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Post Info TOPIC: Anger And Resentment...Whats The Difference?


MIP Old Timer

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Anger And Resentment...Whats The Difference?
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Anger is normal; resentment is a killerOften you'll hear 12 Steppers make a statement like 'don't get angry, you'll slip.' If there's someone around with some time they may point out that resentment, not anger is the real threat to continuous abstaining.
  The differences between the two are important.


Anger and Resentment are Different
 
Anger is defined as 'a strong feeling of displeasure and, usually, of antagonism.'

Resentment, on the other hand, is 'persistent ill will...'

Do you see the difference? Anger is that sudden emotion that overcomes us when something goes wrong, or we think something has gone wrong. You know, someone cuts us off in traffic and we're immediately angry. Or someone is rude to us and our reaction is anger. Anger turns into resentment when we allow the anger to become persistent. If, when we're cut off in traffic, we allow our anger to grow so we take some sort of destructive action, like chasing the offending driver, we're into resentment. If, when someone is rude, we let that anger simmer so we're having fantasies of revenge, we're dealing with resentment. Anger is our (mostly) automatic response to a situation; we usually can't control the fact of our anger, but we can control how we behave when anger strikes. Resentment is really a choice - we've decided, on some level, or allowed ourselves to stay angry. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says "Resentment is the 'number one' offender" (p. 64) with good reason. A resentment is always about what someone or something has done to us. A resentment keeps us feeling like a victim. These are exactly the sorts of feelings that build excuses for slips. 

Accept Responsibility
 
A more reasonable, effective and spiritual response is to accept at least some responsibility for what's happened - even if it's only accepting responsibility for letting anger build to resentment.

As soon as we accept responsibility, we're acting from our own power. As the resentment disappears, we either find the issue wasn't really important after all, or we can begin to take rational, self-supporting steps to remedy the situation.

http://www.powerfullyrecovered.com/articles/angerresentment.htm

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Phil wrote:

Anger is normal; resentment is a killerOften you'll hear 12 Steppers make a statement like 'don't get angry, you'll slip.' If there's someone around with some time they may point out that resentment, not anger is the real threat to continuous abstaining.


Anger is normal. It allows us to process reality by alerting us if something is acceptable or unacceptable.

I have been told that resentment is re-feeling old hurts.

So the guy in the traffic could cause me to have mild feelings of anger. But, if I feel some kind of extreme rage coming to the surface as a result, it is a sign that I have suppressed anger.

The mistake we make is to think that the guy in the traffic is the cause of this rage. He is not. This is what is called sideways anger.

Sideways anger comes from delusion and denial. We are in denial of the true nature of the anger so we vent the anger out sideways onto someone or something else.

These old hurts need not be that old. It could be from 20 years ago or as recent as 20 days ago.

Anger is that part of recovery which alerts us to those parts of ourselves which need attention and correction.

They keep telling us that avoiding should not be part of our recovery. They keep saying that there is no chapter in the BB called "Into Avoiding". So, it makes sense that anger should not be avoided. We should face it and figure out the true nature of the anger, not lie to ourselves by burying it and saying that there is no problem.

Conclusion:

- She or he does not make me feel that way.
- I choose to feel that way.
- I am response-able. (able to respond)

"When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically." - Page 64 - BB





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aaqld wrote:
So the guy in the traffic could cause me to have mild feelings of anger. But, if I feel some kind of extreme rage coming to the surface as a result, it is a sign that I have suppressed anger.

The mistake we make is to think that the guy in the traffic is the cause of this rage. He is not. This is what is called sideways anger.

Sideways anger comes from delusion and denial. We are in denial of the true nature of the anger so we vent the anger out sideways onto someone or something else.


If "the guy in traffic" has his thumb up his ass and continues to sit after the light has turned green, then I'm gonna be angry at THE GUY and if he continues to scratch his colon until the light turns red again, then I'm gonna be enraged at THE GUY! Period! 




Not everything in recovery has to be gray, sometimes things really are black and white......If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, guess what?!, it's a DUCK!

Anger noun 1.a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire. 2.Chiefly British Dialect. pain or smart, as of a sore. 3.Obsolete. grief; trouble. verb (used with object) 4.to arouse anger or wrath in. 5.Chiefly British Dialect. to cause to smart; inflame. verb (used without object) 6.to become angry: He angers with little provocation. [Origin: 11501200; ME < Scand; cf. ON angr sorrow, grief, akin to OHG angust (G Angst fear), L angor anguish] Related forms an·ger·less, adjective Synonyms 1. resentment, exasperation; choler, bile, spleen. Anger, fury, indignation, rage imply deep and strong feelings aroused by injury, injustice, wrong, etc. Anger is the general term for a sudden violent displeasure: a burst of anger. Indignation implies deep and justified anger: indignation at cruelty or against corruption. Rage is vehement anger: rage at being frustrated. Fury is rage so great that it resembles insanity: the fury of an outraged lover. 4. displease, vex, irritate, exasperate, infuriate, enrage, incense, madden.  

A strong feeling of displeasure or hostility. v.   an·gered, an·ger·ing, an·gers v.   tr. To make angry; enrage or provoke. v.   intr. To become angry: She angers too quickly.
 

re·sent·ment noun the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.

Synonyms re·sent·ment    n.   Indignation or ill will felt as a result of a real or imagined grievance. See Synonyms at anger.


The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth EditionCopyright © 2006 by Houghton Mifflin Company.







-- Edited by Doll at 21:57, 2007-04-15

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Doll wrote:
Not everything in recovery has to be gray, sometimes things really are black and white......If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, guess what?!, it's a DUCK!


I agree. Anger is normal.


Doll wrote:
re·sent·ment noun the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.


Feelings are a choice.

Key word to ponder: regarded

Doll wrote:
Synonyms re·sent·ment    n.   Indignation or ill will felt as a result of a real or imagined grievance. See Synonyms at anger.


Key words to ponder: Real or Imagined

Doll wrote:
If "the guy in traffic" has his thumb up his ass and continues to sit after the light has turned green, then I'm gonna be angry at THE GUY and if he continues to scratch his colon until the light turns red again, then I'm gonna be enraged at THE GUY! Period! 


Well, at least you don't have to chase him down the freeway because he is just a sitting duck at the red light. smile





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I heard that resentment is caused by anger, mixed with fear, and some time....


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aaqld wrote:
I have been told that resentment is re-feeling old hurts.


Just thought that a few related links would be appropriate:

The word resentment comes from the Latin word "sentire" which means, "to feel", and when you put "re" in front of any word, it means "again", so the word resent means "to feel again".
Ref: http://www.barefootsworld.net/aaresentments.html

Latin word sentire:
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/sentire

Alcoholics Anonymous mp3s which also talk about the latin word "sentire" and re-feeling:
http://www.healtalk.com/public/61.shtml

Resentment is a manifestation of fear.

It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. - p67 BB




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aaqld wrote:
The mistake we make is to think that the guy in the traffic is the cause of this rage. He is not. This is what is called sideways anger.

Sideways anger comes from delusion and denial. We are in denial of the true nature of the anger so we vent the anger out sideways onto someone or something else.


More information about this can be found in the book Living Sober.

Especially interesting is to attend AA Topic Meetings based on readings from the book.




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MIP Old Timer

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Wow...

You guys sure knocked the hell outa  that post didnt yu...

Lotta food for thought..

I dont think I'll react with any anger..today..thanks...(smile)

Stay cool...

Onward!!


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MIP Old Timer

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aaqld wrote:
Feelings are a choice.




Feelings are a choice ????? what???? ....if we could pick and choose how we feel, WOW! What a wonderful state of mind I would be in AT ALL TIMES......biggrin however, what I CAN choose is how I act and/or re-act to those feelings.



-- Edited by Doll at 15:17, 2007-04-16

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MIP Old Timer

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Feelings are a choice, but, only when we feel like choosing them which is a kind of irony. I guess we get to 'choose' how we feel a little more by getting educated & learning about our maladies here. I don't always have a choice on how to feel & sometimes the choice confuses me as my feelings are there to tell me something in the first place. If I listen good & hear what their messages are, maybe the only thing I need to have a choice about is the way I respond. Thanks for the food & mental nutrition.
Keep it coming & keep coming back, all of you, lol Danielle x


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Doll wrote:
Feelings are a choice ????? what???? ....if we could pick and choose how we feel, WOW! What a wonderful state of mind I would be in AT ALL TIMES......biggrin

I also said that when it was first suggested to me. It is a big pill to swallow.

"most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be." - Just For Today.

At this point, I would like to mention that my posts are merely my experience, strength and hope. It is not my intention to convince anyone of anything. What I say is true for *me*.

I originally posted a reply to Phil's post. This contains my experience strength and hope which is true for me.

The replies to my post sound a little bit: criticizing, interrogating, dominating and debating. Imagine in a regular AA meeting room someone finished their share and the very next speaker opens up with "Feelings are a choice ????? what????":
http://www.about-alcoholics-anonymous.com/Alcoholics_Anonymous_Cross_Talk.html

Take what you need - leave the rest. smile


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MIP Old Timer

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I wouldn't want anyone, newcomers especially, confusing the idea that just because they're in recovery means they have to put with or accept the unacceptable..or that all things said in AA or on this or any forum is not up for debate, due to mixed feelings about said topic or just what someone else knows to be true for themselves.....I have a right to agree or disagree with a post or reply.....as long as I am also only stating my opinion, or ES&H, in a non-confrontational way!


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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...
  It's about learning to dance in the rain.



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great post! care if i post it on the other boards?

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