grew up in a loving single parent household, neither parents are alcoholic. I got drunk a few times in highschool but it was when I hit 18 I really remember alcohol being a solution.
But my disease would tell me real alcoholics always remember everything of the first time they got drunk.
I felt different to other college kids, and wanted to fit in, and I felt like I did when I got drunk. But I usually drunk to blackout. Within a few months I had drunk a bottle of wine in the morning to drop off CVS, to ring a guy a liked, eventually started drinking alone.
But my disease would tell me I had very small minority of times I had one drink so I couldnt be alcoholic, even tho many alcoholics have had same
A few years later, I noticed my drinking really changed. I got insanely drunk around every second day, usually alone although I usually drunk dialled people I hardly knew to go out. I scratched my boyfriend, started using cocaine more so I could drink more. I felt empty
But my disease would tell me I didnt drink everyday so I couldnt be alcoholic (progressive illness!)
I went to a good college and thought this would be a fresh start and was determined to suceed, but the more I drank, I stopped turning up to work and college and was paralysed with fear alone in my flat. If I wasnt drinking on a massive bender I was sleeping. Consequences increased, sought out sordid places. Eventually family were worried and ambulance was called.
But my disease would tell me I was just depressed and i obviously just didnt like the course(NB-I wasnt depressed when I wasnt drinking, drinking made everything fall apart)
I was so frightened of drinking I stopped out of fear for 3 months and met my now husband. Then came insane day of next drunk. I kept trying to stop drinking but nothing worked.
-Drank on antabuse twice and was violently ill
-Went to familys to try stop and would only last a few days at a time with a sincere desire to do so, hid bottles in my room and effected my grandma's health really badly
-became agressive if someone tried to stop me drinking
-Went to hospital 4 times because of self harming and suicidal thoughts
-daily meetings for 41/2 months then still got drunk
But my disease told me it was my husbands fault, if he wasnt on my back, my drinking wouldnt be so bad-insane!!!
My disease would say I didnt drink as often in last couple of years as before so maybe not alcoholic-it was because I didnt want to drink anymore and was trying everything I could to stop!
-Tried to have a few drinks a few times and found I could not
And still my disease told me I was one of those who deliberately went out to get drunk so if I didnt want to get drunk, I wouldnt!
-Nearly lost my husband
But my disease would tell me hes overreacting, forgetting that I had no friends because my drinking drove people away and I was known as a nutter
My disease said if he left me alone I would have hit a lower physical rockbottom and therefore had a better recovery, forgetting that a rockbottom is a rockbottom and my last drink was so bad I could literally feel the 4 horsemen on me, nothing to do with him
The last drink, 21 months ago, I had no plan to drink, the thought just crossed my mind and I walked to off licence. Later tried to jump out window and tried to slash my wrists and went to psychiatric ward
My disease still said, well you werent really going to do kill yourself were you??!
So, as you can see, by writing this the reality of the situation and the insanity, I can see how cunning,baffling and powerful my disease is. As I put in my last post I have been suffering from insane thoughts (not all of the above) because I have not trusted my higher power and my head wont shut up and one thought followed another and have put my recovery in danger. I really dont want to have to hit any lower, and I need to have faith that my higher power didnt save me from drowning to be clubbed to death.
Powerful story. I can identify a lot. I never drank until over 18 and it started with binging...went to every other day and I was abstinent for a little bit and when I relapsed, it came back 10 x worse. I also drank to save my screw relationship because my partner was an alcoholic too at the time. It was total insanity. My work life was insane, my personal life was insane, my friendships were insane...
Yah...good description of the progression of the disease here. Sounds to me from your writing that you actually do have a pretty good step 1 going.
Also, neither of my parents are alcoholics...it came from uncle and grandparents who were pill addicted I guess.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 20th of January 2011 08:54:58 AM
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I relate to what you've said about the two voices... fighting for attention in my brain. My brain is like a battlefield. My sponsor once told me to make myself a sign in the house that reads,
"MY BRAIN IS NOT MY FRIEND." She wants me to see it every day.
I had to sincerely ask God for help. I had heard about that numerous times... it sounded so lame and too simple, and yet I have found it to be so true. I had to "sincerely" ask for help. I went round and round with my obsession so many times, I fell backwards repeatedly, and it got to a point when I felt that God must've surely given up on me by now. But every single time I "sincerely" asked for help, I was given a good measure of hope and heart-peace to start again. HP's love is sooo gentle, so unconditional and perfect. I came to believe in a Power Greater than that effing voice in my head... and who longs to help me, every single time I "sincerely" want the help.
Eventually, I had to do my part, I had to park my ass in the middle of the AA boat. I had to hear the message nearly round the clock to fight my obsessive thinking. When I slacked off, I was told I was hanging off the side of the boat. It was one thing to let AA pull me in.... but it was my responsibility to stay in!! Get to meetings, hang around before and after to ACCEPT the help they were offering, and to phone my sponsor daily.
Don't think. Don't drink. And get to a meeting.
I couldn't get well by doing what I had been doing, it didn't work. I had to practice something different.
-- Edited by gladlee on Thursday 20th of January 2011 10:54:53 AM
Welcome Daria. I can identify with lots of things in your story. My diesase constantly tells me I don't have it. Not as much now. I can identify with the Spiritual Malady; I suffered because my problems start when I put the bottle down. Drinking was my solution. It was only a symptom of my diesase of Alcoholism. The difference today is I have tools to arrest my diesase. Thank You God. What's your current Program look like?
Thankyou everyone!! Well I worked really hard on my program every day, did a thorough step 5 and prayed daily, close friends, secretary etc, wrote out step 8 list. Then one day I remembered there were, as my story said, a small minority of times in early days when I had one drink and then read in BB that phenomenon of craving happens every time they get drunk. I sincerely wanted to resolve this and feel like a REAL alcoholic, didnt initially make me want to drink and would have done anything not to go down there. But in a couple of weeks, my sponsor said maybe you should try some controlled drinking then and my head went mental. Ive been a complete dry drunk since. I have since found out it is completely normal for alcoholics but my head had gone so far by that point. I know this sounds all so defeatist and self pity, but I have tried praying and my sick head keeps coming back. I really dont want to have to drink to get this, it would ruin my life, all i wanted was to know if it was normal for an alcoholic to have 0.1% of time one drink and this is where it has got me. My sponsor thinks Im unwilling and said shes wasting her time. I went to her place in great hope a couple of weeks ago hoping she would be helpful, my hope and faith was on the up as I talked to other women. She said I have 3 options, try some controlled drinking, continue or find new sponsor, which all sounds reasonable and I was not prepared to take controlled drinking option. HOwever, she was quite cold and said repeately "If i were you I would just have a f**king drink, drink on me if you want, your recovery is shit really really shit, you're not even willing". Even though I did everything she said, she said I was not willing. My head is still a mess I can think of no reason right now why Im not an alcoholic, but now Im sponsorless pretty much and I have to keep going and pray for a new sponsor and I am going to meetings daily Sorry for the dry drunk rant, angry right now
Thankyou everyone!! Well I worked really hard on my program every day, did a thorough step 5 and prayed daily, close friends, secretary etc, wrote out step 8 list. Then one day I remembered there were, as my story said, a small minority of times in early days when I had one drink and then read in BB that phenomenon of craving happens every time they get drunk. I sincerely wanted to resolve this and feel like a REAL alcoholic, didnt initially make me want to drink and would have done anything not to go down there. But in a couple of weeks, my sponsor said maybe you should try some controlled drinking then and my head went mental. Ive been a complete dry drunk since. I have since found out it is completely normal for alcoholics but my head had gone so far by that point. I know this sounds all so defeatist and self pity, but I have tried praying and my sick head keeps coming back. I really dont want to have to drink to get this, it would ruin my life, all i wanted was to know if it was normal for an alcoholic to have 0.1% of time one drink and this is where it has got me. My sponsor thinks Im unwilling and said shes wasting her time. I went to her place in great hope a couple of weeks ago hoping she would be helpful, my hope and faith was on the up as I talked to other women. She said I have 3 options, try some controlled drinking, continue or find new sponsor, which all sounds reasonable and I was not prepared to take controlled drinking option. HOwever, she was quite cold and said repeately "If i were you I would just have a f**king drink, drink on me if you want, your recovery is shit really really shit, you're not even willing". Even though I did everything she said, she said I was not willing. My head is still a mess I can think of no reason right now why Im not an alcoholic, but now Im sponsorless pretty much and I have to keep going and pray for a new sponsor and I am going to meetings daily Sorry for the dry drunk rant, angry right now
I had to change sponsors too. Took me awhile, I believed I was terribly flawed, but eventually I had to accept that she was just not a good sponsor for me. She didn't even make my first birthday in recovery. That spoke volumes.
She got very impatient with me, just like yours is. She didn't seem to understand the compulsion and obsession at all. I eventually found a sponsor who did. She has helped me to believe in a Higher Power who could love me unconditionally, she is a true channel for HP, she has enough recovery to take herself (her ego) out of it.
My HP does not give up on me. My HP does not want me to drink.
I like what you are doing... going to meetings, and praying to HP for a new sponsor. Keep HP in the mix. But get a temporary sponsor in the meantime. I suffered when I sponsored myself.
-- Edited by gladlee on Thursday 20th of January 2011 11:26:52 AM
I can relate to what you're saying, I know Ive got a big resentment to her and its not right to blame her for my head but I dont need the negative "you're going to relapse, you even look like your on something right now" and "I never had a sponsee relapse but theres a first time for everything" bs. If someones going to relapse, theyre going to, Id never egg someone on like that whose trying. Theres another friend of mine whose been sober 2 years but has lots of insane moments and has problem accepting, alot worse than me, but she is accepted unconditionally and noone ever told her to try controlled drinking!! I sound like such a dry drunk! But what I do notice when i speak to other women and friends and what people say on this forum, I get alot more hope.
I dont want to relapse!! My drinking was so awful, i just need a fresh start in AA, and keep going and doing suggestions. Dont know what Im going to do about my homegroup
If you have a resentment, inventory it. Every time you get a resentment... inventory it. See your part, and grow from it. It's not about what a lame sponsor she may be that you really care about, who cares about her?!! You are powerless over her, put her in your God box. You want to do something constructive with your thinking, about what you can change... you.
You have choices. Focus on your healthy choices today, make a list. I do know this, what I focus on....... gets bigger!!
Gladlee, Yes your right, my sponsor said I shouldnt write things out at moment bc Im on step 1, but I should do something about it, resentments kill right?
hi Daria this is what my rehab counselor told me before i got out. read your big book, try out different meetings, look for a woman who has a similar story to yours or is someone with a lot of time sober, whom you respect. don't think your problems are going to disappear when you start the steps. the steps help you deal with those problems and a sponsor will be someone to call before i go out to buy a drink. do the steps with a sponsor. the goal is to do the steps, not to do them "perfectly" (trying to reach perfection with each step will make you just as crazy as not doing them.) just 'do them' as best you can... you will do the steps more than once in your lifetime to learn new things about yourself and sobriety. it gets easier and better each time. the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions helped me a lot with doing my steps. take care and big hugs. jj/sheila
hi Daria this is what my rehab counselor told me before i got out. read your big book, try out different meetings, look for a woman who has a similar story to yours or is someone with a lot of time sober, whom you respect. don't think your problems are going to disappear when you start the steps. the steps help you deal with those problems and a sponsor will be someone to call before i go out to buy a drink. do the steps with a sponsor. the goal is to do the steps, not to do them "perfectly" (trying to reach perfection with each step will make you just as crazy as not doing them.) just 'do them' as best you can... you will do the steps more than once in your lifetime to learn new things about yourself and sobriety. it gets easier and better each time. the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions helped me a lot with doing my steps. take care and big hugs. jj/sheila
So incredibly well said. When I came in, I'd hear these stories about people living blissful lives and I thought if I do that, then I'll lead a perfect life too. Took me a long time to realize that the program doesn't change the world, it changes our ability to cope with the world. I still forget that sometimes, and wonder why God hasn't made my world perfect for me. Just shows that as long as I'm alive, I'll need this program.
And Daria, glad to hear that you don't have that sponsor anymore.
I'm with Gladlee about your sponsor. I have always taken the program very seriously, go to a meeting every day and work the steps, do everything that is suggested to me. I relapsed and was so angry with myself, so frustrated, really in need of understanding and encouragement, and when I called my first sponsor to tell her her response was, "Call me when you're ready to start taking the Program seriously" and hung up on me.
Sponsors aren't trained counselors, they're just people, there are good ones and bad ones.
My current sponsor is wonderful. Her support and guidance in helping me work the steps has made my program 10x better than it was with the first sponsor.
Aloha Daria...Great that you brought that here and laid it out for others to look at and remember and then share. I remembered an elder sponsor telling me that the disease of alcoholism affects my mind, body, spirit and emotions and that if I wasn't recovering on all 4 levels all at the same time I wasn't recovering. That became a goal for me taking the program from one level to the next until I could hear and feel and see the balance like one of those top toys I had as a child.
The mental level took me a while of work cause the alcohol had pretty well done in what hadn't been working right on it's own all the while. So I learned good about how to turn off voices and personalities that were there and not real and then I arrived at "I am responsible for what I think" and knew I was supposed to be in control of what went on in that circus tent. I got rid of all of the clowns and elephants and horses and jugglers and high wire artists and bicycle riders and canned the big ring announcer. Getting rid of the saw dust was pleasureable work for me along with taking down the tent. There is no clutter anymore and I can be responsible without falling over or bumping into anything. The performers only show up in the early morning looking for work and once I am finished with the 3rd step prayer and make sure my meditation is intact I'm back to responsible for what I think.
The emotional level was huge recovery also as I started to identify "feelings" which was which and what one was I feeling at anyone time. That was rocket science because I am male and come from a center of analytical rather than empathetic. I use to more often say "I think" rather than "I feel". Didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know...dumb as a stick. I discovered that I was fear based, black and white, closely held, off or on, up or down, no margins. Fear was the basis of why I drank the way I drank...alone in the corner anti social and angry...Fear is the reason I suffered from nightmares well into my 60's and why I was violent, suspicious, paranoid and aggressive.
I learned the connection between my thinking and feelings and that my emotional reactions were based upon the thoughts and perceptions I use to let run around in my head and AA gave me an acronym to help me get the process straight. I am forever grateful for "(F)alse (E)vidence (A)ppearing (R)eal. My head wasn't working with real facts and feelings aren't real facts. My brain was my Higher Power for a long time until I found the switch to it. Today I have an off/on switch connected to it and I get to turn it on as I need it and off when I don't. Since I never hardly ever used it well it's pretty brand new and I could probably get a handsome price for it cause I still got the original box also.
Yes you're right it's mostly all lies except for the thoughts that I am going to make the meeting, listen learn follow what other successful old timers are doing and then stand up put my right foot in front of my left and so on. I was told early on that this is a simple program for complicated people. Not as long as I'm in reach of the "off" switch.
If you don't trust your own thinking...use someone elses. (((hugs)))
Oh and by the way, I don't remembr the first time I drank or got drunk. I was in college probably. I didn't start drinking a lot until I was in my mid-20s and started realizing my marriage had probably been a mistake. I also had "just one" plenty of times. I am definitely an alcoholic. I could list out the many reasons why and I am confident you would agree. )
