Psychiatrists have a name for it--passive death wish.  Not an actual suicidal ideation, where there is plan or intent, but that general feeling of angst and malaise where one wishes one were dead.

I have a passive death wish ... just not for myself.  I love life, love my sobriety.  No, I have a passive death wish for my wife.

This is different from a homicidal ideation.  I have no homicidal ideations.  I have no plan or intent to harm her.  In fact, I could not harm her.  I love her ... truly love her, as in love as a verb, not the delicious emotion you feel called attraction that you mistake for love.

No, I love this woman.  Protecting her from pain--physical, emotional, or spiritual--is priority.  I do not like her, and I have become miserable with her, but I love her.

Here is the deal:  After 11 years of marriage, I have come to realize that my wife is one of the most miserable people I have ever known.  She is constantly in misery, deliberately manufactured or otherwise, and she casts so much blame on the sins of the world.  As such, most people can only take her in small doses, such as my family.  Her own kids (grown) consider her an option rather than a priority.

She certainly hasn't had it easy.  She was abused as a child, sexually as well as physically.  She ran away from home, got pregnant at 19, and was treated like garbage by the biological father.  She married a decent man who adopted her daughter, but he cheated on her after 12 years.  She pulled herself up, moved to my state ... and met me.

She sounds like a real case, but she's not.  She is amazing.  She has done so many things to overcome the hand she was dealt.  She ran her own business, put herself through college, even ran for public office.  Since I have met her, she has helped me realize so many dreams, and we've traveled together all over the world.

But she is miserable.  She hates people.  She tells me so.  She says I am the only person in the world she can trust, the only one she can count on.  She does not trust her kids (I don't blame her), and her greatest fear is that if I die she will grow old alone and these selfish, overgrown punks will have to take care of her.

She is antisocial.  She doesn't want to get out and meet people.  I am incredibly social, and she doesn't like me being so.  She would be happy (as happy as someone with her level of misery can be) if I never had friends or went out and did anything without her.

I wish she was dead.  I'm not the only one.  She wishes she were dead too.  She just doesn't believe in suicide.  She just hates this world, this life.  She complains about it all the time, and her general contempt for humanity manifests itself in so many ways.

I have tried to talk to her about counseling.  She went to counseling for issues with her daughter, and it worked wonders.  But now she is miserable, and angry, and I don't find her attractive anymore.  I can't stand her company, to be honest.

And yet, I love her.  I feel as if God called me to be this person in her life, this soft spot to land, this safe place to hide.  She has so many trust issues, many of which did not come out until we had been married awhile, and I am the only place she feels safe.  I would not do a thing to harm her.

But I wish she would die.  I wish she would die because she wants to die, and it would make her happy.  I would miss her and mourn her loss, but I would feel content that she is finally in a better place.  I would also feel somewhat liberated to live my life unshackled by her misery.  This is not to say that I believe marriage is a shackle, but marriage to a bitter, angry, somewhat possessive creature certainly is.

I would not harm her at all.  I don't have the balls or the guts for that, and I certainly do not have the desire.  I cherish life, even hers.  I'm that guy who stops on the road to help turtles get across, that guy who catches bugs that get in the house and release them outdoors rather than kill them.  I could not harm any living thing, and I certainly could not harm her.

But she is sad.  Her emotional misery is so great it is like she is dying of cancer.  If you had a loved one who was dying of cancer that hat metastasized to so much of her body, wouldn't you wish she was dead?  Wouldn't you want her suffering to stop?

If there is a cure for her depression and misery, my wife doesn't want it.  That is her way.  She even told the doctor that she refuses Pap smears and mammograms because if she gets cancer she will just assume it is her time and let nature take its course. 

I am so unhappy.  I have AA, and I have my sobriety, and I pray to my Higher Power for resolution to this misery.  I do not ask God to take her--see, I am so committed to protecting her that I don't feel it is right to pray for that.  But I do wish she would die.  I want her to be happy.

I wish she would die.

Thanks for listening.