Taken from: 12 Step Sponsorship "How it Works" Hamilton B.
Dear Dakota, I really feel for where you are right now. I sense you're between the rock & the hard place, perhaps feeling you can't imagine a life without 'your friend' but if you're powerless over alcohol, like me, your friend will kill you & rob you of everything you love. I was a long way from losing all that was good in my life but the truth is, 'my friend' kept me from gaining so much in the first place.
Right now you feel you've no alternative & you're trying to feel your way in the dark hence the hopelessness. MIP may be whetting your appetite for a different solution in your life but you won't find it until you take your recovery seriously & want what there is on offer.
You will find this in meetings & you will be helped to understand the solution in the Big Book. It takes times but before I took these steps, there was no way I could live a life without alcohol. Initially I tried on my own & came to AA in curiosity to learn about alcoholism as a 'topic'. I didn't realise my own alcoholism at that point. I didn't know what it was. I learned this in the rooms. Eventually I also learned I could not do it on my own as I kept slipping so I got a Sponsor & started to do as suggested & I've been sober since 2yrs 3mths ago.
Life of course can still be hard but it has changed so much when I remember my gratitude & how it was before. I love that I can keep on learning in recovery & I don't have to take a drink today to find out anything I already knew about it. I hope you can find this too. If you're like me you'll already know that 1 is too many & 1000 never enough. I drank simply because I am an alcoholic.
When I take that first drink I develop the phenomenon of craving & I can't stop. I cannot trust myself in drink. I have a personality change because I lived in fear of life whenever I was sober. I drank whether I was mad, glad, sad or bad. It was my default, my escape, my happiness & wanting to feel & be who I thought I was at my best but all of this was illusion & it was killing me spiritually, emotionally, mentally & in time, physically, not to mention alienating me from my friends & family.
I didn't trust others or myself & I had a mental obsession that told me lies about what a drink would do for me despite past evidences. All the while I had this inner gaping, this lacking inside that we call the spiritual malady where we feel we're never quite enough. A longing for something more that feels like you're trying to fill a bath with the plug out. That's why we place so much emphasis on a Higher Power in this Program.
We begin to get a sense that we're not alone. That we're lovable, useful & that we can connect with others who truly understand no matter what our backgrounds, class, colour or creed & we want to help too with this new found happiness & hope that comes without any chemical dependence.
I've heard it said that with alcohol, we were looking for the right thing in the wrong place & I can identify with that because everytime I put that drink to my lips I felt I was disappearing into a world where I mattered, where I could be me, the fear left me & my imagination & passion came alive but it was all pretend & really I was hiding & isolating.
To speak with people drunk now just seems like it would be a violation of my own true boundaries & doesn't compare with the honest heart to hearts I can have with people today with the courage I have now to dare to be me as I am today & to be hopeful about continuing to grow. I don't need drink today to help me with anything. I've found a new life in new terms & I never want that old sadness back that came with the bottle & a hangover.
I've been given a gift in freedom & all I have to do is put one foot in front of the other & just keeep on walking in forward directions.
You can do this too & if you truly want to put the drink down & try a new way of life there are many friends waiting in the rooms of AA to help you. Do not be afraid. It is your bridge to normal living & you will be able to have all the things you hope for & can work towards.
Don't give up on yourself. You are worth it. In recovery love & fellowship, Danielle x