Well, now I know why they say don't get in a relationship in your first year. Just found out I was being cheated on the whole time by my so called boyfriend this last 8 months. Thankfully, my first thoughts are not about getting fucked up. I feel really sad, scared, and like a fool. Again, my insights into others are seem usually keen but I make really bad choices for myself. Having an easier time fathoming being single than when I came into the rooms. I guess what it boils down to in this moment is that my sobriety date matters more to me than anything. To hell with the relationship...he can eat crap and die for being such an incredible liar, but damned if I'm going back to being a pitiful drunk over this. I would rather be a bitter homo with trust issues now thanks to this situation. (that was sort of a joke even though I really do feel like crap).
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(((((Pinkchip)))))...Better that you go back to being a child of God (as you understand God) and sober than anything else. "We are not humans trying to live spiritually but spirit trying to live as humans."
In support.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 31st of July 2009 12:11:34 AM
Sounds like you are handling the emotional stuff pretty well, not getting into the "I'll show you I'll hurt me", type thinking.
It's not a bad thing to spend some time alone, focusing on getting better and getting to know yourself. I'm sure it will work out for the best.
I made some dumb dating/relationship choices early in soberiety that caused emotional havoc. For me, if the relationship messes with my peace of mind it has to go. Finally after 12 years sober I met a nice Jewish girl in the rooms and we have been happily married 10 years now.
She won't "put out" for me, so I totally trust she won't for anyone else LOL
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
look at it as a "practice relationship". You'll have a few more of those before you find your ideal long term. You have to become that healthy person that you want to attract. And we need to pick people that we are not ordinarily attracted to. I don't mean physically, but situationally (is that a word?). I tended to pick people that I could help (or fix) to be needed in the relationship, as some sort of sick guaranty. My sponsor pushed me into dating often and ending relationships early to learn how to end relationships. And if I was really attracted to someone to run. lol. What I figured out was that I was not attracted to very independent types because they didn't need me. and those are really who we are looking for (minimum drama)
Dean
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Friday 31st of July 2009 06:55:21 AM
Pinkchip, I'm proud of you man. Goes to show you the program is working. In the past you would've reacted negatively to the resentment, which would've done you no good and wouldn't have changed the situation. I like your strength here, to detach and let his shit be his own, but take care of yourself. His actions have nothing to do with your self worth. This happened for a reason, be patient, God will reveal more.......
The relationship started from a weak spot for me. It started from fear of being alone and it stayed that way. I rationalized repeatedly that I needed to accept things that were not acceptable to me. The writing was on the wall the whole time and I didn't want to see it. The most difficult part of it all is just being lied to like that (repeatedly). Like hearing "I'm just looking for someone to grow old with" and then finding out...um...no, you are looking for someone to be around when you want company while simultaneously looking for a whole bunch of other people to screw you because you're a sick sex addict. Gag. Makes me want to vomit.
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I can relate to your thoughts and feelings. I was in a relationship and close to the end, i found out that he was lying throughout the whole relationship. I was filled with anger and because i did not work the steps on it imediately and daily, it turned into a resentment, which is the number one offender. When i got tired of blaming him for his cheating and lying(tortuing myself), i became willing to look at the part that i played in it. I worked the steps on it and swallowed some big chunks of truth about myself. I was also lying and cheating , not in the fashion that he was but i was doing it in some form or fashion. When i saw the "red flags" i lied to myself and said, im over re-acting. I cheated my own self out of peace of mind. My instincts went wild due to the character defects that i was displaying. I was selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, frighten and inconsiderate. When i saw the whole truth about myslf in this situation, then and only then, i was able to move on. The funny thing about it was that i owed him an amends. Reguardless of what he did, the inventory is mine, not the other man. I did that and i am free. Today i am able to trust people because of my trust and relationship in God. Thanks for sharing, Keep Coming back. This too shall pass.
I feel for you so much. Relationships are just so damn hard. It's like on one side you know you can be independent, but on the other you want the comfort and love from your partner. Its so hard, but just try and remember that it coud be worse. It's so hard, so very hard, But you will meet someone. Someone will come along to take all of you pain away, Just give it time.....maybe a long time. You will soon for get all of this.
I feel for you so much. Relationships are just so damn hard. It's like on one side you know you can be independent, but on the other you want the comfort and love from your partner.
I've found that those feelings set me up to be needy and I'm the one that needs to give myself comfort and love. Once I was able to supply those things to myself, I was able to love my significant other out a deep respect for their personal qualities such as honesty, integrity, ettiquete, conduct, maturity, independence... instead of what they do for me. That's the difference between unconditional love vs. conditional love and loving a human Be-ing instead of a human Do-ing.
No way around that one. Betrayal is a real hard one, recovering Alcoholic or anyone.
But time is the great healer.
Deceit, being lied to, cheated on. A dark web of deception. It just simply Hurts, but this made me think of that saying of: When Adversity comes, look up and be shown in God's sunlight the "Gift" in this hard time.
As I see it you already have that Gift in your own hands. The Blessing of Recovery.
I am with Dean on this, in early recovery, I had a male friend, that had more time, we were not attracted to each other in the so called "chemisty" way, and we did what Dean described, we Practice dated, for over 2 years, sharing Birthday's going out on our Practice dates about 2 or 3 saturdays nights a month. We both shared a deep commitment to getting well, and getting the unhealthy relationship stuff turned around. It was fun, never any lip locks, or body locks. Just a little peck on each other's cheek as we said good night. It was a fun experience and we learned a lot.
Just thought you might think that one over. When we are little, we are "dependant" we have to be, then when we grow up, well for a lot of us, we dont get our needs met when we are young, and maybe that has something to do with becoming codependant, who knows. But when we shed those needy codependant needs, and become independent, when we have a healthy relationship, two independent people enter into a inter-dependant relationship. Now I am laughing hard, for you are the person in this field, so here I am, preaching to the Choir. hahaha.
We all love you here, in a very healthy way. Try and take that in and let that be enough......sorry sweetie if you are hurting, no one cares to go through that....
Ok, I am very very upset for you. This really sucks. But I am sooo glad you are in a sober-space during this. Mark, take the very best care of yourself that you can right now, because you deserve BETTER!!!!! Absolutely!!!
I am going to watch, and hope that when you have grieved this loss (and the loss of trust mostly), that you will end up in a place where you are EXTREMELY HAPPY being alone. With our program and our fellowship, a HP of our understanding, and the ability to love ourselves now, being alone no longer equals being "lonely".
You are going to be FINE. It will just hurt for a time, you already know this. Please don't vanish on us, keep us updated as to how you are coping, and the ways you will grow leaps and bounds from this. It IS going to be ok!!!
Sending love and hugs, Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
In time I hope you come to see this latest news as no big deal. You have stated here before that you recognize how unhealthy that relationship was for you. While it feels awful right now, a reawakening of old pains, this is just more of the old crap that you don't need, or do need to learn and grow from, even if painful. I can maybe explain by sharing my own experiences: I ended a particular long-term relationship that defined my 20's and was made up of dangerous and sick drama. It's hard for me to even sum it up. I was drawn to this guy very deeply. However, to get to the point, I discovered tremendous deceit on his part at the very end. It turns out it had been going on the whole time. Later it didn't even surprize me, because I saw clearly how unhealthy everything was for me, from the very beginning. I don't even think of any of the guys in my bad relationship as horrible men any more. I don't know that I feel compassion for all of them as of yet, but I do feel sorry for them. And Now I see these fellows a mile away and want to tell others run for your life, get yourself clear and straight. Years afterward I also found out the first dude I was speaking of was messing with a guy I know. The cheatee, still cries to me about it if I see him in public, like I'm the one who's supposed to relate to his pain because we both loved the same person. At first I was thinking, this is weird, I'm the one who got cheated on, WTF. It stopped having significance when I learned and grew after the final horrific and damaging person I was with, who was so scarry that It smacked the lesson upside my head in every way possible. I am now grateful I was able to see that final relationship as it truly was, and could see the shitty patterns I had traversed with men from my first love on. Now, I know it's not about them or what they did to me, it's why I chose that person in the first place.
I agree with Dean. In every relationship I chose after that, in increments, I was able to make positive choices. It got better with each person. I am now married to a person who I've never felt the same intense attraction that I did with others before. Although the physical attraction is different, and it doesn't live up to my fantasies,I would say the sex is so much better than EVER before( and there's always opportunity for improvement) because it is a truly positive and mutually respectful relationship and I wouldn't go back for anything.
In the days before I got married, I had really intense dreams about the man of my deep attraction. We spent 7 harsh years together. I came to see these dreams at the moment of commitment to another as a marker of how far I had come. I've never felt the tiniest iota of distrust for my husband. I know I don't need to consider it, because I've learned how people act in a good relationship. Yes, people still do bad things and hurt eachother at times, however, the difference is being with someone who will always own up to faults, as I have to as well. When I was being decieved in the past, looking back I see now there were always signs that I chose not to see, as I was in denial about the nature of the relationship and how much it was actually hurting me. I was sucked in and consumed with trying to understand their pain. I have learned that compassion doesn't mean you ignore your own health. Just like if I was to jepordize my sobriety in order to be "loving" and compassionate.
Keep talking, ultimately, that's the fastest and easiest way to move on. Bore all your friends till you're bored yourself. You've helped remind me just how intense the pain is. I appreciate it. It motivates me to work on a fictional story I started a ways back about a naive person attracted to a character in a way that we've been talking about. I haven't been able to figure out how to pick up the pen or keyboard, and I think you've helped me be able to dive in, that the real passion for this story has to come from remembering the pain of my past relationships. Lastly, I've wanted to reply to a post of yours, but felt a little finger-tied, because you are very good at identifying and explaining and sharing your ESH, so I hope this has something you might need to hear, and is reasonable as it turned into a monologue about myself.
Sincerely, Angela
-- Edited by angelov8 on Saturday 1st of August 2009 03:12:58 AM
When I went through a laundry list of choosing people that were not emotionally available, and trying to turn them into what they were not. That was my sicky behavior, would fall madly in love, haha, now I see the keyword was "madly", like nuts of me to choose them in the first place.
My point to this PS was that in Reading a Book, "Men That Hate Women, and the Women That Love Them" was a fantastic book, difficult to read and finally address the problem was not in them, but in me from the start.
Still recall there was an 'upside down Bell Jar of Recovery', and It was amazing, it showed how we recover from this sick behavior, gradually spinning up and out of the relationships that not healthy, to finally being able to see the way out, then for me, I took a very long pause, spent a long time, talking about this stuff in therapy, and only then could I trust myself enough to try again. And learning how to live alone and really understand the difference between living alone, and enjoying that state was when I learned how to be with me, and God first in Everything, then the lonliness just stopped being an issue.
Loving people, is very important to me, and feeling their love in return, in a healthy way, I will always need.
So I hope so much that you will let yourself be the strong lighthouse in the center of this emotional storm. I feel so confident that this relationship that is now ending, will be the period on the end of the Sentence - of Needy Relationships.
Let us know how you are doing, ok, we love you.
Toni
-- Edited by toni baloney on Saturday 1st of August 2009 11:08:11 AM
I had scheduled to go home and visit my family right after finding this out. I thought it would be bad timing, but it was actually good timing. It reminded me that I have a family that loves me no matter what even though they all live 1000 miles away. I also have a family on here and a large AA family in Ft. Lauderdale. I am stronger now than I thought. Just like when I walked into the rooms, it was sink or swim. Drinking was not an option and I have a yearning to learn how to live life on life's terms no matter how painful it can be. I don't want to be that scared little boy and, to a large degree, living in that relationship with that much distrust and wanting more than was available...was insanity. So while sad, I am ultimately free in new way and much more equipped at this point to deal with things. My pattern is to find the closed off type and "teach them how to love." I get scared off by people that actually are really into me and go after the ones that are distant and mysterious to me in some way. This is really unhealthy because I am an honest person and I deserve the same. I dunno what the future holds in terms of relationships for me. I am back to one day at a time again. Thank you all for being here for me and caring.
Much love for MIP,
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hi Mark, so glad you are back home and safe and sober.
I think a lot of us went after the unavailable. I know I did. I think people who really wanted to be with me turned me off for some strange reason, maybe because they reminded me of "me", like I saw someone who was openly available as "needy" or something. I did not like seeing my own "needy" characteristics in someone else who was actually into me. Unavailable love interests were, in my mind, BETTER than me, or a step above where I was at, so I pursued that.
I see now that this "playing hard to get" thing in others meant they were not ready for a real relationship from the get-go. And those who ran around certainly weren't ready for anything but chaos and hurt.
I think you should feel good about yourself in all this, Mark. I suspect that you do. You already know what it takes to have lasting meaningful relationships, no matter in what context. Honesty and loyalty. And honesty and loyalty to one's self, first. And by how you are getting through this, you show a great love for yourself and your future, and it can carry you to really good decisions. You deserve relationships with people who are at LEAST as honest and loyal as yourself. And that you know all this is a terrific foundation.
Take care and have a great day today.
Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
