know that my thinking has been warped for a long time--perhaps most all of my life. I have been overly-sensitive, people pleasing, and really have been guilty of thinking some pretty nasty thoughts towards others who "harmed" me. I am working everyday to feel love and compassion toward everyone (well, maybe not so much toward really evil people in our world....) no matter what I think they "did" to me.
And Tanin, I am really sorry if I said anything in my posting which was inappropriate and caused you hurt in any way. I really know in my heart that what you are trying to do comes from a good place. If you didn't care at all...you wouldn't bother at all.
