Working with sponsee's

soberjulie · Veteran Member

Working with sponsee's

Avril G · Senior Member

I only allow sponsees THREE dramatic phone calls on the very same topic before giving them an ultimatum - either do the steps or stay in the problem, I can be better off helping someone who does want to go forward and do the footwork necessary to bring about a solution.

Some people may find this contraversial, since this is not conference approved stuff, but I use this site to help me sponsor people, these step guides are brilliant, written by alcoholics for acoholics, and for me, I use whatever works, and everyone who has used them agree they got a good understanding of the steps.

They can be found here http://www.sober.org/

I also use the Minnesota method for the fourth step, as this is the thing which worked for me. http://www.lakeweb1.com/mrp/literature/Step4.htm Having taken a sponsee thorugh the first 3 steps, I send them away with their fourth step inventory and give them 2 months max to get it done then do step 5.

I hope my posting these links is not goign against any protocol of this site, and if so I apologise, please jump on me if I am out of order posting them, but I ike to share as many different ways of doing things and give others the same choice, whatever gets me and anyone else sober needs to be shared IMHO.

The worst thing I ever heard in any AA meeting was from a guy at 5 years sober (I was 2 years sober and had done all the stepwork once over as I had a good sponsor) This guy new to AA said, 'I don't know what to do about the steps, what are they and how can I get started on them?' and this guy of 5 years said, 'OH, don't worry about the steps just yet, wait till you've been around a while and you're feeling a bit better before you start worrying about the steps. disbelief furious

I told hjim in no uncertain terms that what he'd said was bull***t and that if I had waited ti I was 'a bit better' before starting on the steps, I'd be drunk for sure, and possibly dead. The steps are there so we can get batter I don't know of anyone who has stayed sober for long by not doing the steps till they felt better.

DO THE STEPS - Feel Better In the words of Alexander da Meerkat - SIMPLES!!

SOBRIETY ROCKS

ljc · MIP Old Timer

I guide women I sponsor thru the steps via the BB. sentence by sentence, page by page, chapter by chapter. Its the way I was taught, and its the way I learned. Im thankful for a good sponsor.

If it were me and I was in your shoes Julie ... Id tell the gal to call me when she was ready to start the steps. And then Id let it go and pray for Her.

Good for you Julie for helping Others !!

carlasober · Senior Member

When working with sponsees, I find that using the suggestions that is found in Chapter 7 "Working With Others"(89-103) in the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous is often helpful. When I am not sure about "how to" or "what to do" when working with others, this is where I turn to. Also, calling my sponsor helps too. I was in that situation not too long ago. Self creeped in(wanting to force her to get on with the steps). I prayed and ask God for directions on what to do. I went to Chapter 7 on page 95 "If he is not interested in your solution, if he expects you to act only as a banker for his financial difficulties or NURSE FOR HIS SPREES,(you can go and a spree without drinking) you may have to drop him until he changes his mind. This he may do after he gets hurt some more." I talked with the young lady that i was working with and told her that when she gets finished doing the other things that she was doing, I am willing and able to take her through the steps. We still talk each day. I had to allow her to be where she was at. I had been where she was(not willing and afraid) until I got hurt some more. Then I became willing to do whatever. Leave the light on for her and pray for her.

Bob K · Senior Member

When I have a sponsee who doesn't do the steps and only wants to call and cry and whine about how bad things are, I tell them to work the steps do a 4th step and things will change untill then I can't help them Remember you can't help the needy you can only help the willing. Until a person is willing to do what ever it takes nothing we do can help. There is a thin line between helping and enabling. I have no right to circumvent their pain when it hurts bad enough they will become willing to take some action and help themselves.

soberjulie · Veteran Member

All very helpful and insightful stuff....thankyou so much folks.
Im gonna check out those links, thanks so much for them. Im gonna go back and read "working with others" again (and again, and again ) and keep my own sponsor abreast of this stuff. I dont want self creeping in and she's my best defence against that.
Again, much apprecited folks!

angelov8 · MIP Old Timer

great thread, I'll have to bookmark this for future reference.

Avril G · Senior Member

angelov8 wrote:

great thread, I'll have to bookmark this for future reference.

OH, why dint I think of that?

Thanx for this, there's some fantastic stuff on this site, and I usually end up trying to remember where I saw that, and often lose the plot. I'm gonna start bookmarking now, thanx

biggrin

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

My sponsor had me on the first 3 steps this whole year. My take on this is different, but I bet it will change when I actuall do mor stepwork. I only know from my experience that I had to clean up a bunch of wreckage, I totally hated myself, I could not see the world clearly at all and this lasted quite some time. I don't know that I needed to go this slow with steps, but I'm not sure I would have been able to really get what I needed out of them early on. There is no reason not to be working and reworking steps 1 through 3 in the early stages though. Those are a foundation and that needs to be really strong before moving forward. I hear so many people say that step 4 took them out and that seems to me that they were probably moving way too fast cuz obviously step 4 wouldn't take a person out if they did a super thorough step 1, 2, and 3.

I also made several drama filled calls to my sponsor the entire year so I dunno what is right really. I would remind her or introduce her to the idea that living in chaos and drama is what we are used to and we create drama and chaos in the first year (or maybe more) because that is the nature of the disease. Nobody could have told me at the time that my "problems" weren't real and I would have gotten pissed off if they did. Actually, they were real problems and I'm glad my sponsor listened to the degree he did...it took a long time to see that my reaction to the problems was overdramatic and out of whack. I would never tell anyone to just wait and feel better before doing work in the program. I might tell them to attend 7 meetings a week without fail, start doing service, and keep actively practicing and writing about steps 1 through 3. A person on step 8 or whatever at 1 month is likely paying lip service in my opinion. They gotta do step 1 so thorough cuz that is the one that has to last them forever.

Yvon P · Newbie

As far as I can tell, there is only one problem a REAL alkie has and that's lack of power in our ability to choose and control our drinking;

As far as I can tell, a REAL alkie is beyond human aid;

As far as I can tell, there is only one solution to a REAL alkie's problem and that is a spiritual experience;

As far as I can tell, the Steps are the only means by which a REAL alkie can get that spiritual experience, at least through Alcoholics Anonymous;

As far as I can tell, the "purpose" of the Big Book is to show other alcoholics precisely how we recovered;

As far as I can tell, the main "object" of the Big Book is to enable us to find a Power Greater than ourselves which will solve our problem;

As far as I can tell, all of the "recovered" alkies in the early days went through those Steps as soon and as quickly as they could;

And as far as I can tell, once a REAL alkie has the required spiritual experience and the phenomenon of craving (obsession) is removed, he/she can stay sober and alive long enough to sort out all of the other issues he/she may have!

Yvon P.
recovered alcoholic
The Anderson Lake Group
Espanola, Ontario, Canada

-- Edited by Yvon P on Thursday 22nd of October 2009 10:35:18 AM

Rob84 · MIP Old Timer

carlasober wrote:

When working with sponsees, I find that using the suggestions that is found in Chapter 7 "Working With Others"(89-103) in the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous is often helpful. When I am not sure about "how to" or "what to do" when working with others, this is where I turn to. Also, calling my sponsor helps too. I was in that situation not too long ago. Self creeped in(wanting to force her to get on with the steps). I prayed and ask God for directions on what to do. I went to Chapter 7 on page 95 "If he is not interested in your solution, if he expects you to act only as a banker for his financial difficulties or NURSE FOR HIS SPREES,(you can go and a spree without drinking) you may have to drop him until he changes his mind. This he may do after he gets hurt some more." I talked with the young lady that i was working with and told her that when she gets finished doing the other things that she was doing, I am willing and able to take her through the steps. We still talk each day. I had to allow her to be where she was at. I had been where she was(not willing and afraid) until I got hurt some more. Then I became willing to do whatever. Leave the light on for her and pray for her.

Thank-You. Good stuff Carla

There is more written on the 12 th step, working with others than any other step, and I would bet this one of the least read chapters.

As a sponsor and someone who has seen a lot of miracles enter the rooms, everyone is different some guys are ready for 4 and 5 at 6 mos and some are not.

Forcing the issue usually does not work that well, and you get a poor attempt from someone who is still in a fog.

Upon being asked to sponsor someone my 1st question is "what are you willing to do to stay sober"?

If you don't get the right response, I offer to help them the best I can, but they are not ready to have a sponsor.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

I still think a foundation for sobriety is what is most important in 1 year, but that's just my opinion. If all this was about was steps and my sponsor alone, it would not have worked. Those are all part of something larger that worked...a complete lifestyle switch or rather psychic change. It was a spiritual experience in retrospect, but it occurred and strengthened over time, and it will hopefully grow stronger. It did not come from just working the steps. It came from the broad overall participation and immersion in everything AA has to offer to me. This included some stepwork, calling my sponsor daily, attending 90/90 and then 5 to 6 meetings a week thereafter, starting to do service, making new friends, fellowshipping, calling other alcoholics, building a better support network, going to a conferences, and walking through fears without drinking on a regular basis. This has been what worked for me thus far. All of AA and not just parts of it. The AA lifestyle and the solution is in the steps, but a person has to get busy living it while working it at the same time. Again, just my opinion and opinions are like... LOL

Mark

Avril G · Senior Member

Well said Mark, that sounds just about right to me.

angelov8 · MIP Old Timer

These posts make me ever more grateful for my experienced and wise sponsor who has said that what different people need is different. HP will help us know. I work the steps at the pace that works best for me and don't concern myself with what is working for others, meaning that using a single type yardstick for measurement doesn't make sense. I do see how most of the suggestions are available in the BB. How I get there is unique. My story is my own. And yet is has some commonality with every other person. So, how fast the steps are worked is individual. When I have a sponsee I know that HP and the BB (and all of you, as a vehicle) will help me know how to guide them. AND I now have this page bookmarked so I can go back and be reminded.

I go at my own pace, but I definitely check in and talk with my sponsor about how I am working on things. The last few posts remind me of a supposed story someone has told a couple of times about a place where AA is either new or greatly desired. I think she indicated Iran, maybe? Where people are gathering in huge groups and working through the first three steps in a matter of hours. And then turning around and sponsoring others through the first three. This is probably an exageration and I'm in no way sure of the country location so don't quote me at all. If anyone can confirm this type of situation, I'd love to hear more. I guess there's no AA base to draw from and an large desire for the program, so like some of the founders, moved quickly through the steps, at least the early steps. I can't imagine this type of situation. Makes me wonder if there is a huge group spiritual charge that is large enough to motivate the individual, or if living in such an individualized society, I can even wrap my head around that one.

-- Edited by angelov8 on Saturday 24th of October 2009 02:36:28 AM

Ginger · Newbie

I have a sponsee that's wearing me out with riding her all over the place and having to listen to all her drama. Where in the big book or 12 and 12 are these difficulties talked about? I've searched and am unable to find.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to MIP Ginger, ...

10 years ago when I really got involved with our AA program, my sponsor said we have to change the way we think, the way we see things ... and for me, I researched all the books Bill W used to formulate the recovery process ... there are 2 books that had a great impact on me ... they helped me see a different world, or at least see things differently ... I highly suggest that you get your troubled sponsee to read these 2 books if at all possible ... (They'd be great for you too if you haven't already read them ... )(or read them again) ... They are :

"The Greatest Thing in the World" by Henry Drummond ... .... ... and

"The Sermon on the Mount" by Emmet Fox ... ... ...

These books plus all those associated with AA changed my life ... they work miracles ...

Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy