quarter to midnight. Been to a meeting now back home. No different tonite than on so many other nites the past few years. As you know I've lived alone for over five years..
So why have I got this sudden feeling of being so lonely? This big old house is so empty and the quiet that I normally enjoy, it just feels like I'm the last man on earth. I've not done anything unusual, came in the house, rang a buddy, put some music on,, made a hot drink, washed the supper dishes, spent a little while on facebook and this forum. I just feel that this is my life and it feels sort of empty and wasted. I get up. I have a chat with my HP, I have breakfast. I make a to do list. I wofk until half twelve. I have lunch. I work until maybe six. I have dinner. I go to a meeting. I come home. I have supper. I fb and forum. I ring a buddy. I go to bed. I have a word with my HP. Rinse and repeat. And tonight I fee so effing lonely. How does that work then? OK This too shall pass.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
This happened to me just this afternoon. It's Monday, my friends are back to work, and I'm still unemployed. I had a great workout at the climbing gym this morning, went and had a delicious lunch, took my dogs out to the beach. It's a beautiful day and some hanggliders were taking off from the top of the cliff, which was cool to watch, and the dogs had a ton of fun. Then in the car on the way home, I just started crying. I realized that I was just feeling really lonely.
It happens to the best of us. It passes. Hang in there. We're here for you!
When I'm lonely, I lay in bed, surround myself with the finest pillows that I bought just for ME after the divorce... and I lay my hands across my sternum... this is where your heart chakra is (overlap the hand position slightly.) And I send love there..... to ME... until I fall asleep.
I think it is because you have resigned yourself to being truly single. You had held out hope for reconciliation for so long... You thought you were on hiatus from your family. I think you are in a process of accepting some radical changes and it feels really weird, scary, lonely, surreal. I read you post about mid life crisis...I wouldn't label it Bill, just roll with it, keep praying, and things will work themselves out. Your identity is shifting. Stay close to the program and you will walk through the other side just fine.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Yeah I'll go with the Dean's list...LOL. The monotony (bad word) might have come home to roost a bit...the Apathy condition...Complacency syndrome...and then my sponsor would ask "So what are you gonna do with it?" I did some of what Dean suggested...didn't ford a crick...kept it on the road and I didn't succumb to it. Wet or Dry the poor mes just suck...they suck worse when wet. Don't drink anything mind and mood changing that should also come with a skull and cross bones on it. Hey go find somebody to honestly help. Such an idea.
jerry. Chilling response. You're right it was a case of the poor me's. I lay here this morning and realise that I had a nicotine craving at 3 am and got over that but there is the hum drum blues going on and I'm struggling to find gratitude. I've let my woes pile up and focussed on the negatives rather than sought the positives. And yes at 3 am I said to myself that either I shake myself and get some gratitude going or I go out on the piss. Simple and stark as that. So here goes. I live alone so there is no one to please but me. I can play any music I want when I want as loud as i want for as long as i want. I can wash the pots or leave them until the morning. I don't have to put a dressing gown on to go from the bathroom to the bedroom. I can curse at the tv if i want. I can have the tv on or not. I can see who i want where i want when i want. I can fart anytime i want. I can work as late as i want. I can start as late as i want. All i gotta do is accept that most mornings I'll be waking up alone and most mornings that's ok. Because most mornings i wake up smiling these days.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
You get lined up smart and quickly. I wish I was that fast at times. One thing I got in my process is that I am N E V E R alone. Fart, naked, yelling, screaming, swearing, unkempt and messy and all of it...I am never alone. I can always be aware "God is".
I learned that here...with my sponsor(s)...talking and listening and watching their walk and recovery. They were never alone...ever...I sensed their relationship with their HPs. It was like a constant presence that they moved in and with and it made them different than me and others who had not reach that level of growth yet and I wanted it. I wanted never to be alone again and then I never have been.
That's a part of my 12th...BB...Hook ...up Verticle alignment is what I've learned it to be. In my experience you are not alone...you're running with the greatest lover you have ever heard of. My understanding of course.
most times I'm OK. Most of the time. But there is something special when you wake up with a special someone's leg over yours. when you don't get too much sleep cos you spend too long propped on one elbow watching the rise and fall of her back as she sleeps. when she's gone and the sheets still smell of her. when you catch yourself smiling at a recent memory. when you wake with a smile on your face whether she's there or not.
when she rolls over and backs up to you and you like the close contact, just cos it's close. you don't mind the sweat. you breathe in her scent. your arm goes dead cos it's folded round and under her and you don't mind.
you still do what you want, but you're doing it with someone else, even if you're doing nuthin. you cook for her, make her tea, run her a bath, wash her back. she smiles at you and it's enough. you walk together and talk without words, talk just in looks and knowing.
and you still know this is temporary, you've been here before, with another, look what happened to that, 33 years you knew that one. Knew every secret corner of her but never knew her mind. you grew, you changed, she didn't and it became intolerable.
you know this'll ultimately, probably be the same, unless you both grow. so what are you left with?
gotta learn to live in your own skin. not need anyone or anything to complete your picture, just enjoy the people and the things as they occur without getting dependent or over attached, learn how to let go and let God, learn how to trust people with their own freedom, learn how to let people and things just be.
understand Elbow when they sing. throw those curtains wide. One day like this a year will see me right.
it's a beautiful day. they all are. even the ones that start a bit blurry through the tears. knowing that the tears mean you feel things, you're not under anasthetic any more and anyway, sometimes it's tears of gratitude rather than sorrow and only rarely these days tears of self pity. and anyway that's when your buddies kick your arse and pull you round and if your buddies aren't there then soon enough you'll call on the one who always listens.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Bill, it sounds like you're doing a good job living in the spiritual state of equipoise...counterbalance. yin/yang. For all negatives there are positives. You said many things that are so true, "this too shall pass," "living for today and it is enough," "let it be," but I still understand your pain and hurt in loneliness. The positive side of being alone is solitude, time for reflection, time to feel what you feel. And in the end, isn't FEELING better than numbing out? Drinking to oblivion= messed up life careening towards a certain dismal death, and today you have a good life!
Prayer is for talking to God, and meditation is for listening to God. I encourage you to do both as it helps me so much in my times of loneliness. Another thing that helps is a pet. And service work. And talking to another alcoholic. But you know all this... so just remember, you are OK as you are. You're doing so well and inspire me with your honesty and perserverence. Keep on keepin on, Bill. You never know what's just around the corner, and I always feel a bit restless right when something big is about to happen. Remember, you have many friends here. Peace be with you! :) Heather
Yeah I'll go with the Dean's list...LOL. The monotony (bad word) might have come home to roost a bit...the Apathy condition...Complacency syndrome...and then my sponsor would ask "So what are you gonna do with it?" I did some of what Dean suggested...didn't ford a crick...kept it on the road and I didn't succumb to it. Wet or Dry the poor mes just suck...they suck worse when wet. Don't drink anything mind and mood changing that should also come with a skull and cross bones on it. Hey go find somebody to honestly help. Such an idea.
I live alone, and feel lonely also, all what I've read in this thread makes me feel good. I'm not wierd, it is what it is. When I can't sleep I say the Lord's prayor over and over slowly and picture Michael the arch angel and I am enveloped in his white wing protecting me. I don't remember saying the prayor more than 3 times when I awake. Also before bed, I have my 'greatful book' beside, in which I write an entry or two, of what I was greatful for that day.
