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Post Info TOPIC: JOKES


Senior Member

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JOKES
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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is
 leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette,
 with a satisfied smile on its face.
 
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet,
 rolls over, and says, 'Well, I guess we finally
 answered THAT question.'


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Serenity,

jasperkent


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A duck walks into a grocery store and asks the clerk "Do you have any gwapes?". The store clerk says "No". The duck comes back the next day and asks "Do you have any gwapes?". The store clerk replies "No". The duck comes back the following day "Do you have any gwapes?". The store clerk says "No and if you come in here and ask again, I am going to staple your feet to the floor!" The duck comes in the next day and asks "Do you have any staples?". The store clerk replies "No". The duck says "Good, do you have any gwapes?".

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After the husbands fifth trip to the host's bar for refills,
the wife said, "Aren't you embarrassed to go back so many times?"
Hubby: Nope. I keep telling them it's for you.

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kj


Veteran Member

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A widower is at the funeral home receiving guests. His wife was killed in an unfortunate accident, their donkey had reared up and kicked her in the head.

The minister notices every time a woman speaks to him he shakes his head yes, and everytime a man speaks to him he shakes his head no. The minister takes him aside and asks him what they are saying...

"Well the women are expressing their condolences and telling me how wonderful my wife was and I am shaking my head in agreement and understanding. The men, well, they want to know if the donkey is for sale."

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kj


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@ StPeteDean ----I LOVE that joke! Brought back fond memories of my daughters telling it and how funny they sounded saying "Gwapes"

Thanks!



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MIP Old Timer

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Kj, the joke reminds me of how stubborn (and one track minded) alcoholics are. smile.gif

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kj


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SPD: And at the same time -- still cunning (Do you have any staples? No? Good, then do you have any gwapes?)

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MIP Old Timer

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A chicken walks into a library saying 'buk, bukbuk, bukbukbuk, buk', so the librarian passes the chicken a book. The chicken walks out with the book under her wing happily clucking buk, bukbuk, bukbukbuk, buk buk, buk and meets the frog who says............






reddit.

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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got.
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When all else fails - RTFM



MIP Old Timer

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kj wrote:

SPD: And at the same time -- still cunning (Do you have any staples? No? Good, then do you have any gwapes?)




That part is so appealing as it represents the snubbing of a wannabe authority figure lol



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MIP Old Timer

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Q: What does a Green Beret and Yoko Ono have in common?

A: They can both live off of dead beatles.

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I alone can do it...but I can't do it alone.



MIP Old Timer

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This man and this sort of funny looking little yellow dog, walk into a pool hall where they serve food, he sits down at the end of this resturant counter with his yellow dog, and orders a Hamburger and a coke.

He starts noticing some men at the other end of this long counter snickering at him and his little yellow dog. He noticed that one of the men had a doberman pincher with him.

When they would not stop, he finally says, "hey, I would appreciate it if you would stop with the jokes down there, OK?

Well that makes the men get even louder with their snickers and laughing.

The man is now pretty irritated and says, "Ok, that's enough, one more chuckle out of you guys, and I will meet you outside, with our dogs, ok???"

The men that were laughing, get louder, and say, ok, pal, let's take it outside....

So they all go out into the alley behind the store, and before anyone has a chance to do anything, this man's little yellow dog jumps on the doberman, tearing his legs off and then goes for his juglar, and as the Doberman lays there dying, he looks up at the man, and says
hey Mister, what kind of dog is that?

The man, smiling a little now, says, well before I cut his tail off and painted him yellow, he was an Alligator........ biggrin


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MIP Old Timer

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That's a really funny  joke, but it is a little  dated by the dobby. Freshen it up a bit by substituting pit bull lol.

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 16th of November 2009 07:49:33 PM

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An alcoholic had sworn off drink for the hundredth time to his wife. She told him this was his very last chance. He did fine for a couple of weeks but the day came when he stopped in a bar after work with his buddies. Sure enough, one drink led to dozens. He even threw up all over his shirt.
"What will I do now?" he asked his pals, "She'll see this and KNOW I've been drinking!"
"No problem," said one, "tell her you stopped here with us and only drank soft drinks but a drunk puked on you. To make it believable, stick a $10 bill in your front pocket and say he offered to pay for the dry cleaning."
"I'll do it!" the alkie exlaimed.
When he got home, his wife was about to yell at him, but he held up his hand and explained he was innocent but a drunk puked on him.
"See? he even gave me ten dollars to pay for dry cleaning," he said, reaching in his pocket and waving money.
The wife frowned and said "Why are you holding TWO $10 bills?"
"Oh that....he $#!t in my pants, too."

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Serenity,

jasperkent


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An alcoholic walked into a bar and read a sign that read "All you can drink for $1.00.
The alcoholic said "I'll have $2.00 worth please"



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A drunk walks in the front door of a bar and yells "Bartender, gimme a drink!"
The bartender says "Sir, you're already intoxicated. I can't serve you."
The drunk grumbles and walks out the front door.
A few minutes later, he comes in the side door yelling  "Bartender, gimme a drink!"
The bartender says "I already told you...you're drunk and I can't serve you!"
The drunk grumbles and walks out the side door.
A few minutes later he comes in the back door yelling "Bartender, gimme a drink!"
The bartender says "Look, buddy, I told you twice you're too drunk and if you don't leave now I'm calling the law!"
The drunk looks at him, awestruck. Finally, he asks "Just how many bars do you work in, anyway?"

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jasperkent


MIP Old Timer

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Jasper that reminds me of Monty Python pet shop skit.  biggrin



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MIP Old Timer

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Dean,
I watched a bit of a Monty Python biography series, where John Cleese said that The Dead Parrot was his favorite skit.

So...
Q: How many AA's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, unless the light bulb really wants to change.


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I alone can do it...but I can't do it alone.



MIP Old Timer

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Oh yea, my high school friends and I used to get chineese eyed and watch it in the '70's. They had several versions of that skit. One was very elaborate where John Cleese got sent across town several times to different shops. Great stuff, that, the lumber jack skit, and the "twit olympics".

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Senior Member

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Man, does that bring back memories! Fuzzy ones, but funny. I was turned on to MP in college.
We laughed till we cried.

My favorite skit is Argument Clinic.
My favorite scene is from Holy Grail when Arthur is talking to the peasants.

Good stuff.



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Serenity,

jasperkent


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Two alkies are fishing on a lake. A genie appears and grants them one wish. One guy blurts out "Turn the lake into beer!" SHAZAM! It happens.
The other alkie, always discontented, says "Oh, great. Now we have to piss in the boat."

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Serenity,

jasperkent


MIP Old Timer

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My favorite MP skit is the rich old men one-upping each other with how hard their childhoods were.
My favorite movie scene is Life of Brian, Latin Grammar at swordpoint.

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I alone can do it...but I can't do it alone.



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Excellent MP favorites, Aquaman!
















  ********WARNING!!!*******

FOUL LANGUAGE AHEAD!

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IDEOLOGY SHIT LIST

Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say "Shit happens."
Buddhism: Shit happens, but not really.
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
Baptist: When shit happens, everybody will go to Hell except us.
Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
Unitarian: Come let us reason together about this shit.
Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
Jehovah's Witness: [KNOCK KNOCK] Shit happens.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Scientology: If shit happens, see Dianetics, p.157
Rastafarianism: Smoke that shit!
Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happened, maybe not.
Atheism: I can't believe this shit.
Nihilism: No shit.

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS: Accept that shit happens-- One Day At A Time!











I love you all.
Glad you're here.
Keep coming back!



-- Edited by jasperkent on Friday 20th of November 2009 11:58:21 AM

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Serenity,

jasperkent


Senior Member

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Hope I didn't offend everybody.

If so, I'm truly sorry.

Love ya.
Glad yer here.
Keep coming back.

__________________
Serenity,

jasperkent


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So an alky is back in a city where he used to live and finds his favorite old bar. He gets good and drunk and decides he'd like to visit a cathouse he used to frequent.
Staggering down the street he thinks he's found the correct house, although there is no red light burning. He walks into the house and finds the hallway dark. Undeterred, he makes his way to a kitchen, where a woman is washing dishes. He pulls out his wallet, unzips his pants and asks "How much, baby?" She screams. Her husband dashes into the room and beats the drunk up. Then he drags him out the front door and throws him down the steps onto the sidewalk. The husband is still enraged and screams at him "You're a degenerate, pathetic, worthless, damned drunk!"
The alky, battered and bleeding, looks up to him from the sidewalk and says "Yeah? Well, you don't know shit about running a whorehouse!"





Love ya.
Glad yer here.
Keep coming back.

-- Edited by jasperkent on Sunday 22nd of November 2009 10:17:14 AM

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Serenity,

jasperkent


Veteran Member

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For New Years we are planning a joke telling session:

You might be an alcoholic if.... you laugh when you hear "if I could just drink like regular people, I would drink everyday!"



Can anyone think of more you might be an alcoholic if.... jokes?




Stephanie

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<3 <3 Stephanie <3 <3
"What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things instead of using people and loving things."


Veteran Member

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oops that was supposed to say "If I could drink like regular people, I would get drunk every night!"

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<3 <3 Stephanie <3 <3
"What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things instead of using people and loving things."


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YOU MIGHT BE AN ALCOHOLIC IF...

You're fond of the saying "It's 5 o'clock somewhere."

You don't lose your car keys-- you lose your car.

The stranger you wake up with is not the same sex as s/he was the night before.

You know what the barrel of a gun tastes like.

You're telling the truth when you say "I don't recall."

You consider beer to be the Breakfast of Champions.

You wake up to blue lights in the rearview mirror.

You think the pill bottle warning label "ALCOHOL MAY INTENSIFY THIS EFFECT" is a serving suggestion.

When the doctor advises clear fluids, you drink vodka.

The song that best describes your mornings is "Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On."

 
Love ya.
Glad yer here.
Keep coming back.



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Serenity,

jasperkent


Newbie

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jasperkent wrote:

YOU MIGHT BE AN ALCOHOLIC IF...

You're fond of the saying "It's 5 o'clock somewhere."

You don't lose your car keys-- you lose your car.

The stranger you wake up with is not the same sex as s/he was the night before.

You know what the barrel of a gun tastes like.

You're telling the truth when you say "I don't recall."

You consider beer to be the Breakfast of Champions.

You wake up to blue lights in the rearview mirror.

You think the pill bottle warning label "ALCOHOL MAY INTENSIFY THIS EFFECT" is a serving suggestion.

When the doctor advises clear fluids, you drink vodka.

The song that best describes your mornings is "Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On."

 You wake up fully clothed and yell out: Hey, who took a shit in my pants last night?

Love ya.
Glad yer here.
Keep coming back.


 



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MIP Old Timer

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Funny stuff everyone, thanks.



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Mr.David


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Here's one I like to use when I'm the speaker at a speaker meeting:

 

What happens when you play a country music record backwards?

Your wife comes back, your dog comes back, you get your job back, and you get sober.biggrin



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MIP Old Timer

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Love It WJQ, LOL ... (I'm moving back to Music City USA (Nashville) next week ... Home of country music, you're post hits home with me and is so true, thanks) ... and Welcome to MIP ... we're glad you found us ... looking forward to your ESH here ... Welcome to the 'family' ...


Love ya man and God Bless,
Pappy



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"Life offers no guarantees ... just choices; no certainty ... but consequences; no predictable outcomes ... just the privilege of pursuit."    -Tim Conner

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