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Post Info TOPIC: Love and the passive death wish


Member

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Posts: 10
Date:
Love and the passive death wish
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Psychiatrists have a name for it--passive death wish.  Not an actual suicidal ideation, where there is plan or intent, but that general feeling of angst and malaise where one wishes one were dead.

I have a passive death wish ... just not for myself.  I love life, love my sobriety.  No, I have a passive death wish for my wife.

This is different from a homicidal ideation.  I have no homicidal ideations.  I have no plan or intent to harm her.  In fact, I could not harm her.  I love her ... truly love her, as in love as a verb, not the delicious emotion you feel called attraction that you mistake for love.

No, I love this woman.  Protecting her from pain--physical, emotional, or spiritual--is priority.  I do not like her, and I have become miserable with her, but I love her.

Here is the deal:  After 11 years of marriage, I have come to realize that my wife is one of the most miserable people I have ever known.  She is constantly in misery, deliberately manufactured or otherwise, and she casts so much blame on the sins of the world.  As such, most people can only take her in small doses, such as my family.  Her own kids (grown) consider her an option rather than a priority.

She certainly hasn't had it easy.  She was abused as a child, sexually as well as physically.  She ran away from home, got pregnant at 19, and was treated like garbage by the biological father.  She married a decent man who adopted her daughter, but he cheated on her after 12 years.  She pulled herself up, moved to my state ... and met me.

She sounds like a real case, but she's not.  She is amazing.  She has done so many things to overcome the hand she was dealt.  She ran her own business, put herself through college, even ran for public office.  Since I have met her, she has helped me realize so many dreams, and we've traveled together all over the world.

But she is miserable.  She hates people.  She tells me so.  She says I am the only person in the world she can trust, the only one she can count on.  She does not trust her kids (I don't blame her), and her greatest fear is that if I die she will grow old alone and these selfish, overgrown punks will have to take care of her.

She is antisocial.  She doesn't want to get out and meet people.  I am incredibly social, and she doesn't like me being so.  She would be happy (as happy as someone with her level of misery can be) if I never had friends or went out and did anything without her.

I wish she was dead.  I'm not the only one.  She wishes she were dead too.  She just doesn't believe in suicide.  She just hates this world, this life.  She complains about it all the time, and her general contempt for humanity manifests itself in so many ways.

I have tried to talk to her about counseling.  She went to counseling for issues with her daughter, and it worked wonders.  But now she is miserable, and angry, and I don't find her attractive anymore.  I can't stand her company, to be honest.

And yet, I love her.  I feel as if God called me to be this person in her life, this soft spot to land, this safe place to hide.  She has so many trust issues, many of which did not come out until we had been married awhile, and I am the only place she feels safe.  I would not do a thing to harm her.

But I wish she would die.  I wish she would die because she wants to die, and it would make her happy.  I would miss her and mourn her loss, but I would feel content that she is finally in a better place.  I would also feel somewhat liberated to live my life unshackled by her misery.  This is not to say that I believe marriage is a shackle, but marriage to a bitter, angry, somewhat possessive creature certainly is.

I would not harm her at all.  I don't have the balls or the guts for that, and I certainly do not have the desire.  I cherish life, even hers.  I'm that guy who stops on the road to help turtles get across, that guy who catches bugs that get in the house and release them outdoors rather than kill them.  I could not harm any living thing, and I certainly could not harm her.

But she is sad.  Her emotional misery is so great it is like she is dying of cancer.  If you had a loved one who was dying of cancer that hat metastasized to so much of her body, wouldn't you wish she was dead?  Wouldn't you want her suffering to stop?

If there is a cure for her depression and misery, my wife doesn't want it.  That is her way.  She even told the doctor that she refuses Pap smears and mammograms because if she gets cancer she will just assume it is her time and let nature take its course. 

I am so unhappy.  I have AA, and I have my sobriety, and I pray to my Higher Power for resolution to this misery.  I do not ask God to take her--see, I am so committed to protecting her that I don't feel it is right to pray for that.  But I do wish she would die.  I want her to be happy.

I wish she would die.

Thanks for listening.

__________________
"God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-discipline."  2 Timothy 1:7


Senior Member

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Posts: 419
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Wow Chewie,

We have never really met, but was concerned when I read your Post.

Not about you harming her.

Just one thought entered my mind:

"Irreconsilable Differences" There are many very valid reason for people getting a............ Divorce.

I divorced my second husband and I really loved him, well I thought I did, but it was necessary if I was to have a Clean and Sober life.

And the trust thing, when we cannot trust others, only when we can not trust ourselves.

When we learn to trust God, Clean House and Help others, we begin to trust ourselves. Has to come first before trusting anyone else.

Sorry that you are in such a unhappy place in your life.

Saying a Prayer for you,

PS. Logged on again, just to ask you if you have ever heard of a Book by the Name of "Co-Dependant No More". Forgot the auther, but you might find this book invaluable to your situation. It sure helped me tremendously when I was in a very
codependant relationship, the one I was writing about before, and Dean also talks about a little Book by Bradshaw on "Healing the Shame that Binds Us" also an excellent book.

You take care of You, ok?
Toni

-- Edited by toni baloney on Wednesday 1st of July 2009 02:29:44 PM

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Senior Member

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Don't know what to say except I'm sure that was hard to share, even with a pen-name...

In my thoughts and prayers,
Dave

-- Edited by Dave Harm on Wednesday 1st of July 2009 09:05:10 PM

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"A busy mind is a sick mind.  A slow mind, is a healthy mind.  A still mind, is a divine mind." - Native American Centerness

Creating Dreams, from the nightmares of hell...


Member

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She became physically abusive tonight.

__________________
"God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-discipline."  2 Timothy 1:7


Senior Member

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I've been physically abused (and of course more importantly, mentally and emotionally abused) by a woman before and that is a very difficult position to be in because you have no idea how anyone is going to react if you speak up for yourself.

I'd get out.  Don't fool yourself into believing that somehow you can help her, or that you're the only one who can.  My ex is still living her life exactly the same as she was before we got divorced, 10 years ago.  Thank God I'm no longer a part of it.



-- Edited by FlyingSquirrel on Wednesday 1st of July 2009 08:04:01 PM

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Keep It Simple



Senior Member

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Chewie,

My HP didn't bring me to this point in time to be miserable. We all experience days of feeling "blah" but not misery. You owe it to yourself to protect yourself. It is not your responsibility to take care of another human.

Your life is worth more then that. I, too, have been through that and it's just not worth it. The sad part is that my ex and I have been divorced for over 14 years and she's still as insane today as the day I left.

14 YEARS. It's not a matter of a passive death wish, but rather can you continue to live like that? For who knows another year? Five years? Ten years?

__________________
"A busy mind is a sick mind.  A slow mind, is a healthy mind.  A still mind, is a divine mind." - Native American Centerness

Creating Dreams, from the nightmares of hell...


MIP Old Timer

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Chewie, both of you need therapy. not joking. You wife is obviously not doing well and it's affecting your sanity as well. I did my time on the couch for about six months, in early sobriety and during/after a divorce.
Good thing too, because I also wanted my x-wife dead (along with her boyfriend and her parents) smile.gif

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Member

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Went to a meeting.

Made amends for my side of the argument tonight.

Now in my office, probably going to sleep here.

She is threatening to leave. I won't leave. The house is solely in my name.

I'll be fine.

__________________
"God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-discipline."  2 Timothy 1:7


MIP Old Timer

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Posts: 3681
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Of course you'll be fine and it's good you've worked the program long enough to know that. Aside from that, you deserve better than fine. You deserve great. Self-esteem issues and codependency seem to underlie much of our alcoholism. In any case, this all slapped me in the face 2 months into sobriety when I realized I didn't have any idea what self-care was and had no grasp of who I was on my own. Like you said, it will be okay and you will be okay. BUT, you deserve better and I think you know that.

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MIP Old Timer

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Ah Chewie...I didn't have to read that all because the symptoms are sooo much
like my own and mine is called dysthymia.  It gets worse in later age and also
becomes more fatal.   It's treatable somewhat but still sucks!!  All of the symptoms
can be lived with and different behaviors learned,  ie socializing rather than iso-
lating and the like.   Let me let you in on something...sometimes standing up and
having this depressive disease is like being dead only you haven't stayed asleep
long enough.  Get it?  I learned in this program that a successful suicide isn't
about ending your life but ending how you live it.   My best to you and your wife.
Loving her anyway is HP's will.

(((((hugs))))) smile

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