I recall early on when someone would give me praise I would often say no , it's nothing, so then they would reinforce the praise.
It was pointed out to me that I must really like praise, becuase I keep on asking for it. I was told to accept the praise with a straightforward thank you. This is what I try to do.
On my office wall I have several 'improving' texts. One reads
'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others' - my version is incorrectly attributed to Nelson Mandela - apparantly he used it in a speech - the emboldment is mine.
So when someone pays you a compliment, gives you praise, recognises your talents, just say thanks, don't dissemble and force them to repeat the praise, that's just selfishness.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Hey Bill, good topic. The answer is that if our self esteem and self worth is low, then we're not going to accept praise and compliments. If I think that I'm a turd, than how are you going to convince me otherwise? It's an inside job to fix this through positive affirmation. I highly recommend reading "Daily affirmations for Adult Children". Perfectionism also plays into this. I had a Navy Commander for a father and I could never do things well enough to gain his approval, and more correctly stated, he was incapable of giving approval or unconditional love. That's also a problem for most us, that we're unable to give or receive unconditional love because we're performance driven thinking that we have to work to earn our love. Now this a big problem if we are conditioned to reject unconditional love, and we think we need to work hard for praise and love, then we're unable to accept praise for our deeds and work because we are too perfectionistic or our self esteem tells us that we don't deserve it. The other problem with having an alcoholic parent (a lot of us did) that wouldn't give us approval (or wasn't there to give it) is that we get set up, emotionally, to seek out people (and situations) that won't give us love, praise, or approval because it's a familiar role for us. And plays nicely, into reinforcing a victim role, that a lot of us comfortably identify with, and if anyone is interested, I'll write more about my Hero, Savior, Martyr, Victim progression.
*giggling* I accept praise now very willingly from others (thanks to the program!) ..........infact I DEMAND it!!! No! Not really!!!!
I also praise myself when I have done things well or done good and I also have a word (gentle but firm!) with myself when I mess up! For me it's all to do with honesty - an honest inventory.
I say I accept praise willingly now.......I do, I just say "thank you" BUT woe betide anyone who is praising me simply to manipulate or control me.......aha! now THAT'S a different story!! THEY don't get a thank you! Just a grimace!!!!
People who look for constant praise I agree are being selfish - I share a flat(apartment) with someone who constantly looks for Brownie points............yawn! ZZzzz.....
Love Louisa
P.S Yes please Dean......more about your progression please.......always looking to learn ! (good or bad!!)
-- Edited by louisa on Friday 23rd of April 2010 08:41:48 AM
Dean put it well I had trouble with praise for a long time and it definately was low self esteem in my case. I used positive affirmations myself and today I am usually better at giving a simple thank you. Usually being the key word as I am still getting better.
I don't have to belittle praise or give excuses. Just a simple thank you is best.
Part of it comes from the realization that you do not have to be perfect for people to like you. That was an eye opener for me.
Larry, ----------------------- "Did you ever see an unhappy horse? Did you ever see a bird that had the blues? One reason why birds and horses are not unhappy is because they are not trying to impress other birds and horses." --Dale Carnegie
-- Edited by Larry_H on Friday 23rd of April 2010 09:29:15 AM
The flip side is the mean things people can say that slip under our guard and go straight through to pierce our heart and wound us for our entire life, from parents, to things loved ones have said, to total strangers
While the compliment goes unheeded and unheard, bounces off our chest like we are Superman and lays on the floor until we stomp it into oblivion
In my experience, this process is an unconscious one, and continues off and on for many many years in sobriety, this is a topic I have discussed many many times over the last few decades with my brothers and sisters trudging the road with me.
What actually helped me was doing a good deed every day for 30 days and if you tell anyone it doesn't count, it made me realize how many things I actually did for praise, how because I suffered from low self esteem I was starved for honest praise and how many supposedly "good" actions I took were unconsciously looking for approval.
If someone would have pointed that out, I would have denied it vehemently and believed it, but by taking that action of doing something nice and not getting caught made me realize how much once again I was trying to fix my insides with outside stuff.
When myself or anyone "deflects" praise, it is because in their heart of hearts they don't believe they deserve it, and in my opinion are deserving of our love, and that is why in AA we say we will love you until you learn to love yourself.
I had a sponsor that used to say all the time "You want self esteem kid? Then do esteemable acts!!!!!"
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
What actually helped me was doing a good deed every day for 30 days and if you tell anyone it doesn't count, it made me realize how many things I actually did for praise, how because I suffered from low self esteem I was starved for honest praise and how many supposedly "good" actions I took were unconsciously looking for approval.
My journey too AGO ! It was a revelation to me! Not a nice one....but a useful one!
I am getting better at it, if ever I was told, "love that dress/skirt/top/whatever", I'd say, 'Oh it's from a charity shop, I only paid 2 quid for it' Did I need to say that? Wouldn't a simple 'Oh thanks for saying so' have been better?
Also I had an answer for whenever anyone said, 'oh God, you look so nice today' I'd ask, 'Do I - does that mean I didn't look nice last time you saw me?'
I try not to do this today, but this depends on how spiritually sound I am at the time, but, progress NOT perfection eh? The progress is I can spot when I am saying/doing the wrong thing.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
